Monday, October 31, 2005
i look up and i see you.
Lord's been great in healing us,
but there's still a part of despair,
between us..but it's manageable.
hard as hell, but it's worth it for you.
i look up and i saw the S,
one that remained with me
ever since last christmas.
it's nice and i appreciate it a lot,
it shows your friendship to me.
i look up and i see my brothers,
my sisters, my friends, my supporters.
each returning with a smile,
yet i can only give them a ranting.
it's interesting to see how each
of you have helped me through.
i look up and i see God,
His presence between this whole case.
but yet i still doubt here and there,
trying to take it on with my own hands.
No stan. no...just let it go.
God's in hand now, you are not.
take it all easy for yourself,
look up.
i look up at Him,
and i can imagine the day that
me and her are healed together.
100% and for the even better,
i long for the day that i can
again yell out your name,
the day when i can hug you again,
the day when i can talk to you smoothly,
the day that all will be back to normal
between the both of us.
i look up to You, Lord.
Let it all fall into your hands,
i fall back, let me fall back.
i look up to you.
let me look up to you God.
--stan.
-----------------
Friday, October 28, 2005
i love you God.wow.
that's one word i must say,
cuz my prayers been answered.
in a most unexpected way.
but it was so good,
that it's healed me up.
initially, i thought i would have
go up to the person and try to reconcile.
but i didnt, all i had to do,
was rely on God.
He provided the rest of the way,
He healed us up and before we know it,
we roamed around together.
just her and i.
was most unexpected...
since i expected at least another with us,
but it wasn't...it was just us.
God provided SO much for me,
He provided physical support,
He provided emotional support,
He provided mental support,
He provided strength,
He provided faith.
He showed me today,
He revealed Himself and His ultimate goodness;
where none can compare with.
Thank You, Lord.
i must say, i love You.
let me remember today's date, oct 28th 2005.
i'm sure God will provide for the rest of the way,
but a feeling occured to me during the ride home,
and the way back to my friend's house..
will this continue to be good throughout?
or will this be another UP and have another down?
but take it all Lord,
take it all.
don't let me worry,
because through You, there should be no worry.
Thank You LORD.
Thank you brothers.
Thank you sisters.
Thank you friends.
i love you all.
truly,
stan.
-----------------
Thursday, October 27, 2005
guys...i appreciate all the support from everyone.
it means so much to me at a point like this.
guys.. i'm sorry to disappoint you,
but i fell short once again.
i stood up tall and withstood the stuff thrown at me,
for a day.
for a day, i stood up tall and lived an easy life.
but today, i fell short... i really fell down.
i looked into her eyes, and i'm really shook up.
i'm not even sure if it's my own assumptions that's hurting me,
or is the truth hurting me
or what is going to happen.
i'm quivering.
in homeroom, i heard the statement,
"we're called to go up to the person
to talk about the faults...and not those
around." this really hit me...
but i'm unable to do that.
she just doesnt want to talk.
so i cannot do so.
i have to wait it out.
------------------
by honest words,
i really miss you.
i miss the times that we shared,
i miss the times we laughed together,
i miss you as a whole.
you're an important part of my heart and life,
你和我永远是朋友.
------------------
brothers:
---
and by all honesty,
thank you so much brothers: brian and derek.
you guys never doubted me,
we had our troubles together..
but we stood up tall together.
we took it on,
each wave.
each tide.
each current.
we bonded and took on the attacks together.
i love you guys more than anyone.
if there was one word that i'd like to remember,
it's aznphyR.
i love you all.
i honestly do.
---------
1 Comments:
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said...
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Hello,
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-----------------
Saturday, October 22, 2005
你和我永远是朋友towards you...towards you.
couple of words towards you,
no matter what kind of pain,
no matter what kind of doubt,
no matter what kind of downfall,
i will care for you.
over the weeks, i've endured enough.
but for you, it's worth that trouble.
i've seen you fall, i've seen you struggle,
now i want to come back to you to help.
please let me to do so.
and most of all, me and you are 永远的朋友.
never once doubt that.
i will be that true friend to you, if you let me be.
i will be make all the efforts to be with you.
that's one promise i've given to you, and her and her.
you know for you three, i've commited the promise to.
你和我永远是朋友.
2 Comments:
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said...
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go stan
-
said...
-
Hello,
I was just web surfing and found your blog about towards you.... I will definitely bookmark your blog and pass it on to my friends. If you have time, please go to my free personals content based web site. It is nothing special but you and your subscribers may still find something of value there.
Best regards,
Wayne
-----------------
Friday, October 21, 2005
lets see..yes the day of not knowing what to expect was over.
but still i will continue to not know what to expect over the days of my life.
that's a given.
it's interesting to see couple of things,
even in my tired day at school yesterday,
30 minutes of sleep, and 2 hours of sleep on the day before that.
altogether, 2hrs 30mins of sleep for 2 days.
went to school, and was introduced to her.
nothing really went on, just same old.
then at homeroom, she sat nearby me,
and all i can do is think about her.
but then i realized another in the need of someone,
i care for that person too,
and yet i try to help her.
at the same time, she tried to help her too.
it's interesting to see that we both thought
about the same very way to help.
not much, but did what we could for that period of time.
after it was done,
she turned around and plopped the papers onto my desk.
and all i could say was...wtf.
i sucked it in because i'm sort of used to it,
it didnt hurt that much anymore...
becuase i've seen worse already.
then the day went on,
barely 40 minutes have passed by,
and i notice myself giving the effort to talk to her.
shocking to another person that knows about the situation,
it is shocking to myself as well.
i can picture my friend being in the wtf (yet happy for me) mood
since she did not know that her and i talked again,
but it was weird actually, but it brought lightness to my heart.
i can see that we talk again,
sure not in the same way that we used to be in.
but for now, it's a start.
i tried to help her the very same ways i used to,
and she accepted that help.
i'm not sure if it's just me or not,
but it seems like there's a sense of closeness building up again,
and there seems to be a nod or headsup when i walk by the halls now.
maybe things finally cooled down between her and i?
i'm really not sure actually,
but one thing for sure is, god knows more than i.
let him take it all,
and that should all be fine.
sure i wish to be close to her,
but if god says no, then let that be a no.
if he says its a yes, then let that be the best.
----
it's getting late, i'm going to get some shut eye.
didnt even do much studying or anything actually..
came home, and slept. was too tired to go on.
planned to sleep for an hour or two,
but ended up sleeping till 3:19am from 4:20pm.
then began to study, did a lil bit...
but its time for some sleep..because my body,
is still not ready 100%.
good luck guys (for all those who's taking calculus quiz first thing like me)
and for those in eng quiz.
and sadly, me for computer quiz as well.. -_-
1 Comments:
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heids said...
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hey
thanks for asking
sorry i didn't really feel like sharing.. i just didn't want to talk about it constantly you know? but thanks..knowing that people care is encouragement enough.
take care
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
(an extension to my previous post)a day to not know how to expect.
tomorrow is a day of "dont know what to expect"
i have been away from you for some time,
and it's sort of "relaxing",
but trust me..it's only because i don't have to face you,
i still miss you deeply.
and tomoro, is the first day that i will see you..again.
what do i expect?
i dont know.
but i know tomorrow will be a day of shakiness.
God, work in me.
-stan.
****
one burden down, but now ...
+-previous post
-----------------------------
Monday, October 17, 2005
the feeling of distress.
- i have 2 days to finish my accounting class, i'm behind. (today and tomoro)
- i have stuff in my head
- i have schoolwork to cover
- i'm sick
ack.
-----------------------------
response:
there's one burden down from my back now,
the course of accounting, it's over.
well over until the exam comes up,
it's coming in november,
so it's not that much of a deal.
So that's outta there.
but then there's still schoolwork, it just keeps coming.
i already missed two days, and that will be a bundle to catch up with.
then at the same time,
i still have other stuff in my head,
i've seen support from others,
but i dunno... i just want it solved.
i'm lucky that i am even able to get through my acct-ing course,
with that all in mind.
but thanks to all those who gave a shoulder for me to cry upon,
thanks for those who gave an effort to help,
thanks for those who gave a word,
but it all comes down....to, thanks Lord.
i just still have one question to ask,
may i?
too much to think about,
i really have too much,
i need to stop thinking,
and i need to catch up.
bring me up lord...
bring it on life.
bring it on.
just bring it on.
--stan
-----------------
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
its interesting to see.it's interesting to see that i have some support on my side,
during the process of hardship that i am going through.
but i don't know....it still hurts me when i think about the words,
that was spoken to me,
i never once expected words like such from an individual.
never once, and never once did i even imagine.
it's hard to suck in the words,
i don't even know what i did wrong,
but it seems like i'm controlling?
i dont think i do, and i don't intend to,
all i merely did was try my best to help.
it was appreciated, and i can tell because of the words you spoke,
but then, you also spoke of words that directed itself right to my heart,
piericing it right through. i can't let that one go..
it hurts too deeply, everytime i see you,
everytime i think about you,
it just hurts once again.
will we ever be close again?
i can only imagine.
for now it hurts.
God, take it up to you,
i don't konw what to do.
i still worry,
calm my heart and let the burden relax itself.
take it all Lord.
i really miss you.
2 Comments:
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curt said...
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i don't know exactly what's going on, and i'm not expecting you to tell me everything because...that's up to you and all that if you want to trust me and stuff.
but! don't let this world get you down alright man? people in this life will fail you, they'll hurt you and let you down, but God won't.
it's encouraging to see that you're giving it all to Him =) and yeah, when we don't know what to do, He does. He has everything planned out, from the moment you were born to the second you die, He knows it all and He's up there taking care of it.
i'm praying for you alright man? get better soon and take care. -
heids said...
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i'm sorry if it seems like i'm not helping.. i really don't want to mess things up. but i do hope things go better.
take care
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Monday, October 17, 2005
the feeling of distress.- i have 2 days to finish my accounting class, i'm behind. (today and tomoro)
- i have stuff in my head
- i have schoolwork to cover
- i'm sick
ack.
-----------------
Saturday, October 15, 2005
yep. you know it, God's good.God provides man.
He provides.
In the roughness,
He just somehow gives goodness.
It's such an awesome thing to experience,
cuz it's such a difference.
sure i don't have the interaction with one,
but he provided me with a ton.
it's times like these that i feel him,
and get out of the dim.
He's so great man,
i just hope that everyone will know him with me stan.
thanks nic.
thanks nada.
thanks ramy.
thanks kawai.
and most of all, thanks bro. i love you.
pray with me all,
and let me stand up again, straight up tall.
sure i'll fall,
but that doesn't matter cuz i know God will provide for all.
take it easy.
-stan.
2 Comments:
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said...
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said...
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amen to that.
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Thursday, October 13, 2005
you want it.. take it.you want it? take it.
that's all i have to fucking say.
take your fucking life,
i tried my best to actually help you,
you came to me for help;
and i thought we shared that bond.
you think it feels nice in my fucking shoes?
no it doesn't.
do you know how much pain i've went through for you?
fuck. do you not think i have feelings too?
i was fuckin upset about you for the longest time,
but did i say it to your face?
no i didn't, i sucked it in and took it.
so why the hell do you haveta fuck with me?
i ain't trying to control your fucking thing,
but whatever, do whatever you want.
-----------------
i surrender.
God take me please,
it's a situation like this where i feel really weak.
i dont know what to look for,
i have tried to get somewhere,
but it does not seem to be working.
take it away from me Lord,
take that burden...
fill me with You,
and guide me through.
please.
i fall onto my knees Lord.
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005
ok lets stay strong.lets stay strong stan.
life was never intended to be easy,
that's how you develop character.
you say you want to love,
but love also brings pain.
love is pain and pain is love.
you love, then you suffer for them.
let it be...suffer with joy.
joy in the Lord, becuase he too suffers from us.
yet he continues to love.
you have stabs and wounds in your heart?
imagine God's heart, it must be a thousand times worse.
yet he continues to love us, in the same way, love her.
is it her responsibility to know whats wrong?
she's merely human stan, face it, you have to communicate.
you can't expect so much,
cuz even yourself, you can't do so much either.
sure you can do better than some,
but there are some that is much worthier than you are.
pray stan, pray.
that's what you gotta do.
talk to God.
rely on God.
faith in God.
let it all be God.
sincerely,
the mind of stan.
-----------------
Monday, October 10, 2005
friken.did you know it's hard to be with you?
but it's weird that i still go through with it.
a connection is a hard journey,
and i can be safe to say that..
many others who take this very same path as me,
would have given up.
why haven't i?
i don't know,
but it goes on the lines of..
because i love you for who you are.
you can imagine the rest,
pokes and stabs right into the heart,
any fun? any sort of amusement? none.
why can't things be the way i want it to be.
i hate this feeling;
but do you even know about it?
frankly, i don't think you do...
and actually think everything is alright.
but face reality,
it's not.
i'm living a hard life right now,
and you're one burden i'm to take.
effort and strength, give me please Lord.
prayers always, now and forever.
-------
to hihi:
you're welcome man. anytime, i'm here. =)
That's how God works...he chooses the best ways,
out of the smallest things.
glad to be your small thing =)
-----------------
Sunday, October 09, 2005
how i wish.how i wish i can just say,
choose.
just choose.
but i can't, so i havta deal with it.
you're the one i care about,
yet there's a person that i don't.
wtf.
2 Comments:
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heids said...
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thanks for the talk.
i need it.
small things count so much to me. they show me God.
and you were a small thing =)
thanks friend -
said...
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You two stay strong. No pressure, but a lot of ppl look up to ya guys.
I'll just do my thing in the background as usual. =D
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Saturday, October 08, 2005
gosh. can you.gosh, can you please stop.
like honestly, just stop.
by all means, stop hurting me.
i've had quite enough of wounds in me already,
each time you puncture it even more,
but the weird thing is, i don't think you even notice.
don't even know if you care,
but i sure hope you do.
my hearts filled with wounds,
i rest here, in sadness.
i try to look at it differently,
but you...you're just making it a whole lot worse.
whatever the hell happened with you,
i absolutely don't like it.
just i wish i can shout it to your face,
of whats going on...
but see, i know you too well,
you wont like to hear it,
you'll hurt by hearing it..even though its your own fault,
so i'm choosing to suck it in myself,
but meanwhile, i hurt like a crazy ******.
-----------------
Thursday, October 06, 2005
simple words...but a deeper meaning within.these are the simple words to describe my day today;
what a day of hell..yet sparked up with a touch of goodness.
a day of testing, that i feel.
a test that i don't know if i truly passed or not,
but to God, he will know for the better,
because he is the one that marks.
- shafted in the morning already (twice)
- was talked with today in the morning, for a few seconds
- the person left without notice
- a closer talk with my developing pal
- a weird spare; can't really focus on much
- lunchtime; ate lunch alone on the side (even with people around me)
- went outside with arthur and had a nice talk
- felt like shit throughout
- OS was fun and games; since it's always fun with cracknell
- accounting class: what a struggle and heartpounding experience (all i can remember is that i was told the tests were not well done at all...only a few actually succeeded in a "better" mark. i was scared shitless about my mark, cuz i wasn't confident about the test to begin with. ended up with a mark that i hated, that i thought owuld have affected me to the maximal..scared shitless, and i just completely lost my sense of control. i need accounting, i need it high up. can't let it drop down... but that mark i thoguht would have counted a lot...but thankfully, my other marks supported me. remained in the range that i want...but i still want a 100.)
- school ended off with a simple, yet made confusing data management class
- off to the outside i go...after seeing some of my friends
- i waited outside and had no one...just wanted to hug someone...totally out of it.
- a person showed up, and it just sparked me up.. i wanted to hug her. but i didn't. foolish i am, but how i regret it now. i miss her so much actually...cuz it's been a while that we've last talked...or seem so. it's interesting to see....spent 30mins with her and a few others showed up afterwards. i dunno, couldn't keep my eyes off of her actually...wanted to hug her deeply.
it's really interesting how things work out in the end..
when you just rely on God through it all.
but right now, is the battle all over again...
i must correct myself, and get myself back up in the place that i want to be.
problems are out of the way sorta..
but now lets get up and pull myself together.
on top of that, thanks for those who bothered to read my previous posts.
thanks jk for your message, it's good to hear from you...but i must say, i'm not someone to look up to .. i'm not as strong as you may really think i am. you may think i'm "popular" or "determined" or what not...but i'm really not. it's good to hear that...but yeah....
1 Comments:
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said...
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darn those automated ads. but that aside... cmon stan, you ARE someone to be looked up to. this may sound kinda selfish, but i also have people that say they look up to me, and although i don't think i'm worthy, being worthy isn't what it's all about.
I don't look up to people because they're popular or determined. Well, if determined = they don't give up on life, then I guess I do look up to those people. But the thing is, although I can't relate to you (cause you've been through a lot of stuff I haven't), I still can see the way you see life cause I share that similar point of view.
Over the past months or whatever and however long I've been reading your blog.. it really moves me and I really wish there was something more I can do to... to do anything. Remind me to hunt you down after school and bother you before I walk home. =P
And as we learned in Ch. 18... "Life is meant to be shared." Use your imagination to figure out what I mean by that.
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Wednesday, October 05, 2005
interesting point.interesting point to see,
but we're better now...
as in both of them to me.
one talked to me about some stuff,
that i'm dealin with and helping me out.
the other talks to me again,
but it's kinda strange...still...
cuz i haven't gotten a call that person.
i'm used to talkin a lot,
but it's changed....sigh.
weirdness.
-----------------
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
am i just thinking too much?am i just thinking way too much about you?
it just seems that whenever you want me,
you come looking for me with non-stop phone calls,
to non-stop messages,
but then when things are solved;
you don't seem to interact with me as much.
i remember the late hours of talking,
i remember the late staying up together,
i remember the things i had to say and hear,
but it seems like it's far back now.
i don't know about you, but i feel far from you.
but i just want to reach out and hug you.
then whenever i declare you're away from me,
you come searching for me,
to talk, to laugh, to whatever else together.
i don't get this myself at all..
and wish to know of an answer.
my mind is restless about this part of my life.
--
and you, you're fine with me now.
i love you for who you are,
even with past experiences that none of us liked,
it's all over now and we're fine.
and then there's you, which we are also fine.
haven't seen you to seeing you again,
it's a good experience;
lets continue to grow.
---
then there's also you,
why do we seem too apart too, yet we're not?
you and i, we close for life;
we haven't gotten into much troubles together,
but recently, it seems that there is a missing factor,
i dun know what that is; but it sure bugs me.
there there's another you,
we fine; we flow; it's all go.
---
is my mind just that troubled?
cuz i feel so restless.
i have just taken a nap,
out of the busy days...where i finally was able to sleep,
but i wake up again,
and here i am facing all this again.
someone help me lower these problems,
and face up.
-----------------
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