-- SLK32 --

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

staying strong...

stay strong. stay strong.
that's what so many people tell me to do,
but how do you come to this point?
i reflect the things going in my life right now,
and i just simply say i want to cry.
cry to the point that i will have nothing left
to soak my eyes from its socket.
staying strong...what a struggle to do so.
i'm trying so many ways to take my mind off of "it"
but it's all taking over me.
i look around and i walk around,
it just seems that you're everywhere i go.
so many things to make me feel bad.
it's hard to hold it up.
it's been a hurtful period over this time,
i still do not understand fully of what the meaning is,
but i have been rejected to the least.
at that point, my heart fell.
it fell deep on to the ground,
sounding off a deep thud sound.
i look down at the ground at my heart,
and want to pick it up, but i'm so weak to pick it up.
i look around and i see every person i know,
getting something...but me, i remain to have nothing.
nothing...not even you for a single second.
what just so happened....i still do not understand.
one second you're with me, another you're not...
what more is going on?
i'm falling, but i get back up each time...
each strike, each pierce...fall after fall;
i manage to pull myself back up.
but it's getting to the point,
that i..myself, can't even have the effort to stand.
i feel so miserable, so wasted, so exhausted, so used.
am i just a tool for you may i dare to question?
what so happened.

christmas times, it's supposed to be fun right?
a time of happiness, where you can bond with friends
and share a lil bit of your appreciation for them.
but it's so different this year for me,
it's directly the opposite....
i have not had fun for the longest period of time,
it's been a struggle to keep myself happy.
and honestly, it's been a blessing that God has provided
me with the very others to support me through.
but it's really hard...real hard, when i was rejected.
rejected of my appreciation for you.

i figure there should be something of learned...
but it's a hard lesson, God.
am i able to sustain this any longer?
cuz i feel so shaken up, that i kind of want to hide.
hide away from reality, and blend myself into my dreamland.
where everything works out altogether,
but that is impossible.

my minds been so boggled with terror and hurtful times,
that i'm starting to hallucinate and overthink.
i'm into the stage of where the things that i think,
seems to be true. the things, the thoughts that go through
my head about everything right now...it's scaring me.
i'm lost of where the trueness is...
i actually thought to myself, and asked...did that really happen?
my thoughts... i can't remember if they actaully happened or not anymore.
all i can remember were good times...the sad times, i think my brain
has gradually skipped and passed it out...
but i know the truth still remains.
which makes me hurt even more.
i'm so lost.

it's interesting to see,
even though i was so tensed up within,
where my heart lies...into the tightness,
where i can barely breathe...
i somehow managed to still open up another
side of me..and be willing to help another person.
is there something...ultimately wrong with me?
or is this a gift i have been given....

why am i so caring?
maybe i should stop caring,
and turn myself into someone thats shallow.
maybe then... i will not get hurt again.
is that what people like?
because they seem to love hurting someone that cares so much,
maybe it's time that i fight back with something they have never seen before...
something they never thought would be present from stan.
a new figure, one that is shallow and not caring..and challenging.
one that is rock solid, with a stone heart.
is that what you want?
tell me so.
maybe then, i can transition myself,
into a person that will corrupt your life.

and to share with you all,
i was cutting a fruit yesterday night...
i looked at the thin, sharp knife;
how simple was it...to thrust it right into
the center of me? ending it all.
something stopped me, i'm not sure what it is...
but believe me, it was going to be easy.
i'm not scared of death,
i think what stopped me was my caring side.
i want to stand strong and help you all...
especially those who do not have anyone,
or feel they have no one...simliar to me.

you.
you.
you.
just so much you's in the world,
i think i really care too much.
i'm starting to lose my head,
i need a time of rest.
away from this school,
away from everything.

merry christmas all,
remember the true meaning of it...it's God's birthday.
celebrate with Him, and not just be blinded with gifts and all.
i think that's what i'm learning in this process,
it's all about Him.
celebrate with Him.
i really hope you guys will enjoy your period together,
for me, i think it already has been ruined.
becuase i've been so hurt over it....but God,
help me out...help me regain your trueness and power.
let me rejoice with you Lord.
let me.
please let me.

i ask of you earnestly.

----
*for those who read this long post, thankyou.
*for those who didnt bother, whatever.

1 Comments:

Anonymous said...: Stan...it's okay. {BIGhug} you CAN cry. i'm soooo sorry i haven't had the chance to talk to you...been sorta busy and all. but tomorrow i'm free....if you need to talk and cry, i'm here to just listen and cry with you. we aren't robots and it's impossible for us to always be happy.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: ...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,a time for war and a time for peace.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1,4,6-8

i'll let God speak to you instead of me trying to give sound advice. just remember that no matter what happens Stan, He's there for you in any time in any state. always praying for you!!

in Him,
fellow sister in Christ; 10:36 PM