Wednesday, August 31, 2005
i actually lost count for the days that i have stayed up past the times of 3 am each night; occupying myself with someone that i think is well worth it. but then it's been so many days, i was expecting it again and again..until probably when school starts. but nope, it's starting to change already....weird isn't it? inside me, i feel that i've been replaced by someone. i dunno if such person means it, but it sure feels like it. i'm sure this person does not mean it... but to me, that's how i feel. i just wish some things would just stop happening to me... why give me such, then do something to tick me off..or put some negative feeling into me? is it that fun to play with stan's heart? it hurts. my hearts never been healed up, it hurts more when you poke it again; especially where it's already been hurt most. it's "funny" cuz i've been hurt repetitively...but hurting so much just hurts even more each time.. i haven't gotten used to it .. nor will i ever or plan to. some people say that after a long time of hurting, you'll start to get used to it..and it wont matter so much. but i don't agree with that... i get hurt over and over and over again.. it just keeps coming back. the weirdest thing is, i get hurt by the same people over and over too. yet they're all close to me; and they're of a single kind--for the most part. the ones that are the same kind as me...they don't hurt me...or at least not as much. but why does the other kind havta hurt me so much? my day today? it was horrible. slacked off...can't concentrate, and when i can.. i get distracted. it's hot, and i can't conccentrate well...my heart hurts, and my head hurts..and i want to stop caring..which i already did...cuz omg.. i'm about to snap. but whatever the hell.. it's over now.. i'm glad so that the day is over... well at least i hope it is. but i'm sure something will last on till tomoro and later on...that hurt won't wear away until some time out there... my body's tired. it's time for a rest... i quit this battle for now; someone defend for me--preferly God. i cannot take this on myself. i've had enough. i lay down now.
i rest my sword, and i rest my shield on my breast; in case of any more attacks--protecting my heart from any more danger..any more threats...any more hurt.
i look at the clock now, and i remember about the earlier days...where i spent with you. rather fun and amusing... but then...it's so different now that there is an addition.
-stan.
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Tuesday, August 30, 2005
yep...another blog entry from the guy who owns this blog.another day of fun and games..and no work doing from me.
a busy day to decide on whether to go or not to the buffet that we set up...worked out different angles and met up with different people that i haven't seen from forever. it's such a good experience to see them again; and big ups to lionel man. haven't seen you in the longest time, and yet you made it worthwhile...with ya jokes and with your compliments to your just funny stuff. all the best, props. owe ya one right there, you know what i'm talkin about. =) it's a bit weird though..i guess i didnt get enough sleep or something, but i was actually quite tired when i got to the place...but meh. it's all good..had some good laughs. but wish i could've spent more time with some individuals...had a brotherly moment though =D that was good. hahaha... hmmmmmm.... schools about to start.
and i'm about to get a phone call, so more thoughts and more blogging later.
blah.
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Monday, August 22, 2005
rules to remember.summertime almost coming to an end, but during it was one hell of a time. from crappy stages to wonderful stages, back down to shitty stages altogether...then bringing myself back up..to the stages of having my mom and uncle come back (ever since a long time ago.) you can say...life has revolutionized.
life has been such a hectic experience for me over the long summer; since so many things shot at me when i'm most defenseless. from a powerful being that many people think or recognize me as, i fell down. i fell at the wounds that i endured over the summer...one after another shot. from a well-crafted shield; i defended. but a steady shield will start to break or shatter when there's a massive use of it. my sword and my shield fell at the enemy's attack. they fell, and was discarded because of their lack of use. by myself, i attack and defend by my bare hands. but i fall; i just keep falling and falling...into stages where i just feel that threat of death is about to come. the enemy's won..and that i should give up.
but it's intriguing that the shield that i once threw out, and the sword that i throttled onto the ground, are the very keys of my return. there's always that leftover spark inside of me, since i did not want to lose. i had backup (my friends) to support me along the way. i run back to the weapons i once had, picked it back up and here i am at battle again. at first, it's weird..and still i feel the fear and sense to give up the battle...but i still hung on.
battled on and accepted the way it ran. fought it through, and continuing to fight for life. enemies become stronger each time, as my sword/shield each begin to wear away. but through all this, i fought alone..or most of it by myself. i did not rely on my weapon supplier to fix up my weapons. now that i think back and reflect, and see the key to survival in life. you MUST find your weapon-supplier and heal up your sword and shield; to continue your hard-out battle of your life; against the worst enemies; against the most difficult enemies, just any. for me, i found that superior blacksmith; that helped me out during battle. God.
He provided, he gave me back the strength, provided the backup i needed, provided the help, provided the strategies, provided the ways, provided the foods and all. and most of all, he sharpened the sword and thickened the shield. But each time along the next battle, he perfects the weapon that you need to use to endure the very battle. my sword was once a one-sided sword, but now it was tuned to a double-edged sword for my stronger enemies. my shield was once made by wood, but now it has been added with steel. both weapons of supreme power lay in my hands...He has the faith in me to use these weapons to continue to stick by him..and it's my repsonsibility to trust these very weapons that he made in my battles of life. (in the same way, we must trust him to endure life.) i have chosen to follow this marvelous crafter. but who is your weapon supplier?
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not only that did i learn, but lengthy lessons did i also learn from my dear uncle. one that shared the very same experiences that i have faced in my childhood and teenage life. one that has been with me from my youth ages to the preteen ages. he cares and supports; for he also teaches. he reminded me of how a person should do what they feel is appropriate (for helping someone or giving something out), but never expect anything in return. a person should give willingly, and not do something for the purpose of having something in return. you do what you do, and that's it. you should not expect anything in return.
"a real man takes his opportunities in doing something for others, but never expects something back." doing something for others, and getting nothing in return...may give the feeling of unsatisfaction, sadness, hurting, or what not. which may seem unfair, but life ain't fair...there should not be such a word. you do waht you wanna do, and that's what you gotta do.
don't ever expect anything back for something that you do.
for the future will lay the returns you should get.
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over on top, what i think about is those 3 and those 2.
it has been a time of training with those 5 altogether...sad times that i hated, crappy times that i endured, and even happy-shattering times with them. there's so much that has happened with the 5 and myself. the 6 of us endured some of the worse times that i can remember. sure there can be more, or there can be worse. but i'm gonna try my best to take it on like a man. i'm gonna endure ecah battle with you guys. i love you guys.
even though you guys are only a call away, or a drive away.
i miss you guys so deeply that i cannot express; i want to hold my arms around each of you. i miss you that much.
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conclude it:
lesson1: pick your way, for it should be with God; enduring the battles.
lesson2: do things out of your will, but do not expect anything back.
o-o-t: i miss you.
1 Comments:
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said...
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You have a lot to say, you have a lot to think about, and your summer has been a relentless battle.
All I can do is agree. My summer has been the most extreme time of my life yet... and it seems yours has too.
I won't say any more. I already deleted half of this comment cause it's just me babbling...
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005
someone.someone please calm me.
someone please comfort me.
someone please be with me.
someone please be there for me.
someone please the support for me.
someone please care for me.
someone please take care of me.
someone please take hold of me.
someone please strengthen me.
someone please think for me.
someone please help me.
someone please hold my hands.
someone please fill the holes in my heart.
someone please be close to me.
someone please be aware of me.
someone please end this pain somehow.
someone please fill me.
someone please distract me.
someone please cheer me up.
someone please let me have some joy.
someone please let me be refreshed.
someone please let me be relaxed.
someone please let me think straight.
someone please take hold of what i think.
someone please answer my missing pieces.
someone please answer my problems.
someone please answer my questions.
someone please answer my prayers.
someone please pray for me.
someone please be a brother or sister to me.
someone please be a wonderful person.
someone please be a pillar for me.
someone..
someone..
someone..
please just let there be someone.
God help me please.
God give me strength.
God give me power.
God give me faith.
God let me stand up.
God let me get up.
God let me withstand.
God let me be filled.
God let me be with You.
God let me see you.
God let me feel you.
God let me hold myself together.
God let me overcome.
God let me know the answers.
God let me be joyful.
God let me a good child.
God let me be changed.
God let me be strengethed.
God let me be different.
God let me be caring.
God let me be balanced.
God let me be the brother that i want to be.
God let me be the close one to those i love.
God let me be loving.
God let me know of your ways.
God.
God.
God.
God, please listen up to my prayers.
i rest here, waitin for a response.
i have returned God,
and right now is a tough moment for me.
i have returned to all my troubles,
realized what's going to be up,
realized the friked up things.
now i need to face it,
with my red eyes; let me face them all.
let me stand upon them and win.
sincerely,
stan.
1 Comments:
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Mack said...
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I'm gay only if you get to be gayer then me... fair? =)... Where the hell have you been man? I hope you're doing good... hit me up sometime when you're bored and got nothing better to do... haha, and then come pick me up =D...
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pain and confusion.
with an unlimited amount of pain that i feel,
i too feel the comfort to know that,
i still have two very caring brothers to stand by me.
from a simple and fun trip to a bubble tea place,
with my beloved sister that ventured to shanghai,
revolutionized into a place with sourness.
a sourness so sudden in the special eyes of my dear brother.
a sour feeling that forced me to say something in chinese,
to prevent my sister to hear because she cannot understand cantonese.
a thing that i hated to do,
because i know how much she hates people who neglect her,
from their conversations by using chinese that she did not comprehend.
but i needed the push, i needed the time, the time with my brother only.
a feeling that struck me so hard in the heart that i felt stuffed,
that i felt worthless, that i felt all the awful pain had to explode.
kept it in, kept it to myself.
brother asked, but was denied to give a response.
was able to hold it, but when got home..i fell.
fell to the floor with the intention to call another brother,
another brother that i knew would care,
that i thought would understand better,
and for the reason i thoguht that my first brother would not care.
but in reality, both cared more than ever.
a conversation lasted between the aznphyR crew,
one that i loved, one that i was finally able to blurt out stuff,
stuff about my situation, stuff about my position in life.
not all of it, only jitz of it, but more to come,
more to be revealed, more to be covered.
sitting here alone, thinkin back...
with some things blurted out into the air,
to lessen my stuffed suitcase in my heart,
but still..it bothers me to think about them,
and reflect them as a part of my lifestyle.
how i hate it still, and do not really know how to accept it.
but i must, and i will...just the timeload it will need.
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current status:
brother #1: good. covers out romans 12:10.
brother #2: good. covers out romans 12:10 as well.
sister #1: good. but i wish some things were cleared soon. love her a lot.
sister #2: fine. want to hug her close to me, becuase i miss her lots.
sister #3: soso. could be better, but can't care less really.
for those who read this post or is going to read this post, thanks for sepdnig your time on this post. it may seem pointless, but to me, it's a post to remember.
God, may i ask you to support me with this lifestlye i live upon.
and i wish the thing i have in mind about sister #1 is not true,
becuase i hate of such an existence. i wish things would not be of
true, and that she is an individual. keep it that way please, i do not want anything with that relation to be present. and i pray that with #3 that it may be resolved with no hardships...and that i can forget and go on. for #2, it's fine for us right now..and thank you mhch for it. because she too cares for me deeply and does most of the things to settle thing with me, especially after our fights in the past. for my 2 dear brothers, i thank you so much for them..for allowing such a bonding time (even in hte late hours of today), as we have rarely done this kind of stuff for a long time...and it's hard for us 3 to get together out of the blue like such. i appeciate each of their efforts in helping me and supporting me....thank you so much Lord. i wish that things will continue to be well..and that i can live well. things that i hope to gain, hope to achieve, hope to become... i pray you give me such support...and just prepare and train me.
God: bless this life to the end. carry me and let me have your hand with me always.
sincerely with the most honest heart,
-- stan.
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Tuesday, August 02, 2005
another point to consider.I CHALLENGE EVERYONE TO READ THIS. TAKE IT ON?
another point, yet a similiar point of realization again. ones that think they are strong and rock solid is actaully in fact not that strong. those who bear strength and all are actually quite weak. there's many people who act strong, who stand strong, who fights strong, who lives strong, who loves strong, who believes strong, or what not..are actually quite weak. those who actually become strong are those who are actually strong...but there isn't anyone like such. all humans are weak. there needs to be of a greater force or owner that owns us all. that takes care of us. i for one is not strong. i'm only a glass cup. hard on the surface, and hard on the face of the cup, hard on every angle, seems like i'm able to counter anything that is thrown at me. all the pain, all the sufferance, all the doubts, all the troubles...seems that i am able to overtake them at some point of time. more time, less time...just some point. but then i'm not...glass is only strong when left in place, but when put into the places of danger (a high place.) it's helpless because it cannot do anything for itself, cuz it just sits there. in the same way, i am placed in places of danger, and all i can do is stand there or sit there by myself...trying for the way of survival or getting help..but by ourselves, we cannot do much. just like that glass cup... when the glass cup is pushed or given a simple tug, it tips over and falls right to the ground..shattering into millions of pieces. pieces that cannot be gathered and reassembled as the very same cup. humans are like that...we cannot be alone and expect the best results and ways in life...cuz we're merely a glass cup that is helpless on our own. we need a standing point, a way of protection to not break apart...otherwise, we break. but then, if the glass is given the attention it needs with a rightful owner, the glass is observed and protected by them. the glass will not fall becuase there is always those very eyes of the owner to be aware of anything that may happen...and when it does fall, the owner will risk all that to save the very glass cup. in the same way, God will protect us and keeps his eyes on us..he will wrap his hands and give that hand of help when we are about to shatter or when we fall. the glass is at its most helpless point of life when it falls and is in midair....the cup has 2 options: one to fall and shatter. and another to fall and have something happen to prevent its breakage. it's how we live our lives to keep the glass in shape...as one full piece or millions of lost pieces on the ground that's worth nothing. there's so many people in the world that are shattered already or is on the urge of dropping..does that mean they're all screwed up and will not get a chance to revive themselves? no it doesnt. the glass cup is broken and will stay broken forever. the cup cannot reassemble itself to be the very same cup...it will not be as perfect as it was originally. but through prayers and faith, the rightful owner can gather all the millions of pieces and assemble a glass-art masterpiece with all the pieces. God works in mindbusting ways, he will take those who feel most shattered or most weak and work something out from it. reasons include that it challenges those who are strong to also work for god, and it shows that even a "unworthy" person can do such a task for god and why can't a "worthy" person do the very same. millions of broken glass pieces may seem useless, but when put to good use, it too can change into a masterpiece.
you and i, we're like glass cups..what can we do?
what will we turn out to be when we're broken in pieces?
rely on god all. that's how it should flow.
sincerely,
stan.
1 Comments:
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Kamikaze said...
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amen... couldnt agree more
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1 Comments:
wow last nite wuz random, ok mebbe "we" were da random ones. heh anyway we hafn't tlked in person for a bit eh? 2 dayz left n skool starts. =.=" im realli nervous for gr12...
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