Sunday, January 29, 2006
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Tuesday, January 24, 2006
so much for that..so much for owning calculus,
i was so confident too,
guess i'm just plain off dumb in calculus then.
don't even want to think about where my mark is now.
same for english.
both just got shot down by a mere exam...
how great.
1 passed.
2 failed.
2 more to go.
the ratio's not good.
i think i'm gonna cry.
but what's that going to do? nothing.
ugh, i hate myself.
1 Comments:
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Mack said...
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Your life is more important then school man... I know it's the focus right now... but think outside the context of school... you're gonna be successful... because you're mad talented... =)
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Monday, January 23, 2006
examsenglish, that was just a miserable time. should have just not studied and gone to math studying. you're right derek. you're right. it was foolish to study.
but another story now:
CALC YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
going to pwn you like there's no tomorrow.
that's right.
you heard me.
let me whip you now.
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Saturday, January 21, 2006
a little resolution.a little resolution, but one will change me entirely.
God, i ask that you help me focus out through this period
of stressful times in studying for our midterms.
i think for the most of us (in grade 12) need these
upcoming marks to reflect our future.
but obviously, more importantly, it's in your time
and planning of our future. let me remember that.
let me always remember such a line, you love me.
you'll plan for me, without any kind of doubt.
let me remember that.
through this tough and stressful time Lord,
let me not be overwhelmed by merely school stuff.
or anything that brings me away from you.
let me be able to come to you and talk to you,
and spend time with you--through devotions, through
anything. just spending time with you through all
the hassles in life right now.
let me be able to grow and see your presence,
more and more each moment that i spend more on earth.
let me not give up, let me stand up each fall.
let me regain strength and start over after each attempt.
let me not be overwhelmed by anything, but joyful and patient and faithful in You.
Romans 12:12 (New International Version)
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Mark 10:27 (NIV)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
anything's possible with You. let me indulge that in my head.
and one more thing Lord,
let me be able to follow up with this guide i found:
"Comprehensive Bible Reading Plan (365 Days)" offered by biblegateway.
starting after exam time. please do.
that's my resolution.
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
to even give you a glimpse of what i feel.to even show you a glimpse of what i have in my head
and heart right now is simply un-doable.
i have so much in my head, seriously.
all the stress is building up little by little,
and some by big proportions.
i'm so utterly effed in the head,
that i'm starting to lose it.
why am i that failure?
seriously.
why can i not be smart for once.
what happened to that old me,
WHAT THE HELL.
i'm really overwhelmed right now,
i just want to cry, but i'm so tired to.
i have to study, but i'm so freaking tired
and unmotivated to go on, cuz it does not
make a difference in the end...i'll fail anyways.
my dream about going to waterloo?
i don't even know how that is going to be possible.
am i going to make it anywhere actually?
maybe. if somehow and some time that i become truly lucky.
i've lost complete hope in myself really.
i hate tests; cuz i can't effing do them.
yet i keep getting them. is this how life
likes to fark me over with? cuz my marks
are getting chipped away after each and
new test that i get. why? cuz im a fucking
failure.
yes people, the guy that you knew
who thinks he's a failure from a year ago,
he is back. because sadly, that's the ultimate truth.
i'm a failure.
what more can i propose...
eff everything.
2 Comments:
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said...
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Stan...you are not a failure. you may feel like one, but hey, always remember that God don't make no junk!! : ) and never forget that He loves you and that I love you!! keep on going bro. you can make it. i believe in you!! Whatever happens, God has a plan and purpose even if we may never understand the reason why right now. Hang in there. and if you ever need a hug, you know where to look.
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ -
said...
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this is probably the dumbest suggestion ever... but i think we need a study group.
well... I could use one... it's kinda difficult to study when you think you know what you need to know, but end up failing anyways.
I know that you're a heck more diligent than a lot of other people in our grade... but unfortunately, hard work doesn't equal success. Could the genius lend the unfortunate a helping hand?
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
what's on my mind now.-calc quiz tomoro: scared
-accounting exam: scared shitless
-eng exam: scared even more shitless.
-calc exam: oh freaking dear.
-comsci exam: scared even more, actually.
-family study notes: this is just retarded
and adds to my pressure of actual useful things.
life's gonna be stressful; starting from this point on.
oh and university stress, not good.
and i don't have enough sleep.
1 Comments:
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said...
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I think most grade 12s would trade their 5 or 6 exams for those 8 grade 11 exams.
I only know two people that have 1 exam.
also, our teachers are retarded... they say that they try to space out our workload... but they only did that at the very very beginning of the year. what's up with the ISPs all being due at the same time? what's up with the tests and quizzes, not being on the same day, but being piled every single day for an entire week (or two).
the school's just messed. i guess you could say that they're preparing us for life because life is messed too... but this is just stupid.
You can make it into waterloo Stan. then you can tell me what it's like while I'm on the street. =P
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Friday, January 13, 2006
better day today.reflections went by since yesterday night.
i was given a phone call from an individual,
and that got me more relaxed than where i
originally was; after writing the last entry.
i thank her a lot, even though she thinks she
didnt do too much. she knows that obviously. =)
i woke up today, and i just kept thinking;
to my surprise, i think i've been calling God's name.
even in the mess that i'm in, from what i said...of
how i'm scared of God... i still seem to grasp onto Him.
it's an interesting point to realize--at least for myself.
i prayed...i think. if i still remember correctly.
today changed to a better day; sorta.
i was more upbeat as some people have noticed.
i arrived at school; waiting for my turn to present
a business presentation that i didnt really want to do.
i wanted to, but at the same time.. i hate presentations,
so i didnt want to; but thankfully, i was able to perform
a good job on it. then accounting was just whatever...didnt
really care about that one. data test was what i worried about.
i thought i'd fail..but thankfully, when i started that test,
things started to flow. i think i did ok on it. so that should
be fine. otherwise, i'm screwed. nothing really majorly screwed
up my day...so i guess that's why i was able to stay up and cheerful.
at least...most of the time. so i'm glad...plus i had conversations
with individuals that kept me up. so i'm glad about that.
i guess i just still miss the old times here and there.
which is another reason to my downfall to my faith.
stupid if you think about it..but now, i think i'm going
to try to shape up again. it's gonna be one hell of a ride,
but who am i to give up? keep striving. may i ask daringly;
God, provide me strength. be my strength. be my guide.
be the one that you always were for me.
let me unite with you and act in your ways.
let me stay upbeat.
thank you for providing me with close ones.
let me not be scared about anything,
and especially not you.
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Wednesday, January 11, 2006
something to share...it's been the first week back to school.
yet it seems to last forever;
the days go by so slowly,
and may i add stressfully.
today is a wednesday,
a day that i was looking forward to,
since the tuesday that i did not arrive at school.
but today...it was different than what i had in mind.
i walked into the school; late again.
my body's still not used to going to school,
so early in the morning. i'm cranky.
i'm tired, i have difficulties even standing up.
i walk into calculus class, and i just write.
i was able to joke around here and there.
but that was about it.
in bible class, it seemed to last forever.
but i still remember the moment
when i heard the name,
i suddenly had a feeling of "YES!!"
i joked around with it with my brother,
but in true reality, it wasn't a yes.
i still cared about such,
i looked into my bag, and to my surprise,
the yes was totally gone becuase i saw
the figure beside me.
english class then flew by kind of quickly,
but i was running really dry already.
i walked into that chapel,
one that i longed for since the day before.
but i didnt feel any inspiration, any kind of feeling
that i normally have. i felt like a stranger in a church.
i felt like that i didnt really belong.
everyone stood and sang,
everyone prayed and was faithful,
everyone rejoiced and reflected,
but me..i remained on the pew; quiet.
i didnt sing, i didnt pray, i didnt anything.
i just looked at myself, and said to myself:
"why can i not focus...why.."
there were so many thoughts that went through my
head at this point. and right now,
i can barely remember all of it.
it was hard for me to focus at all,
i felt so apart from God, it seemed like forever
that i've last talked with God. but is this true?
i can hardly think with my brain about it right now.
it seems like my relationship with Him has differed.
i don't feel the same with Him.
whats wrong... am i missing something now?
am i not doing something that i have done in the past?
seriously, what is missing in me right now.
i just couldnt focus today,
and i tried talking to God in the time being,
but it didnt work. it seemed to have caused a
negative effect; i started to reflect the things
that is going on in my life and i simply want to yell
out to Him..that i give up. i dont want to play His game.
my brain started to gather thoughts,
thoughts about Him.
thoughts that make me really want to quit.
isn't he supposed to be loving and caring for me?
that's what i was taught since the beginning of my faith.
but as i live with Him longer, it seems that its starting
to change. i've been put into so many different tasks and events,
that i do not enjoy being in. i've been given challenge, after challenge.
it's really hard on me; especially when i think of how he "loves" and "cares"
for me, yet he has to take away the things that i value really much.
the things that i've thanked him for in the past.
why must he erase that part of my life?
i lost a best friend still, Lord.
i thought you said if i asked you earnestly,
you'd give it to me?
but it seems like i still dont have the hand of her,
she's farther away from me than i expected.
i've came back to school, and we have not spoke one word.
we're strangers; very much like how i feel towards you right now.
i must be hurting your heart, in saying things like these;
but i cant help it. that's honestly how i feel.
i looked at the words today, in each worship song.
i coudlnt agree with any of them.
neither did i really want to.
i lost that inspiration and motivation in you.
wherever those things may lie right now,
maybe i'll find it someday.
i find it scary to follow you right now,
but is that what i want? to live alone on my side,
and leave you on the other? i don't know.
i honestly do not know.
my thoughts are all over the place,
i just can't focus.
i'm scared everywhere,
university pressure is getting to me.
i'm not necessarily smart,
and my grades are not up there to get in
wherever i want.
then this sort of thinking is getting to me,
i dont know what i want.
i'm just really scared in all my heart:
the future. the present. and you.
you seem so scary to me now.
I DONT KNOW OK.
I WANT TO YELL.
I WANT TO SCREAM.
I WANT TO END ALL THIS SHIT IN MY HEAD.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
I WANT TO FREAKING DIE; CUZ I'M FREAKING MISERABLE.
all i know how to do lately is sleep and walk.
i can't do nothing else.
i go to school; and i cannot focus.
i go home; and i just sleep.
i get up late at night and start doing work.
staying up late and not get to school on time the next day.
do i care? honestly.. i don't.
i want to get there on time,
but i don't have motivation to even get there,
becuase school has become such a place of misery,
that i can hardly find another word to describe it.
i have a test tomorrow, so i'm going to study.
if i still stand in existence, maybe i'll write more
in telling the world how i feel and think.
but if i don't, then let there be one less on this earth.
one less of a miserable being.
bye.
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006
the characteristics of a lemon.-been given a lemon.
-been feeling like a lemon.
-been acting like a lemon.
-been small like a lemon.
-been treated like a lemon.
about time to shape up from there.
-lost the flavor of a lemon.
-been lying there like a lemon.
-been useless like a used up lemon.
-been just floating around; lost like a lemon.
-been worthless like a lemon.
about time to get back up.
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Sunday, January 08, 2006
school time..school's right there, right beside me.
the day passes by, and i'll be at the building again.
well...that's if i'm up to it; waking up and setting up
myself to endure a long day. a long battle. a constant one.
one that never ended from a long time ago, am i ready for it?
am i refreshed for that battle? i don't really think so,
actually i dun even know what to expect.
its kinda scary just thinking about it right now.
kinda creeped out when i put my mind to it,
but it's not put there just yet...
it's not the time yet; not the moment.
when the clock hits the 12am mark,
i know i'll start to worry.
will i be ready?
.....only time will tell.
God? you there...?
shape me up.
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Friday, January 06, 2006
an email..that's worth reading.i came online after a long night yesterday,
to check my email. to my surprise i got an email
from a girl that i have not gotten anything in a while.
but the email's making me reflect.
i hope to share it with you guys.
yes it's long, but i promise you..it's worth the read.
----
Subject: WORTH READING
Read only if you have time for God
Let me tell you, make sure you read all the way to the bottom. I
almost deleted this email but I was blessed when I got to the end
God, when I received this e-mail, I thought...
I don't have time for this... And, this is really
inappropriate during work.
Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is... Exactly,
what has caused lot of the problems in our world today.
We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning...
Maybe, Sunday night...
And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.
We do like to have Him around during sickness...
And, of course, at funerals.
However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work
or play... Because. That's the part of our lives we think... We can, and
should, handle on our own.
May God forgive me for ever thinking...
That... there is a time or place where..
HE is not to be FIRST in my life.
We should always have time to remember all HE has done for
us. If, You aren't ashamed to do this...
Please follow the directions.
Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of
you before my Father."
Not ashamed?
Pass this on ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT!!
Yes, I do Love God.
HE is my source of existence and Savior.
He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I
will be nothing. But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)
This is the simplest test.
If You Love God.. And, are not ashamed of all the marvelous
things HE has done for you...
Send this to ten people and the person who sent it to you!
I don't think I know 10 people who would admit they love
Jesus. Do You love Him?
THE POEM
I knelt to pray but not for long, I had too much to do. I
had to hurry and get to work For bills would soon be due. So I
knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer. No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book; It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find.
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time"
Now do you have the time to pass it on?
Make sure that you scroll through to the end.
Easy vs Hard
Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell
a lie?
Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is
over we suddenly wake up?
Why is it so hard to talk about God but yet so easy to talk
about nasty stuff?
Why is it so boring to look at a Christian magazine, but
yet so easy to look at a nasty one?
Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e- ma il, but yet we
forward all of the nasty ones?
Why are the churches getting smaller but yet the bars and
dance clubs are getting larger?
Do you give up? Think about it . Are you going to forward
this, or delete it?
Just remember-God is watching you. Prayer Wheel-Let's see
the devil stop this one!
Here's what the wheel is all about. When you receive this,
say a prayer for the person that sent it to you....
That's all you have to do....There is nothing attached....
This is so powerful....
Do not stop the wheel, please....
Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very
best one....
There are no costs, but wonderful rewards... GOD BLESS!
May God keep you and bless you. If this doesn't give you
chills, nothing will...this message is very true. Hope you are all
as blessed as I was from this story. I wonder how many people will
delete this without reading it because of the title on it?
There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small
New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church
carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit.
Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to
speak..."I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young
boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the
cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.
I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, son?" "Just some
old birds," came the reply.
"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.
"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm
gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm
gonna have a real good time" "But you'll get tired of those birds
sooner or later What will you do?"
"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like
birds. I'll take 'em to them."
The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want
for those birds, son?"
"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're
just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even
pretty!"
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said,
"$10?"
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar
bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone.
The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the
end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot Setting
the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars
persuaded the birds out, setting them free.
Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and
then the pastor began to tell this story.
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan
had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and
boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down
there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got
'em all!"
"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach
them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse
each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them
how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna
have fun!"
"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus
asked. "Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly. "How much do you
want for them?" Jesus asked
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why,
you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you,
curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"
"How much?" He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears
and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE!"
Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he
walked from the pulpit.
Notes: Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash
God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but
still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).
Isn't it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through
e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending
messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing?
Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you
will not send it to many on your address list because you're not
sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending
it to them.
Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other
people think of me than what God thinks of me.
I pray, for everyone who sends this to their entire address
book, they will be blessed by God in a way special for them.
And send it back to the person who sent it, to let them know
that indeed it was sent out to many more
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Wednesday, January 04, 2006
schools almost backchristmas break is almost coming to an end,
school's coming back in the next week.
starting back on the 9th.
now what? what to expect?
will i have another adventure?
ones that i enjoy..and ones that i hate?
who really knows. i don't.
but God, give me some strength
and take good care of me,
refresh me fully...energize me up,
and give me the full time battle strength.
let me fight it all through.
and it's interesting,
my brother called me today,
haven't talked in a while,
was good. thanks Lord.
and for those who care,
may i ask that you pray for someone?
someone that needs some strength,
someone that needs some courage,
someone that is constantly in stress,
she's not doing too well;
kinda irks to see such.
thank you.
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friends are family to me.
they're important.
aznphyr__+3.
but i've been doing some thinking,
is there maybe in fact a 4th...?
so what? aznphyr__+4?
for now i think so.
but could i be wrong..?
i'm not really sure.
or is there just aznphyR_+1?
like i'm kind of all over the place.
will someone help me out a bit?
ughh....why am i thinking so much.
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Tuesday, January 03, 2006
first time....it was fun today =)
thanksarooo.
smoooth day today,
thanks God.
-stan
1 Comments:
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helen said...
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glad to hear that u had a nice day.
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2 Comments:
sun leen fai lokkk.... =) hehe i already juk lay stuff already but post it for the record anyway.... juk lay... sun tai geen hong... seew hao seung hoi la =)
hey...thz for the comment...i am so touched...ya...reli.....THANK YOU....
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