Tuesday, November 29, 2005
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Anonymous said...
dude...i'm praying for you. been reading your blogs for the past bit. trust God with EVERYTHING. He makes it all better in time. never forget He's the best best friend you'll ever have. He's been there for me when i needed someone the most.
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ
10:29 PM
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cool. so english presentation is outta the way,
we did an awesome job team! now for another act?
haha, but this time in front of the other classes?
it's gonnna be fun =P
roar.
anywho....
drinking coffee,
doing schoolwork,
and going to sleep asap.
so ttyl all.
keep those prayers going.
all in Christ.
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Saturday, November 26, 2005
----to the person (that i have no clue who it is),
who posted on "the" blog; i must say thank you.
i dont know who you are, but thanks for your time of caring.
----
i've been out all day yesterday,
since starting of school to 3am,
celebrating arthur's birthday.
it was fun, becuase i was able to put
myself out of the reality that i am in.
i was able to smile and laugh together.
but now it's over, and i must define something.
something that i thought about when i got back.
defintion of a best friend.
i asked a few people what a best friend to them is,
and this is what i gathered:
- a person that you can truly rely on
- a person that you can share your feelings with
- a person that can know your worse of worse
- a person that you can look for when you doubt
- a person that you can expect to forgive you
- a person that you can expect to endure anything with
- a person that you can feel close with, with or without contact
- a person that you can torment to the worst, and still stick by you
- a person that will not give up on you
- a person that will protect you from any kinds of doubts or troubles
- a person that will cry with you when you are sad
- a person that will share the burdens on your shoulders with no doubt
- a person that will take care of you when you feel most down
- a person that will hold onto you when you feel most weak
- a person that will not betray you
- a person that you can ultimately trust with all your life
Reflection
i have done this for you, and i do not know what else you expect.
i have done what i can to the best of my abilities,
i have thrown every last bit of effort that i can into the ring,
into enduring the battles and sufferances.
i just do not get how you can "wrap up all the history" and throw it out
who stuck by you when you needed it most?
who let you call me every single minute, becuase you felt bad?
who took on your secrets?
who tried to cheer you up when you told me the "secret"?
who would throw away all their own troubles, to take on yours?
who would try their most to satisfy your needs, even when they're most tired?
who took on every bit of pain in their heart, to sustain a friendship?
who has not given up on you for one little bit?
(even with everyone telling me that you are not worth it)
who cried for their best friend for continuous hours;
to the point of having their eyes swollen shut?
i did.
you once told me i was your best friend,
you acknowledged it, and told me.
please, do share with me what happened now then.
i'll stick a note to myself:
whatever happens,
you are my best friend, nonetheless.
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Thursday, November 24, 2005
what i have to say..what i have to say to you,
i tried being nice and all kind.
but now i've had enough from you,
bugging your friends?
who the hell defined them as YOUR friends?
do you think before you freaking talk,
just because you're friends with them,
does not make them YOUR friends.
if you want to go die,
then go die.
honest to God, you dont have the guts to,
so don't even start with me.
all YOUR poor friends all YOUR best friends,
you seriously need some help.
i can say the same to you then,
they're MY friends. you can get off them.
oh and what happened to me being YOUR bestfriend?
it seems like you can just toss me away,
is that way true friendship is?
and to top it off,
you say friends are someone that you can trust and not betray?
you betrayed me. you mistrusted me, and definitely brought me
down to the floor.
go fucking breathe, go for it.
i have emotions too,
not just you.
you're being freaking selfish, in thinking
that you can just walk over me when you want
and when you dont want me, you can trash me through.
i miss you because i freaking cherished your friendship,
but obviously you're not doing the same with me.
and to top it off, it makes me question about you,
of the times we share before,
what was that all about?
i never knew you were so coldhearted,
in giving me all that hope, then trashing it through
like there's no tomorrow.
you don't want me to miss you? fine.
you don't want me to give a damn? sure.
whatever
and just to let you know,
you think you're the only one considered of dying?
you have no idea. i have thought so long before you did.
and to tell you, my eyes been so fucking swollen,
it hurts for me to even open them.
all your POOR friends,
why don't you think on my perspective for a bit?
who's the freaking poor one,
the one getting hurt,
or the ones that you define as poor.
think about that.
use your head.
I'M THE ONE WHO LOST MY BEST FRIEND.
AND GOT TRAMPLED OVER.
i've taken so much shit from you
over the past month or whatever,
and i don't even know how i'm standing.
whatever you want,
go for it.
i just thought our friendship meant more.
1 Comments:
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Thiago Forrest Gump said...
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É uma música?
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Wednesday, November 23, 2005
uneasy friendship.
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last minute before i sleep...
last minute before i sleep,
stuff's on my mind..
i remember today, i was upset,
i fought, i ranted, i vented, and i sat.
i remember today... i watched tv;
not having the mood to work at all.
and waiting for a reply to a phone call.
nothing.
i remember myself crawling onto my bed,
and just lying there; speechless.
tears about to come, but held it in.
shaken that i feel, i still lay there...
doing..nothing.
just lying there.
more tears wanted to escape down my eyes,
but my eyes have been so dry,
from the previous tears;
that it hurts to even cry.
i couldn't.. i just lied there; speechless.
something happened; and my mind just went blank...
blank to the point that i cannot even remember,
i think i cried myself to sleep,
i am not sure; but i do know when i got off bed,
i was clueless of whats happening.
i went back onto my phone, and still..nothing.
i felt lonely...lonely that no one really cared,
wanted to call her, but there was no point.
and at the same time, i'm still waiting for another call.
but nothing.
so last minute before i sleep,
i bring to you my attention;
- her, her, and her. (the 3 of my life)
- him and him (the 2 brothers of my life)
- God (the one and only)
- and to my surprise, another her.
i'm shaken man,
and try to remind myself, "take it easy stan"
but that's not working.
God take it all,
becuase without you, i'm going to fall.
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Monday, November 21, 2005
we're called to..."we're to help our brothers and sisters carry the heavy burdens of life--a terrible loss, a crushing circumstance..."
we're all called to do such a thing,
and for most of the time, the other appreciates it.
but there are those other some times, where it is not.
often i share such burdens with my family; in blood or not.
i get accepted;
yet i get rejected.
depending all on the time;
but for the most part, accepted.
i have been rejected out of one's life,
and honestly, it still hurts.
but i'm trying to take it on.
but for you sis,
i hate to see you cry...
and today i saw you cry,
it hurt, but trust me man..
let yourself off a bit..and life won't be as tough.
don't pressure everything onto yourself,
and don't let your own mind scare you.
take it easy sis...do call my cell at any given time.
mind it be 5 in the morning, do so.
i love you man; you know i do.
skipping english for you was "fun" today,
but it sucked to see you cry.
i love you man.. i love you.
if no other does, i still do.
not a single doubt about that.
bro, you've been faithful,
and i'm glad to see things are working out
for you and yeah. things will go by quickly
now..dont let your guard down man..dont let it.
but you know who to run to when enduring...
there is no other, there's one.
one God, one Father, one true, all-time lover.
take it easy on yourself..
and my other bro,
sorry to have screamd at you for a bit...
i was just..overtaken by the tears that i saw.
not that i necessarily mean it.
sorry about that.
for the other sister,
not that you'll read this,
cuz i dun think you even know about this blog,
but you got me anytime.
wel...you already know that =P
and for you, last but not least, sis..
i miss you and those times we shared.
i'll endure it; waiting for you..
hopefully, we'll share the times together,
as one again.
faith in you Lord.
faith.
God, take it all,
because without you, i will fall.
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Saturday, November 19, 2005
lives: can we intertwine?woke up and i saw my phone beside me.
picked it up and called,
didn't get a pickup;
so i just listened to some music on it...
your song came on..and i felt a sudden strike on the heart.
i remembered you and wished for your call;
becuase that's a song that comes on.
i haven't heard that song in a while,
to you, remember how you say a friend
is someone that knows the lyrics,
to sing the song back to you when you forget it?
i've forgotten it... and wish that you can sing
it back to me once again.
can our lives please intertwine again?
i miss you so very much,
it's hurting, it's hurting....
but i endure it with no regreting.
God, take it all.
Because without you, i will fall.
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Friday, November 18, 2005
heartpounding exam...what can i say...
it's 10:29am right now, and my exam is at 12:35.
that's very close by... i don't feel ready at all actually,
kinda pissing my pants; scared.
should i fear this much?
or am i taking it way too overboard..?
Oh God, calm my hearts and
just let me do to my best abilities.
through this all,
i think about you, you and you.
brother.
you i care for, and for now you're hurting,
let me take care of you. but i too am going
through problems, so it may be hard and i must
say i cannot always be around cuz of that...
but trust me, i'll be around to the best that
i can ...even if it means to sacrifice other things.
and you, i miss talking to you, but i'll see you at
school very soon. i appreciate your text messages
over the course of yesterday night. it means quite
a bit..but i guess i wanted to talk with you more...
hope to talk to you when i'm out of that exam room.
and there's the other you.
i miss you man...a lot.
i haven't called you, i haven't spoke to you,
i haven't been with you, i haven't been close to you,
it's weird... i miss it.
i miss the happy days with you and i together.
miss you....miss you a lot.
God take hand at this mind of mine,
it's going bezerk all over the place.
calm me, and take care of me.
and God, take care of my brother.
take good care of him, if i may ask..
take the efforts even in the care you give to me,
and give it to him. he needs it at this point of time.
i do too, but...i'm willing to give some of it to him.
praise to you, Lord.
amen.
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Monday, November 14, 2005
i want to....i want to cry cuz i'm hurt.
i want to cry cuz i dont know what to do.
i want to cry cuz i miss having times with you.
i want to cry cuz i'm shaken today.
i want to cry cuz of just so many reasons.
mask i put on to hide from the true reality to others,
of the happy stan that you see;
it's not the truth,
i miss you all this much and is burdened.
i'm hurting.....why? for you.
a game is supposed to be relieving and fun,
but this is a game i do not want to play.
it's a game with my emotions and feelings,
with my heart; it hurts every second that i play,
i want to quit this game...but i can't.
i'm tearful...God...please..
let this game move on...
i've had enough.....
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Tuesday, November 08, 2005
a glimpse of my mind.to keep a count,
all the ones that i love have told me to give up on you.
to just let go of you finally,
and get it over with.
they hate seeing me upset all this time,
becuase they care for me,
and rather see me glad, than sad.
but it's amusing to see,
i'm still battling it out to not give up on you.
it's really hard on me..you know?
i dont even have much back to support my strength in you,
i'm enduring this one by myself really.
i have God, but i dont know his plan...
so i can only wait it out.
but for what i know,
many have suggested i surrender the battle now.
i simply knocked it off and said no.
i take on this battle more and more,
even after every kind of piercing through my heart.
you're worth it to me.
you know i love and care for you very deeply,
you know i'd drop everything for you (if you ask),
you acknowledge all this...but then why must you..
why must you hurt me so much?
why must you turn away from me?
why must you close that door right to my face?
space you need...space i give you.
but can't you at least talk with me?
why must i feel so empty when i'm in a room with you?
a sense of despair runs over me.
i try my efforts to stay strong,
but it's really difficult to go on...
i'm falling really weak,
weak to the point that i want to give up..
but there's just something about you,
that just tells me to stand up tall and not let you go.
you know how it feels to be ignored,
especially when it's someone that you care so deeply for,
but then why must i feel that very same way?
why must you do it back to me?
i endured it with you; when you felt the bad times with others..
but for me, it seems like you're gone...
why is it so unfair?
i honestly do not know why i haven't given up on you,
but to me, it's really worth it.
worth the pain; worth the time; worth the effort.
with all my efforts in place,
i long for the day when you and i are back together the way we used to be.
i enjoyed those days, and i miss it.
heart-ache-ingly,
stan.
2 Comments:
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said...
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you never give up on things you love.
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curt said...
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funnyyyyy i was just watching naruto eps bri gave me, and this guy was like "you become truly strong when you fight for somebody important to you". and right now you're going through this battle because of somebody who you value. and that's what makes you strong, not weak. the fact that you can love somebody so much that you'd give up everything for him/her in an instant. that kind of love makes you strong beyond belief. that kind of love is untrump-able.
so don't think of yourself as getting weaker and weaker. because you aren't. you're getting stronger.
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Monday, November 07, 2005
you make such a difference in my life.reality i try to escape from,
trying to swarm myself with other thoughts,
so i don't have to think about you and me.
or even feel the times when i'm separated from you.
it hurts me so much to realize our apart-ness.
my hearts so fragile now,
your simple walk away or your simple turn away,
pierces it right through more and more,
at every angle i can imagine.
if you were to rip it out,
i can guarantee you see the holes.
the holes drenched with blood,
and blackness; cuz i'm hurt that much.
honestly, i'm trying to hide...
trying to work in the background for you.
when you need something,
i will help and provide the best that i can.
you realizing or not,
i think i will do it continually.
i love you dearly that much.
much like how i love every other brother.
or every sister.
i miss you that much,
i really want to be close with you once again.
please Lord.
shape me up... i'm not focusing,
my heart aches, and my mind is boggled.
put me back up, let there be supports,
so i can learn to fly once again.
i've fallen, and i'm limping.
please end me of this pain.
end me physically if that's what it takes,
becuase what i endure now... it hurts me a lot.
at this point, i don't think i'm even afraid of death anymore,
i once used to be, but for now...
take it. just take it all into your hands.
i really can't care less about my own life.
strike me with a knife if that's what it takes,
to make it better, make it be in the hands of that person.
i'm trembling down to my knees and i lie in my bed,
crying.
yes crying all...the strong stan you imagine me to be,
i'm really not, i too fall over and cry.
i hate myself right now because it seems i can't even keep
a simple relation with you. and i'm failing you God.
i rest here..
crying.
--tears are my new best friend.
1 Comments:
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Kamikaze said...
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what can i say? i've been through it, but this is obviously of no comfort, man... just let it out, you have people realy close 2 u... the friends you see everyday, we're here 4 u... just ask for sum help... and you can expect to get it, cuz that's what we're here for... share the burden! as im learning in a new program at my church "40 Days of Community" sequel to "40 Days of Purpose"... we're made to take challenges together... if it's too personal or ur not open to tell any1 yet, that's fine, but if u eva need nething.. u know where to look to... your brothers... friends... only thing i can do rite now is pray...
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Friday, November 04, 2005
thinking about you...just sitting here after a long yesterday,
listening to soft music, thinkin about the hwk load...
then your face came into mind.
how sweet that you were,
how cute that you were,
how close we were,
how we laughed together and all...
i really miss you...
my heart starts to itch,
and starts to sour up.
it hurts,
i really miss you.
please if you still care,
give me a phone call.
i'll always wait for you.
if you think i dont care,
you are wrong... each day,
i cry myself to sleep.
because that's how much you are worth to me.
i hate seeing the distance between you and me.
2 Comments:
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said...
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Hey Blogger I really love your post, keep up the good work!
I got a online dating blog/site also, It's a free information site on online dating
plus other stuff.
You should check it out if you get the chance :-) -
curt said...
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yoo man. i don't know what i can say...well i do. but yeah. like i went through/sort of am going through the same thing right now. and yeah i know how it feels, it sucks royal a__. but you know sometimes you have to let things go? the harder you try to cling something that's slipping out of your grasp, the more frustrating and painful it becomes. so sometimes it's better to let things drop...let things break, and then piece it back together once everything's settled.
i'm not saying that that is the best thing to do right now, but yeah.
take it easy buddy. got your backkk anyday
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a day to remember with the fellas
waking up at like 8 in the morning, out of the blue...
showering and getting ready to fly off to buffalo.
without notice, without any planning given to me,
i just rushed out and on we go to buffalo, ha!
woosh woosh, we're there.
we do the crazy shopping..each of us spending at least a bill.
crossing back the border scared us shitless,
cuz we dun wanna pay =p
tried dif ways to hide it all..
and we did it. =)
fun day.
let me relist the timeline:
- 8 shower
- 9 outty at car wash and gas pump
- mcdonalds
- highway (all over the place cuz of the stupid beyatch (gps, ha)
- border (getting all nerved up)
- shopping! =D
- chilling
- niagara falls
- chilling
- fairview chillout (found victoria)
- fmp chillz
- markville chills
- kbbq it out
- home
fun day.
we're doing this again boys! =D
**--------
and oh yeah, i missed you along the way actually.
thought about you and was gonna invite you,
but...i didnt, i was too scared to.
take it easy.
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Tuesday, November 01, 2005
hm...actually.actually, the S is quite good;
cuz it reminds me of you.
anyway, i guess its good that you
have found the support that you may need.
but i wish that i can share those burdens
with you along the way because you're
never alone in your problems or even ever.
aznphyR+3, i love each of you.
thanks brothers x2.
thanks sisters x3.
i love each and every one of you;
to me, you mean a lot,
and that isn't a figure of speech,
i actually mean it.
live proof to you all,
it's simply me.
i wish i can rip my heart out,
to show you the worth of each
of you...you may or may not be
surprised; because it takes much of it.
each of you.
--stan.
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1 Comments:
ur english presentation
was
o-so-fantastic
WHOA.
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