-- SLK32 --

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

pain and confusion.

with an unlimited amount of pain that i feel,
i too feel the comfort to know that,
i still have two very caring brothers to stand by me.
from a simple and fun trip to a bubble tea place,
with my beloved sister that ventured to shanghai,
revolutionized into a place with sourness.
a sourness so sudden in the special eyes of my dear brother.
a sour feeling that forced me to say something in chinese,
to prevent my sister to hear because she cannot understand cantonese.
a thing that i hated to do,
because i know how much she hates people who neglect her,
from their conversations by using chinese that she did not comprehend.
but i needed the push, i needed the time, the time with my brother only.
a feeling that struck me so hard in the heart that i felt stuffed,
that i felt worthless, that i felt all the awful pain had to explode.
kept it in, kept it to myself.
brother asked, but was denied to give a response.
was able to hold it, but when got home..i fell.
fell to the floor with the intention to call another brother,
another brother that i knew would care,
that i thought would understand better,
and for the reason i thoguht that my first brother would not care.
but in reality, both cared more than ever.
a conversation lasted between the aznphyR crew,
one that i loved, one that i was finally able to blurt out stuff,
stuff about my situation, stuff about my position in life.
not all of it, only jitz of it, but more to come,
more to be revealed, more to be covered.
sitting here alone, thinkin back...
with some things blurted out into the air,
to lessen my stuffed suitcase in my heart,
but still..it bothers me to think about them,
and reflect them as a part of my lifestyle.
how i hate it still, and do not really know how to accept it.
but i must, and i will...just the timeload it will need.
-----------
current status:
brother #1: good. covers out romans 12:10.
brother #2: good. covers out romans 12:10 as well.
sister #1: good. but i wish some things were cleared soon. love her a lot.
sister #2: fine. want to hug her close to me, becuase i miss her lots.
sister #3: soso. could be better, but can't care less really.

for those who read this post or is going to read this post, thanks for sepdnig your time on this post. it may seem pointless, but to me, it's a post to remember.

God, may i ask you to support me with this lifestlye i live upon.
and i wish the thing i have in mind about sister #1 is not true,
becuase i hate of such an existence. i wish things would not be of
true, and that she is an individual. keep it that way please, i do not want anything with that relation to be present. and i pray that with #3 that it may be resolved with no hardships...and that i can forget and go on. for #2, it's fine for us right now..and thank you mhch for it. because she too cares for me deeply and does most of the things to settle thing with me, especially after our fights in the past. for my 2 dear brothers, i thank you so much for them..for allowing such a bonding time (even in hte late hours of today), as we have rarely done this kind of stuff for a long time...and it's hard for us 3 to get together out of the blue like such. i appeciate each of their efforts in helping me and supporting me....thank you so much Lord. i wish that things will continue to be well..and that i can live well. things that i hope to gain, hope to achieve, hope to become... i pray you give me such support...and just prepare and train me.

God: bless this life to the end. carry me and let me have your hand with me always.

sincerely with the most honest heart,
-- stan.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

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