-- SLK32 --

Monday, December 27, 2004

ever since i moved down from ottawa, i've come to know someone known as Jesus. did i take him seriously? shamefully speaking, no i didn't. i was born in a family (matter fact, mainly my grandma's influence...since i've lived with her all my life) that believed in the weirdo buddah...thinking back at it makes me chuckle. cuz honestly, why did i believe in such a thing like that? Well.. i didn't really worship him or anything.. i only "believe" that he was a "god". never took him seriously. but my grandma really did and worshiped him for the longest time...plus she even hopes for me and the family...and getting these fortune telling pink sheets that's SUPPOSEDLY true. It basically says if you're gonna be successful or if it's good or whatever else. pretty pathetic actually. but back to the story, moved down from ottawa, to toronto..and was introduced to Christ by my uncle. Thank God honestly. at first, i remember going to church was a hassle. cuz to me, it's like saturday and sunday are the ONLY two days where a kid can actually sleep in for once. other than that, it's always waking up at like 6 in the morning gettin ready for school and what not. so going to church and meeting with all these random people (that i have no relation with whatsoever) was relaly not a good preference. but i dunno...after a year or so, i kinda took him more seriously you can say...but then we moved again up to richmond hill area and we moved to another church...from there, i was baptized when i turned 11. That's pretty young actually...but it's not like it matters on age. point is, i got baptised and then.. i dunno, living in a public school system and no personal all-time-Christian-supporter by my side...it was hard to grow within the Lord. so where does this leave me? i was a kid that had minimal knowledge of Christ and i was baptised and left in a "not-so-friendly" place...that doesn't help my spiritual growth either...matter fact, i've actually learned to be "more bad" than what i already am. from the years in ottawa, i also lived in a public system, where i already developed a bad foundation to start out with. Swearing, fighting, problem making, and whatever else; you name it. i've done it. it's been like that for a long period of time... although i've set my mind to change, becuase of God, i never relaly took it seriosuly...and always had excuses: "i'll do it next time" ; "i'll remember next time...this time i'll just do it" ; " i can't change, it's just me" ; and blablablaba.... just excuses after excuses. Dunno...i guess from the point that i was baptised, i was really "godly" for a while..and interested in Him. always asked my uncle about him and wanted to know more....attending sunday school was fun, and interesting..blablabal.... but i dunno, it's not till i actauly hit high school, till i actually experienced God a lot and started to change. From grade 5 to 8, i was at a publicized high school, and lived school life like a competition...at least on the friendship side...it was who's big (in power) means who's got the most back which means who's got the most friends. although i've gained a lotta power, i'ved gained lotta friends through actualy friendships too. prolly just my character, cuz idon't just merely make friends through power and blah. but yeah...leaving from elementary school to high school was weird. really weird, cuz i hadda leave them and attend somehwere totally different--PCA. it was totlaly different from what i'm used to.. i held down all my cussing problems and basically didn't talk much..cuz i didn't want to say the wrong thing (like "what the hell" or "what the f...") in the classroom or whatever...it was rreally weird and VERY hard to keep it altogether, cuz it was totally NOT me. but yeah.. i managed to get through... i just met friends one by one....well 2 of them, i actually knew ahead of time. one was Chris Fung. dunno if anyone of you still rmb or konw him.. but anyways, i've met him through some track and field meet up in elementary school and some relationship thing i've encountered before. so when i saw him at pca again, it was easy to get along with him..and he's hte one who really "brought" me to know the people...not really...but he at least allowed me to fit in, when i can't talk to anyone else =P anyways... yeah, kept meeting different people within different classes. It was actaulyl pretty weird....cuz all the people seem more friendly than what i was used to. except a couple, which are more of the "tough" ones...but i dunno, got to know them fastest. prolly cuz they're similar to me? cuz of "tough look" and "tough this and that"...dunno.. but yah, i had like 2 friends (Chris and Aaron) dat was pretty much it..the rest i kept meeting in classes that i don't even remeber most of the time haha... but now that i think back, i rmb them perfectly. one was Mark Elrehab in computer class, he's the first guy i've met after the other two. then i met adalia. then ashton in music class. then brian, who helped me so much in life and all. real blessing from God. the other guy that i've known before was Alfred, through chinese/math school from younger ages...but we haven't seen each other prolly in more than 2 years..when i came, i didn't even recognize him...he actually came up to me and said helllo and asked if i rmb'ed him..obviously i said NOPE haha. anyways..then from pca, met more people and continued life there. I rmb i talked with brian one night...dunno what gotten into me and what gotten into him.. haha, i just met him during gym class, and somehow i got his msn..and we somehow got along..even though we're both in different worlds..(he's in more of a peaceful home and location...since he lived in pca all his life.. but me i lived in a public system, where everything was different) we stil talk about it sometimes now..it's pretty weird how we get along still.. hahaha but that's a good thing =) right bro? hahah =D anyways... had the talk with him.. dunno, it was even a school night! we jsut kept talking and gotten to know each other...prolly around 3 till we actually got offline. pretty amazing, just kept konwing each other from time to time..over msn and gym time. we balled for a while, until i stopped participating in gym..cuz of some hand problem...that i hadda sit out most of the time...-___- but yeah.... then i rmb i met derek, which was another close friend that lasted with me still. and quite happy about the whole thing. me/bri/derek, we're aznphyR. it's for life. at least to me, it is. i don't ever want that to break, that friendship, it's good. we helped each other outta the wrost times and the saddest times. they've helped me when i'm in the saddest point of my life. and we've punked (MAJOR one) a person, and we jsut shared a lot of time together. it's great. but anyways...from this point, ever since i moved to pca and known brian.. he actualy became my "spiritual support partner" you can say... he and i help each other throughout our spiritual battles...through the rough and through the good times. we just share amongst all of our things. it's great...to have such a close brother. from there, i've grown..and till today, i've been growing more and more in God...i've learned a lot within this school...taht's why pca means much more to me than merely a school. it's a place where i've learned more than i can ever learn from any other "school." this is like a home, a second home. it's wholely different. totally magnificent. but i dunno...from then on, i've had problems within my life when i've shattered my relationship with my closest girl friend. that's been heart breaking and it's still aching from all the way back in march 2003. it's been 2 years now, actually nearing 3...as the clock hits 12:00am on dec 31st. dats like next week.... although everything's getting better.. it's not where i like it...but then it's where God wants it.. that i still have confident in...but from that problem, my relation with God actaulyl got a lot stronger and i've learned a lot from there....it's a big lesson, and it's taken me at least a year to process it all...i'm still learning from it, as i think back to it. God relaly teaches in a way that we cannot imagine or will ever want to try...but when you Do try it..it's a whole new experience. and i guarantee it..you'll like the results from it....cuz it'll be much better than you can ever imagine...but on the other hand, the problem also affected my relationship with God..cuz i've actually gotten mad at him for taking such a valuable girl from me.. and making me suffer through all these times..and even after long prayers and continious prayers..he keeps removing her.. and hten giving her back..just a lil bit, then BOOM; taking her away again...it was like as if he was playing around with me....that really hurt me. so i really gotten like..."ok god, you're you, i'm me. i'm only gonna believe in you if i get waht i want" sorta attitude.... that was some tough times.. cuz it was like half of was believing, and the other was not. it was a hard battle..but after a lotta chats with a lotta people...i've soon to realize wht's better to go for...someone that will only HAVE a CHANCE of being forever.. or someone that will ABSOLUTELY be FOREVER...i've chosen the second choice. Taht's God. he will always be with you and will be eternal for sure. the first one was her, she COULD be with me forever..but that's not certain....so yeah... it's too much to write about..the whoel process of thinkin and analyzing and blabla...i've wrote enough right now matter of fact.. if you're interested, just holla at me..and i'll tell you about it..(if i feel comfortable, on what you ask.) yep. hmm... but yeah until now, at this point of time...my relationship with god is like a "spiritual break time"..just like a "christmas break from school".. i dunno...it's kinda wrong. cuz i shouldn't be given the choice of "breaks" in my spiritual life... i should always be with him if that's my choice.. i'm trying to get back now... but it's hard to get back, cuz satan's gotten his hands on me..when i dropped my guard throughout this break..when i took my own spiritual break. keep the prayers going guys. thanks y'all.

Thanks for reading through this LONG post (yes, again. i just have a lot to say =P)

oh what irony. haha, long journey (title) and long post. OH i'm practicing foreshadowing! yes that's it. [don't ask. i'm real bored. i need SOME thing to crack me up at least.. lol. aite, take care.]

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¤¤ stan blogged at 11:47:00 PM

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Yep, love the model car really much. so decide to play around with it in photoshop :D
Anyways, christmas is coming along quick now, Merry Christmas!!! =)
take care everyone. ha i'm not even on the computer much, so if you wanna reach me...holla to me cell =)

1 Comments:

curt said...: it has to be fast AND look good ;); 6:31 PM

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¤¤ stan blogged at 2:44:00 PM

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Saturday, December 18, 2004

Heya all. how's everyone so far? i've had a great day. Was able to see lotsa smiles today from everyone, and everyone that i have given a present to.

haha, glad to be able to give it all out now, and see everyone smile.
Didn't really expect anything back, but thanks guys. Loving the scents (bri/granny/corner!) and loving the 86 der, loving 2-moles (curt XD) and yap...got a few more things. thanks all of you.

hmm.....wonderful day. wonderful all. got hugs, got love, got care, thanks to all. =)

2 Comments:

Anonymous said...: *hugs*

lol, nice 86! Funny how it took you so long to get the hood open. =P

"Merry Christmas to each and every one of us!"; 11:11 AM
curt said...: ahahahah yeahhhh go 2 moles! drop him and he even makes..uh..mole-y sounds ;) it was from sam too haha from both of us. now add 2 moles to your solution of 100 mL of water......; 6:23 PM

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¤¤ stan blogged at 1:38:00 AM

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Saturday, December 11, 2004

So Christmas is coming along now. Memories are brought back, they were wonderful from last year. It was so loving and touching and everything that i can feel on the side of happiness. It's been a long year ever since; but i remember everything like as if it was yesterday. All the love and all the joy. It was a wonderful time. It's the time of Jesus' birthday now. We should focus on Him as the main thing, and celebrate of his birth onto this Earth as our personal saviour. It should be a time of joy and happiness; as well as remembering Him. It's hard for humans to do so, as we forget the true meaning of Christmas ever so easily. It just doesn't come up to us as often as gifts and laughs. Minds our so polluted with worldly figures, that we only celebrate for the gifts, whereas we forget the true meaning of Christmas. Sure it is a time of joy, that is definitely not a doubt, but we also need to remember the true meaning and celebrate towards that.

For me, i dunno. i'm not really tight with Him or confident in him you can say. so it's pretty hard for me to really remember about him. But i know those of you who aren't upset with him and those that are good with him; here's a reminder to remember him throughout your christmas break. AND NOT JUST SPEND TIME on other things. Sure it's a time to get some rest too for those who have been working majorly...but don't forget him.

Christmas shopping's coming along now...i need to get so many people, so many gifts. i'm really gonna go poor after all of it. I jsut really wanna get you guys something special...not sure what it is. but i shall see...What do you guys really want christmas anyways? Have you guys started your 6 page christmas wanting list yet? i have. not ashamed to say it. But yeah.. mines not 6 pages, more like a sentence. Sure i want more things, but what i desire most is that sentence. But enough of me, what do you guys want? i konw what i want, now tell me what you want!
post post post!

and let there be a smile to end of this post... =)

Merry Christmas! :)

...still struggling.

2 Comments:

curt said...: OMG HOLY CRAP LOOK IT'S A GOLD TREE HOLY CRAP HOLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON MAN IT'S A GOLD TREE! DUDE THAT IS SO AWESOME..I ONLY HAVE A REGULAR GREEN ONE..AW MAN I WANT A GOLD ONE NOW...
and dude that is a HOOJ candy cane.; 10:45 PM
rahella said...: your tree may be gold, but it dont look real. mwarharharhar. hahah i gave you a lil shoutout at the end of the blog. go read it :) merry christmas staaaan; 10:43 PM

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¤¤ stan blogged at 8:02:00 PM

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Wednesday, December 08, 2004

it's a given: change.
- from one point to the other: sad to happy.
- gotta forgive and forget.
- so on: too many things.

[randomness]

1 Comments:

curt said...: yeap man we gotta start the change, we have to take the initiative! so let's hop in our cars, race around town and throw Bibles at people! ;); 11:50 PM

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¤¤ stan blogged at 7:43:00 PM

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Tuesday, December 07, 2004

First off, thanks to everyone for their support throughout my last post. it's still been a rough time trying to escape that feeling totally. i'm only able to escape it with a temporary route; through a sense of hyperness. i'm really trying to forget about the school side, and just let myself be "happy." cuz i hate to see the people who care about me seeing me sad and having to worry for me. i don't want that...but i dunno, i just wanna tell you guys the true side. i really appreciate the messages everyone, but it's just really hard to "forget" it all and go on. i'm sorta trapped in that stage you can say. it's quite sad actually.

Sometimes i just wish i wouldn't care as much, maybe then i'd be more happy about life. I'm loving life as a gift to me, but i'm just really hating the contents of it right now.. just feels like i'm failing in every way still. Maybe not friends, cuz i can see i've got many right along my side to comfort and cheer me up. That ain't any doubt. thanks guys. i've even met and seem some that i have never expected to meet. But trust me, i'm glad that i've met all of you.

Don't wanna blab on too much, dont really got much to say..all is said last post. check it if you want.

3 Comments:

dani said...: stan-LEEEEEEEEEEEee where are you today? we miss you =(!!! and we've just got this new media arts project worth 400% AIYAHHHH!!!!! *kill me* and dani's gay=)(as in brian smells and IS GAY) now that we've got that confirmed =)..its heidis turn:
yo whatsup??? lol... hailing from MEDIA ARTS =P scary gurl is not following bri today... at least not yet anyway =P trying to fix my stuff but yea... talk to you later. sorry if i worked you to death--

NEWAYS.....in response to your blogg--it sucks to see you sad. your stubborn..but then again so am i...MADE =) hahaha...but dont let your stubbornness get in the way of your greatness. think about the good things..AS IN ME =); 11:23 AM
dani said...: stan-LEEEEEEEEEEEee where are you today? we miss you =(!!! and we've just got this new media arts project worth 400% AIYAHHHH!!!!! *kill me* and dani's gay=)(as in brian smells and IS GAY) now that we've got that confirmed =)..its heidis turn:
yo whatsup??? lol... hailing from MEDIA ARTS =P scary gurl is not following bri today... at least not yet anyway =P trying to fix my stuff but yea... talk to you later. sorry if i worked you to death--

NEWAYS.....in response to your blogg--it sucks to see you sad. your stubborn..but then again so am i...MADE =) hahaha...but dont let your stubbornness get in the way of your greatness. think about the good things..AS IN ME =); 11:23 AM
curt said...: i'm learning to breathe..
i'm learning to crawl...
i'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall.
i'm living again awake and alive
i'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies.

that song [learning to breathe by switchfoot ] really applies to a lot of us nowadays...we're all learning to breathe, and learning to crawl. and it seems that a lot of people have things totally together and are walking and running, but a lot of us are still learning, and you're not alone. we'll just take it day by day, step by step, together buddy. let's hang in there, keep tight.; 6:26 PM

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¤¤ stan blogged at 9:01:00 AM

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004

everyone's life seems to be doing fine now, after a long period of pain and suffering that i've seen through. but mine, it never gotten to its happy stage again yet. i was once there, but then i screwed up and began another life of depression. after the days that i had with one special girl, well spent and all..until i screwed over, my life just went into a sudden depression. Tears and pain were my best friends. i meet them everyday, and i meet them whenever i'm alone. from those times, i was able to recover from it with the help from my ungiving up friends. when i was able to finally "come out" of that stage, i was rather "happy" for a while. it didn't last too long, i mean sure i have new and closer friends now...after spending hours and days with them. But now what? where's that special person? i still don't have her beside my side.. i mean yeh she still cares about me, but it just doesn't feel the same. it's like you lose an arm, and you obtain an artificial arm back from the doctors. Yes you now have an arm, but it's not gonna be like before. nevertheless, my friends just kept motivating me to move on with life and "let go" of her for now.. and just be there for her to the best that i can and not give up on her. I haven't and never will. I'm continuing life and all...for another period, my life was in its "happy" stage again.

That isn't reality though, i've never really been truthfully happy for a long time now. i don't even really remember HOW to be happy.. i mean i remember all the happy times that i've had in the past... but the present and future? i'm not even too sure about.

right now, i just feel like a complete failure. At this point i know many of you are going to say that "you're not stan" or "to me you're not" or whatever else. I appreciate all of you for just standing by me and supporting me through the way. But think about it.. it's just really hard to go against your own negative thinking. Like think about this: if you think that you're going to get into a car crash every time you drive, but others tell you that you won't...you'll eventually get into one because you're trying so hard NOT to get in an accident or something. It's like human nature, when you try to fight something with so much power and strength, you just get the opposite a lotta times. everything altogether is just crumbling on me, and i really can't hold the figure up. i just really feel that i'm useless and worthless.

I haven't forgotten that God loves me and that He cares for me. but it's just so hard to sustain that faith. I mean it still revolves around my heart and head and soul...but it's just hard on me...the worldly feeling, it's really consuming me. Like yeah i know he'd be the first to wrap his hands around me whenever i feel the pain or the sufferance, and even the sad times. but then...i really don't know. like i guess the worldliness is getting to me; i just don't think i'm good enough for anything. Yes God doesn't measure in what i can do or what i can perform, but rather HOW I LOVE HIM.

Then i just picture that into my life, i'm not even a good christian and i'm not even a good follower of Him. i pray when i want to or when i feel the need to, and rarely do i just pray randomly unless i have a reason to. I can't even follow some simple things that he orders me to do... i cna't even get myself to read and refresh myself with his words from the Bible daily. I can't even talk to him all the time. i can't even take the time to know him better..and i can't even take the time to get some rest. i'm destroying my body as we speak, that's a sin. i'm basically disrupting the holy temple through my body. i don't think i'm even worthy of being his son... like yeah he loves me and all, doesn't matter what rank or what position or what kind of person i am..he still loves me the way that i am cuz he created me. But see, i still can't get over the fact that like.. he loves me so much, and that i can't even change myself for him. That really bugs me. I know he won't give up on me, and i'm trying my best not to give up on him either. I really don't konw... i really think satan is using this against me.. he knows that i'm weak and he knows that i do a lotta worldly stuff becuase of how i was raised. He uses those things and tempts me to do them..and uses me to hurt God. He lures me into swearing: i just can't cope with it..i mean i've held it back for a while...and didn't cuss...but now? it's just all coming back out. this is a simple thing to get rid of.. but i can't even do it. i failed. satan lures me into bad images, and puts them into my head. i don't want them, but as myself, i'm really not strong enough to face these troubles...i dunno if i'm just denying it or whatever. but i REALLY don't feel like i can overcome it. LIke yeah god said that he will only let the temptations happen, where he knows i can overcome... but i dunno.. i'm really not feeling it..Then satan lures me into other things, things that just oppose what should be done rightfully. I just get pulled back into the wicked ways by satan. i'm just a freaking failure.

Then schoolwise? you can take it both ways, i'm a failure: literally or symbolically. either way i still fit in the category of a failure. i'm failing everything to achieve the goals that i set and i always bail out whenever i can't accomplish it. its not like i don't try.. i try over and over again..but each time i just fail it again and again--each time either worse or not even near any of the others' marks. i really don't get it, i see some people that doesn't even do anything or any of their homework.. then they like ace the test or they do extremely good, whereas i sit on my ass and work my ass off every night and before a test. Then i come up with some shit mark that some retard can get better blindfolded and everything. i really don't see why that can happen.. what kinda conclusion did i make up? "stan, you're a failure." That's one thing that's been going around my whole head and heart. Do i wanna accept that fact? no i don't.. but face it, i can't even back up my own thought....a fact is backed by support. i say that i'm not a retard, yet i can't prove it with anything that i can do. then waht about the question, "is stan a failure?"...that's one thing i truly have backups for... i've already mentioned quite a bunch of them. shall i continue?

Then friends, yeah i've gained many friends throughout these years, but see.. i really don't think i'm giving enough to them. I'm not even always around for them...i really want to be, cuz i hate to see my friends upset and all, mind the fact of seeing them hurt. i absolutely hate that.. and whenever i see friends that are upset, i just feel the sense of bitterness in my heart. it's like i'm failing them again.. i can't even do anything about it.. i just stand by the side, as a failure, and what can i do except merely watching the whole thing...aboslutely nothing, just like a failure! then you think about it more...i try my best to hold up all my friendships and be there for every one of them... but then, i can't even live up to it.. i tell people that i'll always be around for them, especially this one girl... but then what? can i back up to what i say? i mean yeah i can be around at the times when i realize the pain or i realize the problem and can think of something... i pray for them or i support them throughout the whole thing. but that's really not enough... i really don't feel that's enough. i wanna be able to do more for my family of friends. Moreover, i failed to hold up the best relationship that i can ask for. what did i actually do instead? I basically took one big hammer and broke it. i was stupid enough to lie and accuse her of things, and i was stpuid enough to not trusting her. i questioned everything and screwed everything up. i'm a complete failure for letting this happen. that's one hole that's never been filled...and i still feel the sense of stupidness. will regret it still every minute of my life.

More? obviously. what am i put on this earth for? why am i even here.. why do i exist..what's the point? what's to come? i dont see anything that i can become, i don't have any confidence in myself anymore. it's been shattered and corrupted by everything around me as of now. i keep the dream of being an engineer, but how is that possible? i cna't even do the basics of physics and chemistry right. i can't even do math right, i can't even use a computer right. how in the world am i going to pursue such a dream? everything with critical support backs up this fact. i really can't see it happening.. i'm getting a 50 in physics and a 73 in chemistry...those are the shittiest mark a person can ask for. what is an university going to think when they see a mark like that? they won't even bother thinking about me, cuz they woulnd't want someone that can't even get the high school standards,..then what makes them qualified for the university standards? especially if they're a high standard university. then the goal of becoming an animator in the future..is this honestly a joke? like i can't even draw properly and i can't even do anyhting right. i get yelled at and criticized at about my work and attitude more than i can imagine now. i'm not creative at all... i've got nothing to really emphasize my skills upon.. what does that lead me into? another encounter of failing. i just really feel like another waster of oxygen and resources on this earth. what is the point. i cna't even pick up own pace and spread the gospel for the Lord.. i'm just so chicken. can't do anything right.

i'm talking right now...and i've gotten the message of "because ur not a complete waste... u were put here for a purpose!! stan do u kno how many ppl u make smile everyday?" ...i can't really agree with this becuase i know i've caused tears to people too. i'm not sure who it is, but i'm sure i've caused it for one person...that already makes it valid to say that i should be shot. i sure wished i can put smiles onto people's faces..but i really can't always do that. as much as i want to.. i'm still failing to do so.

am i person that cares about others? or am i person that cares about myself? which one am i really... think about it for a second. i would definitely not say i'm a caring person for myself, because i know that i don't take care of myself enough. am i able to? i must say no. i dont even respect myself, i rather myself getting hurt than seeing my friends get hurt. i don't really care what happens to me if that's the way it hasta be for my friends to happy. i can't care less about myself, i jsut wants others to have a smile on their face and a bright shining light in their hearts. I put my heart into all my friends, it doesn't matter who they are anymore.. i've gotten past the stage where i "group" friends. it realyl doesn't matter.. you know me, you become my friend, and you'll already have a piece of my heart. i've only got one heart, and i try my best to share it amongst everyone. i just want all of you guys to be happy..and not ever having to shed a tear. even though i know that i'll never be able to match this goal of mine.. but i really will try my best. but see, i feel like such a failure here... i can't even take care of myself...then what makes me qualified to even take care of others? It shouldn't be like that.. but i even fail to take of myself! how the hell am i supposed to take of them... i honestly don't konw. i'm failing this aspect and hating it.

i fail to put up confidence in continuing a lotta things, and i really wanna just give up on everything. but i have a sign that says..'always pray and never give up'..i'm trying my best to hold on to everything..but it's just really hard on me. the burden is getting on me...and it's like pressuring against my chest... i can't even breathe. all i can do is sit there and cry about it. nothing else. what a failure thing to say.

people say, people yell, and people tell..they all say that i'm actually some importance in their life or some addition to the world and that i'm not a failure. but i can't face up to it.. i can't take the "title" i was given..."awesome friend" or "wonderful person" or whatever else... i just can't see it... i don't feel that i can give them anything worth putting as important. I just really feel that i'm a bother or a burden to those around me. i just really wanna end it sometimes. Just move away from the school, get away from pca, just hide from everything. Or just end this whole life of mine. i doubt anyone would really care, and even if they do, they'd forget me within time. It really doesn't matter, cuz this stan really isn't all that important honestly. you can find others that can simply replace me. there's many people around the world that's like me...

people also say that i make a difference in their lives, and that i'm able to bring some happiness or some joy into their lives....but to me, i dunno.. i mean i'm not all that funny or all that joyful myself--it's been like this for a while, ever since...--i'm not always able to do so guys. one would say that they would be feeling down, and i'd pop by to just say something that means a lot to them.. but i dunno... i mean can't others also do this? why must it be stan? it really doesn't you know? not saying that everyone should just get away from me... but really guys, i really don't feel the reasoning to the respect and love that you guys are giving me. i probably shatter more than i can give. why are you guys being so nice to me? i don't even give you guys enough...why are you giving me so much?

i honestly think i should end this life of mine with a knife. but then again, what is the point? i'd yet to prove that i'm a failure again because i can't even overcome my own problems and need to resort to death. Then if i don't die, i fail again because i can't even go through with something that i aimed for. I'm such a failure in every aspect you can think of.

guys, i'm just really sorry for being that burden that i am. i'm so glad that you guys even accepted me as the way that i am...but guys, just drop me whenever you feel like it. i would totally understand it..cuz i've burdened you guys way too much. i've brought you guys way too mcuh troubles, you guys shouldn't need such a heavy burden upon you cuz you guys have your own problems to deal with.

each and one of you, i really respect you all in the best way that i can, i lay my hands around you all the time to the highest point that my life will allow me.

Dani: we've been through some horrible times together, but we've came through to rebuilding up our relationship with everything, and it's even gotten better nowadays. i really love the times that we've shared together, even though it brought pain a while back in like grade 10 when that whole incident happened. But what's the worry about? you stand beside me now, and love me for who i am...except i do'nt think i'm giving you enough girl. i wish i can honestly give you more. i really respected and appreciated the fact that you actually came by at lunch today to just chatted with me.. although i didnt have much to say or the strength to say anything worthwhile.. you still stood by and shot wonderful words at me. those words meant more to than a simple car would provide. the satisfcation it brought allowed me to just calm down...but still, i can't fully get through it all granny. i really hope that i can...but everything is pushing towards me. i'm so glad that i have you though, without you, i would have been lost so many times in life...and i'm happy that i can "help" you whenever i can.. even though i don't anything really. you told me that i've made that difference... but i don't really think so. it's all really you and yourself and God; thats the major change and difference. with me or without me, you would be where you are now. i'm glad to see that you've grown so much within these few years that i've known you and i completely wish that you will continue to grow and be able to help those around you; more so than you can ever imagine.

Helen: korner, this is one place i must say that i definitely thank you. you've stood by me, even though we've only known ecah other for a short period of time compared to most of the other people. but you've actually changed quite a bit of my life already. you've stood by me, and you're quite cheerful most of the time... you bring up a "smile" on my face whenever i see you. with a simple "hi korner!" to a long hug...all of it is greatly appeciated. I haven't done much for you either...so i don't even know why you think i'm worthy...all i've done for you is probably only made you sad or brought you another burden in your life. it's funny how you are actualyl still able to sustain with this heavy burden on your shoulders. let go anytime ok? i really won't mind that....cuz i konw how much of a burden i can be, and all.

Sandra: ok girl, our friendship hasn't been that long either, as we only started to talk to each other in like mid-grade 10. It's good that i've met you, even though we've had our arguments from time to time. it was quite intersting of how we met, it was through nada. i got close with her, and slowly i was introduced to you...and yeah i was shy to talk to you at first, cuz well i relaly didn't konw you. and i suck at talking to nice lookin girls without being nervous. anyway, i'm glad that you haven't turned on me much, but rather stood by me a lotta times. especialy today, where you chatted with me about my whole depression thing. it means quite a bit because i actually feel that i have some people that actually care about me still. it's something very different. i duno, i've opened up to you a lot more now as than before... prolly cuz i've gotten to know you better and all. i try to be the nicest that i can to you, definitely because i love you the way you are and the friend that you are, and not for other reasons. Greatly appreciated.

Rach: thanks ps, it means quite a bit to see that you care about me too.. cuz we've established (or at least you said yourself) that you aren't "as caring" as some others...but to me, you're VERY caring. you care for me whenever i shed a tear or whenever else. our relation grew sometime last year now...it's been great ever since. although, we don't talk as much as school or phone (did we ever?) it's starting to get more and more now... so that's good. i'm able to actually open up to you.. so i'm really happy about that. it's a indescribable feeling to see that a close friend actually thinks of me as important. thanks girlie.

Bri: you know your stuff, you know i love you, and you know i respect you. Thanks for coming up for me today... it meant quite a bit, just you standing there with me and being able to talk with me just about with anything. when you said "i love you" today... that meant quite a bit.. like although i konw dani told you to say it.. i konw you still meant it. Cuz i've heard you say it before.. and i konw what you mean bro. i definitely know it. thanks for everything that yo'uve provided. i think you're the longest friend that i've had at pca....after derek, which is only a few days longer.... dunno.. you're a God given gift to me. that's for sure...i don't think i would've met you if it weren't for God..he arranged everything and allowed me to have such a close brother like you. you always stood around and always supported me. Doesn't matter what time or what time of tday.. you were always avaiable and provided the right support. thanks brother. honestly speaking, i've brought you much troubles too...and you still cared and took care of me...which is a good thing and truly respected. i'll try my best to do the same for you..but really, don't expect too much from this failure--me.

Nada: not sure if you'll actually be able to read this..but this is just what i wanna say.. thanks sister. you are one friend that i will never forget, and i will definitely not give up on. i mean, i've thought about it in the past.. but thats was just stupid. i'm not gonna fail again, i'm defintiely keeping everything that we can. you've stood by me thorugh all the hard times too and we've shared the best times that i can ask for within this life. ever since grade 9, you've changed my life. it's been such a pleasure to have you sitting or standing around me, konwing that you actually will support me. you always are able to provide the right words or the right things to say..or even the right actions so that i will be pulled away from the gloominess. I don't think there's anyone that can ever replace you, becuase you're just beyond special to me. sure we had our sad times, but let that be forgotten...i just hope that our future times will be pleasant. and know this, you are NOT stupid and you ARE NOT a failure. cuz i said so. i know you always think that yo'ure stupid or whatever..but honestly, no. if you think you're stupid, then you really gotta look at my life. You always say that "i konw you, you just say that cuz you don't want me to feel dumb"..but honestly boo, that ain't true. yo'ure fine the way you are and you are fine the way you will be in the future. don't change for anyone or anything. yo'ure smart the way you are and you're perfect the way you are. Know that please.

Curt: thanks man, we haven't known ecah other that long.. but it's been quite a good time konwing you within this year. the fun times that we have shared amongst school and at your house. Those are well-respected times and will be remembered. thanks for just standing by me when i was crying today during chapel. Thanks for just even caring for this failure. It means a lot to see that i actually have you guys supporting me.

Sam: thanks goes to you too for sticking around me during chapel today. And also for taking all my money chips at curt's house. those are times that i'll truly remember, cuz those are some "happy" times i've had. was actually able to pull a smile and be happy about it...and thanks for hte physics help that you've provided and everything else. i dunno you THAT well, but i'm willing to definitely get to know you better. thanks man, i owe you big time.

Heidi: thanks girlie, you've taught me quite a bundle upon the few times we have had our phone conversations and msn conversations. thanks a bunch... it meant a lot when you first wrote me a letter when you finsihed reading the blog entry and called me a brother of Christ. that meant quite a lot and gave me an "unwordable" feeling. thanks man. definitely owe you a lot.

For Others: thanks for everything and standing by me.

----

it's quite hard to actually be happy these days.. those who see me "happy"..am i really happy? or am i actually feeling sadness inside? i'm "happy" is what you should say... i ahven't been happy happy in a while.. i think i acutlaly forgot how to be. it's weird.... i've always been going thorugh life with some sense of sadness in me. it's hard for me to always be happy around thsoe around me..but yet i try my best to be..cuz i don't want you guys to worry about me too much. i'm way too much of a burden already, making myself or allowing myself to cry or whatever makes it even worse. Sorry guys.. just today, i really can't hold it... i really tried to, but really.. right after another one of those physics tests where i get nothing again. It just really sparks up everything, especially how i already had these thoughts surrounding my head for a few days now. That spark just let off everything...honestly, if i had a choice again, i'd choose not to cry in front of you guys man.. sorry guys.. i really am.

anyways, enough of blogging.. my eyes sitll hurt from the tears earlier.. i'm just gonna end this now.. God bless all of you.

I'll keep praying for all of you.

-stan.

[posted at 5:03pm, ended at 7:02pm]

7 Comments:

Anonymous said...: 1 Cor. 1:26-29 (SV -Stan's Version)
For consider your calling, stan: you are not wise according to worldly standards, you are not powerful, nor of noble birth. But God chose a foolish person like you to shame the wise; God chose a weak person like you to shame the strong; God chose a low and despised person, even a person who is a failure, to bring to nothing things that the world calls successful, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.

bro, stop listening to satan and start listening to God. if u have nothing to boast about, then ur the perfect person for God to use. and that's exactly why He's been using u even though u don't realize it. so don't let satan discourage u man. he just wants u to stop being useful to God. peace out.; 7:31 PM
curt said...: there are always going to be times when we're down, but we're here to help you back up man =)

soul-etches.blogspot.com

read over the post there.; 11:14 PM
rahella said...: holy mo, stan. you have the most ginormous blog i've seen in a while! aaahhhh, it took me forever to read it, but i read everything. but hey, here's my feedback. you know we're human, or you could be an alien if you really want to, but as humans, we all go through problems. we have our highs, n then suddenly we drop like we fell off a cliff or something. n then we have highs again n the lows. and it makes me wonder why, everytime we're down in dumps we're so surprised that something like that happened. Like, we should be used to it by now shouldnt we? well, as i said that everyone goes through their own problems, there isn't one where God would just abandon us and leave us to find our way. if we cant change the way things are, we gotta change the way we look at things. optimism is great for living, make the best out of everything. you feel useless, but you may not know how much you mean to one person. just you being there could mean so much, like you dont necessarily hafta do big things. cuz like mother teresa said, "you cant to big things, you can only do small things with a big heart." and i know im putting all these cliches, but theyre so true. like if it werent for rain, sunshine wouldnt be so special. and if God allows lil problems that just happen to ruin your day, you know He'll guide you. and i know it could sound like total bs when you hear it all the time, but probably the reason why God puts obstacles in your life is because he wants you to seek him. the hard times you go through is when you need Him the most. so, thats what i think. and thats the end. im so tired from staring at the computer. loves; 7:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey ... I was just browsing through some blogs and well, yours was the first that actually stook out at me. Just trying to count the number of times that you call yourself a failure is tiresome. You're never going to be able to have a happy life again until you are content with who you are and have more self-confidence in yourself. Listen to your friends because they're right. Life CAN be great again and you CAN meet someone else who will complete you. Just never give up. You only have one life; you don't want to live it being depressed or constantly asking "what if?" Make the most of every day that you have! Best of luck, and Merry Christmas!; 7:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Stanley: It's been a while since we talked. I hate to see you like this. I so wish that we remained as close of friends as we were before. And I wish that i could have been there when all of this started. You are that wonderful person that people speak of. I have known you long enough to witness that. Sometimes, life just doesn't work out the way you planned. But that's ok, it doesn't mean you are a failure. Never feel that you present a burden to your friends. We are all here to support you and help you to get past some of the most difficult times in life you will ever face. Remember that you mean as much to us as we mean to you.
Thank you for being the wonderful person you are. I've had friends that have come and gone, but I know you are the forever kind of friend. Sometimes I wish that you never had to leave langstaff, but then I see how well you have adjusted to your school and the amazing support system your friends provide, and I am reassured that this is the place for you. If you are happy, then i am happy.
Please let go of the things that are making you sad inside. Whatever it is, it's not worth it. You will feel better, i promise.
-judy; 2:10 AM
Anonymous said...: The honour and respect I have for you just seems to increase day by day. After reading this blog, it just skyrocketed past farther than I could see myself.

Stan, you truly are a great man. I mean this in the most serious manner as possible. Your insight is beyond what the world expects of our age. Then again, what is the world to us anyways? As Christians, we're supposedly seperate from the world, to follow Christ only. Of course for us, living it out, it isn't that easy isn't it? Heh.

As probably everyone would say, "you're not the only one going through pain". However, you are unique like everyone else is. No mortal can fathom what you feel. It is plain and simple as that. I'll put the Christian sayings aside; you know what they are anyways. You may not know me well, but I find it quite haunting how much your philosophy of life is like my own.

You make three major points in which I respect you so very much. 1) You admit your lacking of a Christian walk with God...yet you still try. 2) You actually see that death is just an easy way out, and that fighting against the world and against Satan is when real character is shown. 3) You know the world around you, how it is affecting you; you know your weaknesses and although you may fear being hit(aren't we all?), you still are willing to move forward although your weakpoints may show.

I feel like I'm the one you're referring to as the slacker who still gets good grades. Hmm... actually, I'm not getting good grades (I'm serious, not trying to be modest here), but Stan... of all people, there is something wrong with the school, not you. I've seen your notes (which is why I'm not failing), and I know your organizational skills. Well, my excuse for Chemistry is that World Religion just tires me out and I always write my tests half asleep. >.>

My point is. You are not a failure. Look around you. Look at me. Although this may sounds vain, but I am not a failure, and if I am not, you certainly are not.

If you need a reason to live, may I suggestion my reason for living? Fight back at the world for what it has taken from you. Defend those that you love so that they may understand your pain, but will not have to suffer the same way you do.

-anonymous...; 12:14 AM
Anonymous said...: oh my god. are u fucking gay?; 5:56 AM

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