-- SLK32 --

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

return trip.

it's been a wonderful time together with the summer time now. been able to spend a whole lot of time with friends...always out to like 12 at night; just going crazy most of the time. shared an amazing time with each and every one of them; each in a different way. it's been one crazy summer so far...did lotsa things that i've never expected: getting a call all the way from hk from luka // getting calls from nicole/nada/luka at the very same day...each in a sequential order // test driving a few cars just for fun with derek // running out at night time with the car, vroom vroom // running around in the hardcore thunderstorm for 2 hours! // waking up at like 1pm each day! =D // realizing the ways without God // surprise barbeques // finally able to touch my tv again! // and just so on.

but then we come to a point of reflection. what's the life that i'm living on right now? is it a life with God or without God? i live it with my own set of morals right now...even though i still remember some of God's ways. i dont always do them...but yet i still talk to Him. then i look upon my brothers and sisters...i reflect on it. why am i failing to be there to help them? didn't i always say that i'll be around to help them? why am i not living up to my own words now...i need to get back up and be up there..so i can look after each of my siblings. God commanded his people to stick around our bros and sis to help them..and lift them up when they fall on the ground. then i also look at my own life...what am i doing? swearing, cussing, and all the stuff that may hurt God's heart. i hate being hurt myself...then why am i being so selfish in hurting him as well? i shouldn't. i need to get myself together. first things first, i must get myself together before i can go out to help others...or i'd probably be a hypocrite. shouldn't let that happen. God, i ask that you let me step into your zone again...and open up my eyes..and not let me be blinded by this stupidness that i go through. seeing my brothers and sisters all in their danger zones and depression zones....it hurts me. bring me up there again please. i want to be able to come and help them..and bring them back into your family. bring me back.

seeing you kawai, you've been in the crappiest zone from what i've noticed. you never really experienced God fully..and you seem to be always blinded. you feel burdened and i've seen your tears coming down at the retreat. i know you are true, and you do want to feel Him. i know you will make it through with Him. you just have to keep it together. there's no doubt about that. sure it may sound stupid..but bud, it's all up to this journey to make you to the strongest soldier of God. you say you looked up to me in the past because of my strength and endurance with God...but hey, did you think that all came outta the blue? no it didn't. i needed people like you and people like my other brothers/sisters to help me through. i too needed the support from god and the hard and difficult times. i too endured through rough times with tears in my eyes. i know exactly what you mean...but through it all...you just gotta open up your eyes even more and look through those tears. tears are not opaque..they're still somewhat see through...it may be a little blurry. but with the effort, it too can be look-through-able. think of swimming: at first, you go in and open your eyes...you dont see anything, because you're just not used to it..and the chlorine will prolly burn you to death and making you want to close those eyes. but when you're ready for it, and you're well trained through harsh times...(things like maybe a drowning, or a sudden fall into a lake or what not) then you may be forced to open up your eyes and everything is clear. this is like your life. you need the rough times that may crush you to the point of having no more air to breathe...but that's all in the plan to build you. i want to see you high up there man. i sincerely do. but with that in mind, i know for a fact that you will endure hardness. enduring and mastering each time is the way in God's journey for you...you came from a non-christian family man, it's of course gonna be harder on you. cuz you have to learn in different ways than other people that may come in christian families. you just have to take different routes that lead to God, that he initially set up for you. there's no doubt in you, that you can make it through all this. you're one reason that inspired me again to reach back to God. you're a reason that i still see hope in God. you're the reason that you will make it through it all. you're the reason that God created you: he has the plans for you. stay strong bud. LIC.

seeing brian my brother, he too is kind of alone right now...all on himself. he told me straight up. he doesn't choose to let his church sermons hit him, he doesn't let all that godly stuff to reach him. he closed his doors for a while..very similar to me. i know what he's going through...and man do i not want to see him lose his grip on god. he's been the inspiration and motivation for a big portion of my spiritual journey. i don't want to see my brother that taught me so much and endured so much with me..then all of a sudden, drop out and it's over. brother, you've covered me in the roughest times and shittiest time. i too will be there for you, and you know that for a fact; cuz both of us alreayd experienced this together. your downfall is sparking me up again. i want you to be with God, because honestly...you need him. he's taken care of you for the longest time..and i don't trust you living your life by yourself. i want God to live your life for you. i dunno if it was me that blew out your candle...for telling you that i set away from god. i dunno how much of an impact that caught on you.. but i'm sure it caught on to you quite a lot. from what you spoke to me and reasoning you gave to me... i konw you care for me. in the same way brother, i care back for you. i will go back to God and pray for you. i will go back all the way and build it strong with him. it takes a person to build themselves strong before i can help someone else to become strong. com'on bro, you and me again on this battle aite? you and me...just like old times...fighting thorugh the harsh battles. remeber the times like cs? me/you fighting through art/kiwi/tim/ramy? it's a tough battle man. but hey, teamworked it thorugh and we rocked it through. we both had our talents in cs through training with various sources. in the same way, lets join together again..and rock this. LIC.

then there's people i truly want them to be in the family of God. but what can i do if i set myself on the sideline...in the same place as them? how can i even dream about helping? i must build myself and show them the difference between a christian and non-christian..and be there to pray and support them. i must go back to God...he loves me no matter what. and i too love him for what he did for me...but then i also hated some things..but what am i to judge upon the good or not? i shouldn't. God allow me to come back to you. i want to bring nicole. i want to bring chloe. i want to bring derek. i want to bring alfred. there close to me....or so i say..but what am i to say that..if i don't even provide them eternal life and i know of how to get it? why do i have to be selfish and not tell them? i shouldn't. let me run again in your name..let me be good with you...let me be confident in you once again...lets run this together lord. let me stay with you and help those around me.

there's always a part of me that i want others to be happy. to be happy, it's to live a life with God and have no problems between each other. i want to always be able to do that...lets let that happen.

LIC.

1 Comments:

heids said...: there's a part of me that loves to always see people happy too. but how?; 4:18 PM