-- SLK32 --

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

something to share...

it's been the first week back to school.
yet it seems to last forever;
the days go by so slowly,
and may i add stressfully.
today is a wednesday,
a day that i was looking forward to,
since the tuesday that i did not arrive at school.
but today...it was different than what i had in mind.

i walked into the school; late again.
my body's still not used to going to school,
so early in the morning. i'm cranky.
i'm tired, i have difficulties even standing up.
i walk into calculus class, and i just write.
i was able to joke around here and there.
but that was about it.
in bible class, it seemed to last forever.
but i still remember the moment
when i heard the name,
i suddenly had a feeling of "YES!!"
i joked around with it with my brother,
but in true reality, it wasn't a yes.
i still cared about such,
i looked into my bag, and to my surprise,
the yes was totally gone becuase i saw
the figure beside me.
english class then flew by kind of quickly,
but i was running really dry already.

i walked into that chapel,
one that i longed for since the day before.
but i didnt feel any inspiration, any kind of feeling
that i normally have. i felt like a stranger in a church.
i felt like that i didnt really belong.
everyone stood and sang,
everyone prayed and was faithful,
everyone rejoiced and reflected,
but me..i remained on the pew; quiet.
i didnt sing, i didnt pray, i didnt anything.
i just looked at myself, and said to myself:
"why can i not focus...why.."
there were so many thoughts that went through my
head at this point. and right now,
i can barely remember all of it.

it was hard for me to focus at all,
i felt so apart from God, it seemed like forever
that i've last talked with God. but is this true?
i can hardly think with my brain about it right now.
it seems like my relationship with Him has differed.
i don't feel the same with Him.
whats wrong... am i missing something now?
am i not doing something that i have done in the past?
seriously, what is missing in me right now.

i just couldnt focus today,
and i tried talking to God in the time being,
but it didnt work. it seemed to have caused a
negative effect; i started to reflect the things
that is going on in my life and i simply want to yell
out to Him..that i give up. i dont want to play His game.
my brain started to gather thoughts,
thoughts about Him.
thoughts that make me really want to quit.

isn't he supposed to be loving and caring for me?
that's what i was taught since the beginning of my faith.
but as i live with Him longer, it seems that its starting
to change. i've been put into so many different tasks and events,
that i do not enjoy being in. i've been given challenge, after challenge.
it's really hard on me; especially when i think of how he "loves" and "cares"
for me, yet he has to take away the things that i value really much.
the things that i've thanked him for in the past.
why must he erase that part of my life?
i lost a best friend still, Lord.
i thought you said if i asked you earnestly,
you'd give it to me?
but it seems like i still dont have the hand of her,
she's farther away from me than i expected.
i've came back to school, and we have not spoke one word.
we're strangers; very much like how i feel towards you right now.
i must be hurting your heart, in saying things like these;
but i cant help it. that's honestly how i feel.

i looked at the words today, in each worship song.
i coudlnt agree with any of them.
neither did i really want to.
i lost that inspiration and motivation in you.
wherever those things may lie right now,
maybe i'll find it someday.

i find it scary to follow you right now,
but is that what i want? to live alone on my side,
and leave you on the other? i don't know.
i honestly do not know.
my thoughts are all over the place,
i just can't focus.

i'm scared everywhere,
university pressure is getting to me.
i'm not necessarily smart,
and my grades are not up there to get in
wherever i want.
then this sort of thinking is getting to me,
i dont know what i want.

i'm just really scared in all my heart:
the future. the present. and you.
you seem so scary to me now.

I DONT KNOW OK.
I WANT TO YELL.
I WANT TO SCREAM.
I WANT TO END ALL THIS SHIT IN MY HEAD.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
I WANT TO FREAKING DIE; CUZ I'M FREAKING MISERABLE.

all i know how to do lately is sleep and walk.
i can't do nothing else.
i go to school; and i cannot focus.
i go home; and i just sleep.
i get up late at night and start doing work.
staying up late and not get to school on time the next day.
do i care? honestly.. i don't.
i want to get there on time,
but i don't have motivation to even get there,
becuase school has become such a place of misery,
that i can hardly find another word to describe it.

i have a test tomorrow, so i'm going to study.
if i still stand in existence, maybe i'll write more
in telling the world how i feel and think.
but if i don't, then let there be one less on this earth.
one less of a miserable being.
bye.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

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