Friday, December 30, 2005
dont ask me...how it feels,
because i doubt that i can really explain.
all i can say is,
i feel picked at each moment of life right now.
each moment i look at life,
it seems that i have no one around.
no one to really talk to with truth,
they seem to have gone away somewhere.
i dunno, i just feel empty.
empty-hearted, empty-alone...
alone here i sit to blog.
1 gone to states. 1 away with his own things.
1 gone to hk. 1 gone to do whatever.
and another doing the very same.
am i simply expecting too much?
or why do i feel such a sense of loneliness....
thanks brother.
thank you brother.
i finally got to speak to someone close again,
not a long chat, but it's a chat of refreshment.
you let me know that...i still have someone,
no matter how much they dont show it...
or talk about it...they will support me through
all in the end. thanks brother.
and you also reminded me of God.
i forgotten about Him actually.
God...take over me again?
let me be filled with You, and grow once again.
over this break, i think i've fallen,
but that's when you come and pick me up again,
i ask for you Lord.
Thank You for another try with you...and my brother.
Thank you.
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Wednesday, December 28, 2005
personality test.
2 Comments:
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said...
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i'd say that's a pretty good description. lol...especially about being out with friends. lol...what did i tell you?!
anyway...glad you're starting to come through. remember, i'll try to be there as much as i can to make you smile or just to cry with you!! : )
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ -
said...
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^ what she said.
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005
thank You for the gifts.thank you Lord for all the gifts you've given me.
more gifts than that i can handle,
that i can ask for. you provided me with it all.
before i asked, and during the process of me asking.
vw.by.st.nr.dc.nn.kk.an.ll.etc.
amazing gifts, i must say.
thank you.
-glasses, thank you.
-money, thank you.
-cards, thank you.
you know who you are, if i'm willing to thank you too. =)
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Saturday, December 24, 2005
christmas time.Merry Christmas! =))
Christmas is tomorrow, tonight's Christmas eve.
i sit here for a lil bit before i go venture out with my family.
for a time of rejoice and spending time together.
but then i also question something...
i feel kind of lonely?
not in terms of being actually lonely,
because i know i have so many others that surrounds me,
that care about me, that respects me, that whatever else me.
but the fact that i don't get to really see that many of them
during the break this year. there are limited amount of days,
but they all come back later on...
and there's another individual that i want to spend time with,
but that's close to impossible.
every time i think about it,
there's a certain tug at my heart still.
a sting, a pierce, a whip,
a sudden drop and feeling of sourness overwhelms my heart.
it's different.....really different.
losing such a best friend during the year,
it's a hard to suck on fact.
but i guess, this is what God wants to teach me?
people are not always there, but He's always there
and present with me? no matter what the cause...
no matter how close, no matter how well we know each other.
there's no one to replace Him?
i'm not too sure, but i do pray that one day it does get revealed.
God you know what i want, you know what i desire.
i ask that you choose the best ways for me,
and let me be able to adapt to it, with joy.
not happiness, but with joy. your joy. let that fill me.
God, i know it's your birthday tomorrow,
but may i dare to ask that you give me a present in return?
i know you have given me more than i can ever ask for,
but i really ask that you give me THAT gift.
i know i'm asking so much, and even through that,
i do not even know if its right to ask for such.
but that's just what's on my mind for a long time now...
i may be foolish to even ask for it Lord,
but you will choose for me, i know.
i love you God.
let me offer myself up to you,
during this christmas break...let me differ myself.
let me strengthen with your strength,
let me think into your ways and not my ways.
let me just grow with your presence.
let you be the center of my life, let you be one i live for.
always. forever in time, let me live by your presence and methods.
-----
and God, thank you.
thank you for yesterday, i was able to shape up,
and stand with smiles and laughter,
and worship you in the chapel.
singing to you once again Lord.
let me continue to worship you forever more.
let me love you more and more each day,
for you say i should i not be obsessed with anything Lord,
but may i ask of you to let me be obsessed with You.
let you be the sole reason that i live my life everyday.
let this be another gift that you give to me Lord.
refresh me through this break, and prepare me;
for another new year of battles that you set me through.
let me rejoice in every battle in you,
every hardship, let me see you..your goodness and your all.
let me take it all on.
-----
God, i may ask of you one more thing.
my brother, he's falling short Lord,
let him stand strong. let him see You.
let him be overwhelmed by You, not by it.
take control Lord, take care of him Lord.
let him rejoice in you, i love him Lord.
he hurts, i hurt. i really ask of you.
i know how it feels to be in his shoes,
and its not a well situation.
let it be all in your way Lord,
i love you.
and brother, if you ever somehow read this:
i love you. that's never one moment of doubt.
we ride together, we live together, we brothers for life.
us 3, let us ride all the troubles through.
relying on each other for support, nonetheless.
i love you brother. never forget that.
and to all the others,
best wishes and have a time of rest,
before another new year starts with new adventures.
take care of yourselves.
sincerely,
stan.
2 Comments:
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rahella said...
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stannie pooooh
it was nice seeing you today :) -
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
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Wednesday, December 21, 2005
staying strong...stay strong. stay strong.
that's what so many people tell me to do,
but how do you come to this point?
i reflect the things going in my life right now,
and i just simply say i want to cry.
cry to the point that i will have nothing left
to soak my eyes from its socket.
staying strong...what a struggle to do so.
i'm trying so many ways to take my mind off of "it"
but it's all taking over me.
i look around and i walk around,
it just seems that you're everywhere i go.
so many things to make me feel bad.
it's hard to hold it up.
it's been a hurtful period over this time,
i still do not understand fully of what the meaning is,
but i have been rejected to the least.
at that point, my heart fell.
it fell deep on to the ground,
sounding off a deep thud sound.
i look down at the ground at my heart,
and want to pick it up, but i'm so weak to pick it up.
i look around and i see every person i know,
getting something...but me, i remain to have nothing.
nothing...not even you for a single second.
what just so happened....i still do not understand.
one second you're with me, another you're not...
what more is going on?
i'm falling, but i get back up each time...
each strike, each pierce...fall after fall;
i manage to pull myself back up.
but it's getting to the point,
that i..myself, can't even have the effort to stand.
i feel so miserable, so wasted, so exhausted, so used.
am i just a tool for you may i dare to question?
what so happened.
christmas times, it's supposed to be fun right?
a time of happiness, where you can bond with friends
and share a lil bit of your appreciation for them.
but it's so different this year for me,
it's directly the opposite....
i have not had fun for the longest period of time,
it's been a struggle to keep myself happy.
and honestly, it's been a blessing that God has provided
me with the very others to support me through.
but it's really hard...real hard, when i was rejected.
rejected of my appreciation for you.
i figure there should be something of learned...
but it's a hard lesson, God.
am i able to sustain this any longer?
cuz i feel so shaken up, that i kind of want to hide.
hide away from reality, and blend myself into my dreamland.
where everything works out altogether,
but that is impossible.
my minds been so boggled with terror and hurtful times,
that i'm starting to hallucinate and overthink.
i'm into the stage of where the things that i think,
seems to be true. the things, the thoughts that go through
my head about everything right now...it's scaring me.
i'm lost of where the trueness is...
i actually thought to myself, and asked...did that really happen?
my thoughts... i can't remember if they actaully happened or not anymore.
all i can remember were good times...the sad times, i think my brain
has gradually skipped and passed it out...
but i know the truth still remains.
which makes me hurt even more.
i'm so lost.
it's interesting to see,
even though i was so tensed up within,
where my heart lies...into the tightness,
where i can barely breathe...
i somehow managed to still open up another
side of me..and be willing to help another person.
is there something...ultimately wrong with me?
or is this a gift i have been given....
why am i so caring?
maybe i should stop caring,
and turn myself into someone thats shallow.
maybe then... i will not get hurt again.
is that what people like?
because they seem to love hurting someone that cares so much,
maybe it's time that i fight back with something they have never seen before...
something they never thought would be present from stan.
a new figure, one that is shallow and not caring..and challenging.
one that is rock solid, with a stone heart.
is that what you want?
tell me so.
maybe then, i can transition myself,
into a person that will corrupt your life.
and to share with you all,
i was cutting a fruit yesterday night...
i looked at the thin, sharp knife;
how simple was it...to thrust it right into
the center of me? ending it all.
something stopped me, i'm not sure what it is...
but believe me, it was going to be easy.
i'm not scared of death,
i think what stopped me was my caring side.
i want to stand strong and help you all...
especially those who do not have anyone,
or feel they have no one...simliar to me.
you.
you.
you.
just so much you's in the world,
i think i really care too much.
i'm starting to lose my head,
i need a time of rest.
away from this school,
away from everything.
merry christmas all,
remember the true meaning of it...it's God's birthday.
celebrate with Him, and not just be blinded with gifts and all.
i think that's what i'm learning in this process,
it's all about Him.
celebrate with Him.
i really hope you guys will enjoy your period together,
for me, i think it already has been ruined.
becuase i've been so hurt over it....but God,
help me out...help me regain your trueness and power.
let me rejoice with you Lord.
let me.
please let me.
i ask of you earnestly.
----
*for those who read this long post, thankyou.
*for those who didnt bother, whatever.
1 Comments:
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said...
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Stan...it's okay. {BIGhug} you CAN cry. i'm soooo sorry i haven't had the chance to talk to you...been sorta busy and all. but tomorrow i'm free....if you need to talk and cry, i'm here to just listen and cry with you. we aren't robots and it's impossible for us to always be happy.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,a time for war and a time for peace.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1,4,6-8
i'll let God speak to you instead of me trying to give sound advice. just remember that no matter what happens Stan, He's there for you in any time in any state. always praying for you!!
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ
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Monday, December 19, 2005
three thoughts.shocked.
wounded.
confused.
it was purely out of my kindness,
and heart to get such a gift.
i was looking forward to this day,
but now that it happened,
it's not what i have imagined.
this seems like one of those things
you would see on television...
or imagine in your worst nightmare.
...i'm silent.
1 Comments:
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said...
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buddyy...it's okay. don't worry, you didn't mean to hurt anyone, right? but i get what you're saying. i don't know what else to say...other than i'm praying for you.
"To love and fail is better than never loving at all."
--Anonymous
i couldn't think of a Bible verse from the top of my head that would go with this post. Stay strong man!! it is in Him we are made strong. never forget that!!
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ
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Thursday, December 15, 2005
life cycle: suicidal thoughts.who's ever thought about suicide?
isn't it just so easy to simply jump it,
ending it right there...no more physical pain.
no more problems to care about on earth,
no more things to worry about.
no more school.
who is the kind of person that looks at the school,
and thinks to themselves, they want to quit?
who is the kind of person to take a look at themselves,
and thinks the themselves, they want to quit?
who is the kind of person that looks at everything around them,
and thinks to themselves, they want it to end?
who is the kind of person that wants to end life right now?
who..
who..
who..
i am.
school was supposed to be place of fun for me,
where i can interact with friends and learn alongside them.
not a place of stress and misery and failure.
i'm in the listing of all the three mentioned entities.
i'm in my last year, before i get to university...
like it or not.
am i ready for that big jump? no i'm not.
am i ready with the marks to get in? no i'm not.
am i ready for anything at all actually? no i'm not.
actually, am i ready to quit? yes i am.
actually, am i ready to fail? yes i am.
who..
who..
who..
i have so much in my head,
i simply want to say to myself, eff yourself.
end it.
to answer that question--who..?
I AM.
4 Comments:
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said...
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hey dude!! hang in there, alright? although it's so much easier to give up, is it the right thing to do? i know that you're always up for the challenge and wanting to help those around you!! we want you to LIVE!! : ) what would we do without you!?
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
1 Corinthians 12:7-10
there's not much more i can say because Paul pretty much says all i wanted to say. keep living because God's not done with you yet!! if He was, you'd be dead!! : ) just want to let you know i'm praying for you, kay? we love you Stan!!
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ -
said...
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its always easier to give up.
but keep going because God calls you a better life!
* you can do it [not on your own] ill be by your side! -
said...
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don't you give up. because you know life sweeter and better had come and will come. right now might not be so good. its just all in the makings of a better life if you live for Christ. i dont think anyone is truly prepared for anything..life..university..friendships..until they let go of trying to be prepared for it and start relying on God to carry them through it. you have your part to do and its hard because you're a weak human like everyone else is. be glad you're not doing the hard part that God is doing..thats setting out your life before you're even going to take a step further. so remember that. that he has everyhting ready for you..just make a leap of faith (do your part) and he'll catch you and carry you through. take care bro.
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Kamikaze said...
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i've been there, so I can say this: don't even think of it... it's not worth it one bit.. so what if u escape reality? what does it really do? one question that helped me: "What/Who am I living for?" i asked myself and found the answer: myself. is that right? nope... even now, i need to change, cuz im not living for the good of others or God. so i ask u the question... "What/Who are U living for?"(Read PDL, it might help =D). And I completely agree with what brii has to say, we're not perfect, we struggle, we fail, but God is always there and will never give up on us. We can fully rely on him, but in addition, I say we must do our best to change as well. Sis is right go with 1 Cor. 12:7-10. And ur friends will support you the only way we can, be there.
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Sunday, December 11, 2005
can someone teach me?can someone please teach me how to cry?
i have quite a lot of stuff in my head and heart.
but it seems that i am unable to cry it out.
as much as i want to cry,
i want to stand strong.
what's wrong with me?
dear ..fellow sister in Christ,
the one that's been posting on my blog
for a while now... i thank you for your
messages. they mean a lot, and show that
at some point..at some time, someone actually
cares and gives a bit of their time to read about me.
thank you.
up until this point, i still do not know who you are,
if you will, reveal yourself to me one day.
i want to personally give you a hug,
one that will last and be with meaning.
again, thank you.
2 Comments:
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said...
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He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:29-31
how ironic that your cry unto both man and God is so similar to mine -- i sometimes feel i am reading my own blog when i read yours. but do not be discouraged! no matter what God will be there and sometimes it takes these down times to regain strength and knowledge in order to help others out. sometimes it takes these trials to build our faith up even more. although this isn't from the Bible, it's another phrase that helps me to continue on.
Why do we fall? So we can learn pick ourselves up.
--Batman Begins
or in a Christian's case, we can learn to depend 100% on God. i am consistantly praying for you Bro. i wish to reveal myself, but i do not believe now is the time. just know i'm praying for you and that when i do choose to reveal myself, i can be a shoulder for your pain and tears. Never forget God is always there for you and He will be there to listen and wipe away your tears!
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ -
/blu/ren.ka said...
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poyyy. took me a long time to think of a meaningful comment. but then i forgot... so im just gonna say something that sounds less meaningful than the comment i thought of originally.
but thanks for staying up with me that night. it was difficult. um your stories were really inspiring esp. the fry one. thanks for teaching me how to give it back to God and how to do it with less pain.
poyyy take care of yourself... if you need to cry just cry it all out. i asked "teach me how to not care" and you are asking "teach me how to cry"... jus let the tears flow.
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
God....i dare to ask..honestly, i'm not a strong child...
but may i ask that you use me in this school?
in the last year that i am at pca,
i pray that you open me up to Your works.
let me have your strength,
let me withstand everything thrown at me with you.
let me make a difference in the school for you.
guide me through life,
grow...let me grow.
i speak to you now,
i pray to you.
in your Name,
amen.
There's so many that falls, including myself.
but let me forget about myself, and purely help
those around me whenever i can.
for you can heal me, and support me,
so in the same way, i can go help others
to heal them, to support them.
amen.
take care of me Lord.
i am restless, but use me more.
1 Comments:
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said...
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i believe God will truely use you!! i thoroughly enjoy reading your blog entries and am very encouraged to say the least! God will use you in ways you can't imagine!! hang in there and keep the faith!
i've been going through something similar and it's been a real encouragement just to see how much you rely on Him for you strength. It keeps me going that i'm not the only Christian who's struggling yet leaning on God for all the strength.
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ
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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
christmas time...it's almost Christmas time,
time to celebrate the Lord's birthday.
it's a time to reflect about Him,
not merely just presents and all...
although we usually get trapped and think
only about presents and freetime.
God, i want you to have the best birthday,
you have proven yourself so faithful,
loyal and wonderful. the least i can do,
is provide you with a good birthday.
i dunno how i'm going to do that...
but show me a way to glorify you,
on your day.
whatever it may be, let me do so for you. =)
Oh and for those around me,
i still need to get you presents.
well...actually i got 2 of you presents already.
and i'm quite broke after that.. haha.
so lemme know what you guys want,
but for sure...
i want you guys to be happy.
------------------------------
christmas wishlist:
- God being happy
- aznphyR_+3 being happy
- people being happy
- smiles from others
- growth in the Lord
- a car =P
- chilling times with people
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Saturday, December 03, 2005
strength....in the Lord!Dear God, give me strength.
that's a statement i think we all should follow.
it's wonderful to see the grade 12's
getting together again, singing and worshipping.
i remember the grade 11 retreat, everyone was
down on their knees and putting God first.
let us do the same this year!
hey sister in christ,
dont you ever worry about yourself.
cuz God's got you protected at all times.
don't you fear one bit about what others think,
don't think about what others will think.
who cares about them.. you know?
if you live to satisfy everyone else,
then you're going to live one hard life.
live it up to God's standards and that's all you need.
you have my number, and if at any point of time,
give me a call if you need it.
may it be 4 in the mornning or 4 in the afternoon.
take care of yourself =)
God bless you.
and hey God,
thanks for everything man.
thanks so much...you did not let me down.
although it was the toughest parts of my life
as of now...reliance on you is what i need.
i remember wanting to quit, but i didn't.
i gave up to you..and still trying my best to
at all times..and you proved yourself faithful.
i love you God.
i mean, it's just a beginning now...
but it means SO very much to me.
i couldn't even imagine us being able to converse,
but somehow you made that happen again.
you wrapped your arms around me in the deepest of times,
and you provided the right brother to keep me goin on,
and you provided the right friends to support,
you just provided it all.
it's a lesson to learn, and even though it felt like crap
going through it..i take it on.
thank you God.
God bless everyone man.
God's real, God's great.
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Thursday, December 01, 2005
bewildering day...woke up and i was overly exhausted,
i did not want to go anywhere,
but rest.
went to school,took on the english test,
one word--failed. it was the hardest test ever.
the day was pretty hard to take on actually,
i just wanted to rest and just so much shit in my head still.
went through lunch and block 7...kinda not caring.
only thinking about the "disciples board."
not the best way to start a day...
spare came; and i'm glad..cuz the day was almost over.
but anyways, through the roughness of the day...
thanks so much helen,
i appreciated much for the hug.
it made me feel included, for a second.
don't think anyone noticed that i was kinda blah,
or they did, but didnt do much.
then what i never expected was,
i shared moments. moments that i enjoyed.
not a lot...but we are talking here and there now.
thanks God.
but i feel so very tired...
can i get some rest?
calm my hearts and all,
take away all my troubling thoughts,
take it all, cuz without you, i will fall.
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1 Comments:
stan the man
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