Monday, May 30, 2005
so i hate you, yet i love you. (life)
can't you be better off? can't you be equal with everyone else? yeah i know mines better off than a lot of people already...but i'm still jealous of so many around me. i'm jealous of their smartnesss. i'm jealous of their possessions. i'm jealous of their character. i'm jealous of their friends. i'm jealous of their things they have in life that i don't have or feel. i sense from so many people the feeling of non-care. but yet i know they still care.... but i dunno, i guess i need it to show? i don't know.
then i think about something that's soon to come. my teacher, my friend, my one acquaintance that i met through history class in the front. one guy who didn't look down on me because i was new. a guy that didn't care what i looked like. a guy that stood around to hear me. a guy that stood around to hug me. a guy that stood around to cheer me up. a guy that i was able to shout to. a guy that i was able to yell at when i'm not in the mood for anything else. a guy that would listen to me. a guy that invited me to his church because of things that went wrong. a guy who stood by me when i was in one of the biggest pile of crap. a guy that's been with me at pca throughout the 3 years. a guy that i never thought i'd be close with. a guy, that's so different from me...but still took care of me within the years at pca. a guy that i treated like a family member. a guy that treated me like his family member. a guy that shared his feeling with me. a guy that i love. a guy that i care for. a guy that always cares for me. a guy that acted like my dad that i never had. but that part, he's soon to leave. leave from pca, leave from my physical life, and leaving me open to danger and stupid decisions once again. i don't konw how it will be, and i don't know what will happen. and i'm sure so many miss this very same guy. but he was the person who took care for me (he offered me to take care of me, he offered his time, he offered it all for me. even though we have no connection in blood or whatever. he's a guy that just opened up to me and cared for me.) i love you, jones. i love you more than you can imagine man. im' going to miss you. i love you so much jones. thanks for all that you've provided and given to me within these years. when i first heard your departure....for the very first time, it's been a shock to me already. but you stayed one more year. but now you say you're going to leave again, it's one feeling that i feel different about. God bless you, man.
sincerely, stan.
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Saturday, May 28, 2005
exams.yep, exam time...i should really study hard now.
>> done goal: do good on media arts.
>> main goal: do good in math and chem.
>> secondary goal: do good in english, computer and asp.
>> third goal: do good in WR and physics.
----
exam notes requests?
ASP package - done.
Eng Package -- done.
Comp Package -- done.
WR Package -- coming.
Chem Notes -- use the class ones, plus book. =)
Math Notes -- only have self notes, sorry guys.
Physic Notes -- if i can do this one, i would...but yeh..i suck.
Media Arts -- just do it. hehe.
want any? holla. (post here, and i'll send.)
only through comments that i'll send the notes...
so post your email and name!
the packages will be sent to you when i check on this page again, which should be at like 12 of each day.
3 Comments:
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Kamikaze said...
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NOTES!!!! lol... yeah we're all probably anxious and stressed about them... sigh... stupid parental pressure lol
-Ben -
Kamikaze said...
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ill take the english ones too :) (yellowdragon7777777@hotmail.com)
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/blu/ren.ka said...
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stan- yur toooo nice to be true you know? sometimes u just need to kick back and relax =) *like i always do... but in my case it's called slacking off* anyway... just to let you know... we all appreciate it
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Thursday, May 26, 2005
unsolvable equation.someone good with math, wanna help?
the sum is 3.
i care for all 3.
i would give anything up for the 3.
i dun mind sacrificing things for the 3.
i don't mind hurting myself for the 3.
i admire 1. i like 1. and i love 1.
yet i need to share myself with 3.
but what happens when all 3 need me?
how do you split 1 into 3 equally throughout.
1 by 3 gives me 0.3333...
and leaves always a remainder with a 1.
what if they all crash at some point?
that will be 4-3=1. that would suck.
the 3 also has other 1s. or 2s or 3s.
but what if the 3 needs me right now at the same time?
how do i handle 3 at the same time...
if they all from 3 different places?
the 3 has changed ever since the old 3 existed.
but the relation with them still remains.
the new 3 is whats most important to me now.
and the 3 is the most dangerous weapon against me.
i've dealt with the 3 already...
one for less than 3 years, and 2 within the recent 3-year span
but anyways...equation sets back to 1/3, is that possible?
someone give me a solution...?
i love all 3. i care for all 3. i respect you 3.
i'm quite happy there's no problem between me and the 3.
but i dunno...i'm wondering about the later times, when i wont be as free.
1 Comments:
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Xae Lee said...
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stan, ur not God, u cant multitask like that. you care for the 3, they should care for you back. make a promise with one that u will help him/her on that specific time and if someone else needs help, im sure that person has more than just you, and you will have to say no. if they truly cared for you, they would understand. imagine if God answered all our prayers as yes?
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
a time that was amusing actually.
but i regret not taking pics of my x3 as well; now THAT had memories! =P
(those in my car understand haha)
3 Comments:
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said...
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I WISH I WAS IN UR CAR!!!!! that wouldve been sweet!!!!! lol... ah well... can always imagine..
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heids said...
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sorry for blurring up all your pictures! =)
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/blu/ren.ka said...
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*faints and dies*
*points at the pic*
*faints and dies again*
u posted the ugly one. . .
not like there was any other one. . .
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Sunday, May 22, 2005
a reminder please.someone please inform me why am i living this life? why am i hating it so very much? sure there are worse people than me...but why do i haveta repeat the cycle over and over again? am i supposed to learn something that i haven't learned? or is this just one repetitive game that i just wanna say "f-you" to? God this, God that...honestly, i'm quite fed up with it. if there's something that i havta learn, please show me right now. i hate guessing and i hate repetitive things. what more can i say? except this hatred against You. my heart shakes as i think about You right now, i'm not even in the patience to be with You, Lord. as much as you care, and as much as you love me, and as much as you provide me...but right now, i don't feel anything that much from You. it's not really "my choice" in the first place to choose to give up or not... but as of now, i really want to say, get away from me. i want to live a life right now...one that i don't haveta go through all this shit. is it you that's making it all happen? or was this all because of my wicked hands? i don't know and i don't really give a damn. my heart's just furious at all the angles right now, and yet i'm still talking to You. i don't get this myself, but right now..all i have to say is "God, please move away from me, so i can actually breathe." matter of fact, i really ask that you can end my life, in whatever way. sure i have lots more to see in the future and more to fathom and more to overcome...but i'm tired. actually i'm sick AND tired of all this crap. end my life somehow, cuz i'm not the person that can choose my own life's decision. You're the one who should be able to take or provide me with that very breathe of life...ever since the beginning. For now, i don't see a motivation to live on for you. i feel really burdened to have to follow all your ways. one side i want to follow you, but following your ways is making me have a hard time..and matter of fact, i haven't even been following all your ways to begin with. i've been up there with you, cuz i felt it. but for whatever reason now, i'm quite fed up. i question myself, do i really need you? probably deep inside me somewhere, i would know that i need you. but on the outer cores around that deep spot... i don't. and i don't want you. and i don't see the reason to have you.
i'm backing down, but i know you still cling on me, cuz i know you never give up on your people...it's sad that i have my master clinging on me and i'm not doing jackshit...but that's really how i feel. i don't have the effort to pull you onto my shoulders again and unite as one. i must say, i must leave you clinging as of now. sorry, i guess? i don't even know. show me some meaning, and show me some motivation..and definitely show me your care and all.
1 Comments:
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Kamikaze said...
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stan... i completely understand how u feel right now... i've gone through it... and probably still am... still living a life filled with sin... unable to bear the pressure from God's expectations... yes... even so... the life of a Christian is to follow this life..no matter how hard it is... in the end it will all be worth it... yes... i've tried to deny the fact that this kind of things is true and i have doubted in God's plan for my life...
the thing is... you can't back down.. once you do so... satan will come full force and try to take u from Him. One word... Preserverance... if u need help with anything in your life... pressures... spiritual decay... whatever... just talk to us, your friends... we may not know exactly how to help, but we'll be there for you...personally, i see my life as a wavelength (sorry for reminding u of physics) with uncountable ups and downs... i have left God, came back, left again... and everytime i leave i feel empty... what's better? a life smothered by God or a life without God and separation... i always come to the conclusion that a life with God is definitely and ultimately the right choice... no matter how hard life is... it will end eventually... the important thing is to confirm your spiritual and eternal life...
pushing God away won't help you.. sure u'll feel relieved because the pressure of expecations is lifted... but what good does that do you ultimately? not that i wanna judge you... since i know i have probably chosen worse paths and i have A LOT of things i need to fix in my life... but still... don't give up your relationship with God... i have seen your changes since you came to this school and i was encouraged by how strong your relationship grew... (at least that's what I saw)... Don't give up. DONT GIVE UP! DONT EVER GIVE UP! continue and face the trials of a life lived for Christ. wow... longest comment ever... lol... remember, your friends are with you every step of the way and God will be with u even after that.
-Ben
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Saturday, May 21, 2005
spring banquet.the thing itself wasn't all that great...there wasn't much included as part of it. there wasn't any dancing. there wasn't any "good" drinks. and the food wasn't all that great. there wasn't really any interesting things to do...except mingling with your friends at the place. we could do that in other places too.... but i guess the fun part of it was just to dress up and see others around you being all pretty and all. that was the fun part....
the after parts was the funner parts. where everything was more relaxed and more on your own sorta thing...was able to catch up with some friends...cuz i didn't really go around to mingle that much at the actual 'sit down' parts. had to kinda stay around my date, so didn't really go around...sorry guys. but meh...it's all good.
but otherwise, it was just a good time with friends.
and i got the wrong tie...grr.....-___-"
oh and send me pics everyone! =D
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Saturday, May 14, 2005
renewal. rebirth. restart.
hi, my name is stan. nice to meet you. can we be your friend? =)
no more sadness. no more fear. let it run.
God's on all my ways of life. Let Him guide.
All forgiven, all forgotten.
renewal.
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
it's not like.it's not like i need you, but i choose to have you by my side.
it's not like i need to get hurt, but i choose to continue with us so i hurt.
it's not like i need to do a lot of things, but it's just my personality to try to recover. it's not like i have to go through these things, but i choose to because it's worth it in the end. it's not like i can do anything about you, cuz you're the final decision. it's not like i want to give up, but it's hurting a lot each day. it bugs me to see one so close, yet so far. with nothing, but a silent treatment version of you. walking, and walking...across or away from me; leaving me in the dust. i try to help, yet i don't get a response. it's all on you now. i'm waiting for you.
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005
past with present.i used to be close, but now i'm far.
i used to be here, but now i'm over there.
i used to be beside you, but now i'm far.
i used to be at the top, but now i'm at the bottom.
i used to be at the list, but now i'm not.
i used to communicate a lot, but now it's subtle.
i used to laugh with joy, but now i don't.
i used to tap, but now i don't.
i used to joke, but now i don't.
i used to be free and whatever may come, but now it's different.
i used to call, but now it's gone.
i used to recieve calls, but it too is gone.
i used to love pink, but now i don't.
i used to live with success, but now i live with pain.
i used to be open, but now it seems impossible.
i used to be good, now now we're bad.
i used to be loving, but now i don't even know.
i used to be able to do about anything, but now it's changed.
i used to hear your voice, but now i rarely do.
i used to share, but now it is not the same.
i used to eat your lunch, but it's been passed on.
i used to be the one that you look for, but that too have passed itself.
i used to be able to stand around you whenever you're sad, but now there are others.
i used to be understanding to you, but now i question because i don't know anymore.
i used to be fine, but now i'm jealous.
i used to be sitting beside you, but now i have moved on to make you comfortable.
i used to spend time with you, but now it's unraveled into something new.
i used to have a friend that i cherished, but now it hurts to see stuff happen.
i used to be strong and give all that i have, but now i'm really weak.
i used to be determined and motivated to go on, but now i'm starting to let go.
i used to be happy when i see you, but now it brings me heartpain and tears.
i used to have a good time at school, but now it's quite hurtful.
i used to have common interests with you and everything, but now it seems you've dropped them.
i used to think we're always going to be fine, but now i don't.
i used to be thinking that we can be connected, but it seems the connections been picked.
i used to....
just so many things.
past vs present; what more can i say?
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Sunday, May 08, 2005
Thank You.
you guys know who you are,
just for all the prayers and support.
lets run this. shift back on focus.
lets do this, com'on God. let us all grow!
All back up on You.
---
English Notes TOTC Test Package: mirror 1
English Notes TOTC Test Package: mirror 2
Don't blame me for anything if the notes suck =) cuz they do.
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Saturday, May 07, 2005
can someone?argh, may i ask, can someone just help me live this life?
cuz i'm kinda lost...as in nothing seems right, but yet they are right. i can't seem to focus on my school life, but only on certain things...for example, others around me. i'll help them at any cost. but myself, i don't even really care...or seems like it. i don't even have the same motivation to work for school anymore...i don't have the motivation to really go on with this school life or this busy life. all i have in my head right now is God, others, and this other thing. i'm sinning as we speak, and i'm hurting God...but i'm continuing to confess and ask for forgiveness. i may seem so "godly" to some people..or so they say i'm strong? but definitely not.. i do not feel any of that is true. my mind is taking everything and changing it into something of a negative effect. i don't konw if this is something you would call good...cuz it's good and bad. i don't even konw why... i just want silence now. music useta come flowing out of my room and keeps me so motivated...but now, music is sorta bothering me. i useta be able to drive a car fast and definite, but now.. i'm so sloppy. i useta be able to be bold about things, but now i just do whatever. something wrong? i don't even know. actually i do konw, it's me. that's the problem...can someone end it?
prayers, prayers, and more prayers.
i'm praying, but i'm falling too. what is there to do now? staying faithful to God. i commit myself to you, Lord. help me out.
let me focus, let me regain that focus; as i'm a camera that lost its focus.
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Thursday, May 05, 2005
confusion.now that my brother is back with me, and able to share some wonderful time with me again...and led me that shoulder to cry; it seems like i don't even know how to tell him...or where to start. my hearts been once boggled with all the dreadful moments and hurting wounds. i wanted to cry and just hug this brother closely to me..and just tell him all that i feel. i want to share with him what i went through...and all that he's "missed." i want him to be able to know what i went through....but i seems to me right now; my mind is still swarmed with confusion. i can't seem to grasp my hands on the right words...and i definitely do not know the problem to tell him. i mean... like me and her had a talk between each other on the day...and things were sorted out...for the most part. she was okay with talking to me, and she still treats me like that friend, she still values me as her friend, and all the other...but she just told me that our bond was not the same and definitely in need of some time before it can rebuild. hence, she accepted me again. But moreover, i "accepted" her back as well...but i can't get my mind straight. i mean i love her and everything, for she is my sister...but it kind of feels that we're so apart right now..and i'm not sure what she thinks, nor can i feel what she thinks/feel. i'm "locking myself" out of the danger zones right now; just cuz i dont want anything to happen again.
i'm satisfied, or better word is, i appreciate her strength and confidence in actually talking to me again and all...and i definitely want her back as my once dear, little sister. [or at least, i know my heart does....] but i still have some hardened spots that is restricting me to do so....i'm scared of getting hurt again i guess...and i just can't feel the same as i did before. i mean.. i look into the classrooms and halls, and i see of her sweet figure... i'm glad that she's still around...and i'm glad we're able to talk again at any given time. but my body is reacting strangely. i can't just walk up and start talking again. i feel so awkward now. i don't get it.
i just feel so trapped in this little bubble...i want to be able to burst it and come out as a new "sister-loving-stan." but i don't seem to know how to reach here. please give me some help God. i ask again for Your help between my relationship with this girl. she's so dear to me, and i remember the things and memories of how i wanted her back, and all the other...but now that she's here, i can't react right...
please help. please.
1 Comments:
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Xae Lee said...
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how can a mechanic fix your car if your still driving it? i know its hard to give up everything to God. when i gave everything up to God, things felt like they got worse, and everything felt like it was crumbling, but u know, remeber mr philip said, you gota have a strong foundation to build a bigger building. to get a stronger foundation, u gota break down the building, first. stan, ive been patient and now im on fire for God. im ordinary, you can do it to.
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Wednesday, May 04, 2005
continuing on from the last post.decision's made, but my actions aren't living up to it.
i dunno what i'm up too..but i can't seemta be able to talk or do i wanna accept....ahhhhhhh.......je suis confused.
blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm not even making sense anymore. blah this =\
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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
solution?>> cc: sister. i'm sorry.
so finally, i'm able to talk to her again...well she actually pulled me out of the lunch room when i was just sincerely praying; just well.. i don't know even know how to deal with this myself. she says "stan!" once..and i just ignore it, because i figured it was my mere imagination for her to ever really speak to me again...just cuz i've heard something so different yesterday. then another "stan!" came along, and i shook out of my prayers and opened my eyes up. she stood there and said "can we talk" with a smile on her face. i was joyful and happy that we're able to talk, and for her desire to talk...but at the same time... i did not know what to really expect. my heart grew sour and it bit me here and there. we talked outside..and things were "sorted out"...for the most part...even though, we still had our differences in beliefs. but we're still friends, and we're able to talk again. i told her what i've been hearing and what i've heard from so many people that i'm very lost and confused..becuase i really do not konw what to really believe anymore... like even though, within me.. i know i should believe her. For she konws what's the truth outta her... but i question about her credibility...just because i've been quite hurt within these times too. i've heard things that she wanted me outta her life...but when i told her, she was shocked and told me it was not true...but that thought really surrounded my heart and head. i'm just so boggled right now... for one side (or at least i did in the past few weeks, even until yesterday) to regain her trust and all...but now on the other side of me...i really let this situation down..and i relaly don't know if i still wanna play this "game." i've been hurt quite a bit through yesterday's conversations with so many people...especially one individual..who just shot it through my heart in every direction. i was so shot down from that point....that i just wanted to give up the game... i honestly told myself and declared that i would give it all up....because i've just had about enough. but i finalized to not giving up, because i konw this can work out somehow through God's hands..just somehow...some unexplainable way, that just works. today... i just moved outta the way most of the time, and just continued on trusting on God. it did work..and man did my burdensome heart feel relieved. i was able to stand living up in the same room as her, and even looking at her..without feeling too down. sure i wished i can be alright with her... but at the point that we finally spoke..."i got what i wanted" because of God's wonderfulness.....but now i wonder really....do i wanna relive a life with her? i'm just so question-ish about everything...that i'm really confused myself.
what should i finalize my answer to be? do i want to play again? do i have enough money to insert that coin into the game machine again...and have another go at it? do i have the strength or should i back out and finally get some rest? what would the game be like in the future? how much longer can i play....i questino about everything right now.
i love you and all, but i'm hurting to play. with all my heart, i want to play again with you honestly, becuase you're worth it...but i just have so many questions. give me some time to process all this, because right now.. i'm definitely overwhelmed. i'm sorry to have to put you through this...but i'm just so stressed about this situation.
so much beating, so much damaage, so many wounds...then a snap of a finger, and we're set to go antoher round? it's hard for me.
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Monday, May 02, 2005
take it.one hard battle, another to overcome. yet i'm so weak right now...what more can i do than cry on my feet. my hearts shot through in every direction, and man am i appreciatiing all the care and support i have around me right now. without them, i would be in such more pain...but them right now isn't enough for me. i still crumble..and i still fall. i really ask God to take care of everything.
God give me strength, please.
I really ask of Your care and love through this hard battle.
space? take it. i'll wait.
whatever else, i cannot do...i've done what i can do, and i am willing to suffer through this hard time, that i hate so much, for you because you are that important and much valued within me.
P.S. for those who aren't even involved, i ask nicely, please stay the hell outta the problem. thanks. i appreciate your kindness to help and all...but just don't. it's between me and her. not me/her/you. just stay the hell outta it.
2 Comments:
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Xae Lee said...
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let God reveal his glory, and although it might not make u feel better like me, it made me do the right thing. so just expose yourself to him
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/blu/ren.ka said...
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God will give you strength as long as you ask. Amen. =)
I'm praying for you stan.
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4 Comments:
and proud of it too! =)
you know that
tho i think i'm slowly going insane i think i'm losing brain cells quicker than anyone else.
-- and what are you doing reading blogs? you should be studying.. or better HERE HELPING US!
gosh..
im gonna miss jones soooo insanely much.
i say
we drive down
and visit him every weekened.
=)
roadtrip... NC? hmm... hahahaha... =D
s-s-s-sss--taaaan. i'll miss him too, he won't be replaced..
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