-- SLK32 --

Sunday, May 22, 2005

a reminder please.

someone please inform me why am i living this life? why am i hating it so very much? sure there are worse people than me...but why do i haveta repeat the cycle over and over again? am i supposed to learn something that i haven't learned? or is this just one repetitive game that i just wanna say "f-you" to? God this, God that...honestly, i'm quite fed up with it. if there's something that i havta learn, please show me right now. i hate guessing and i hate repetitive things. what more can i say? except this hatred against You. my heart shakes as i think about You right now, i'm not even in the patience to be with You, Lord. as much as you care, and as much as you love me, and as much as you provide me...but right now, i don't feel anything that much from You. it's not really "my choice" in the first place to choose to give up or not... but as of now, i really want to say, get away from me. i want to live a life right now...one that i don't haveta go through all this shit. is it you that's making it all happen? or was this all because of my wicked hands? i don't know and i don't really give a damn. my heart's just furious at all the angles right now, and yet i'm still talking to You. i don't get this myself, but right now..all i have to say is "God, please move away from me, so i can actually breathe." matter of fact, i really ask that you can end my life, in whatever way. sure i have lots more to see in the future and more to fathom and more to overcome...but i'm tired. actually i'm sick AND tired of all this crap. end my life somehow, cuz i'm not the person that can choose my own life's decision. You're the one who should be able to take or provide me with that very breathe of life...ever since the beginning. For now, i don't see a motivation to live on for you. i feel really burdened to have to follow all your ways. one side i want to follow you, but following your ways is making me have a hard time..and matter of fact, i haven't even been following all your ways to begin with. i've been up there with you, cuz i felt it. but for whatever reason now, i'm quite fed up. i question myself, do i really need you? probably deep inside me somewhere, i would know that i need you. but on the outer cores around that deep spot... i don't. and i don't want you. and i don't see the reason to have you.

i'm backing down, but i know you still cling on me, cuz i know you never give up on your people...it's sad that i have my master clinging on me and i'm not doing jackshit...but that's really how i feel. i don't have the effort to pull you onto my shoulders again and unite as one. i must say, i must leave you clinging as of now. sorry, i guess? i don't even know. show me some meaning, and show me some motivation..and definitely show me your care and all.

1 Comments:

Kamikaze said...: stan... i completely understand how u feel right now... i've gone through it... and probably still am... still living a life filled with sin... unable to bear the pressure from God's expectations... yes... even so... the life of a Christian is to follow this life..no matter how hard it is... in the end it will all be worth it... yes... i've tried to deny the fact that this kind of things is true and i have doubted in God's plan for my life...
the thing is... you can't back down.. once you do so... satan will come full force and try to take u from Him. One word... Preserverance... if u need help with anything in your life... pressures... spiritual decay... whatever... just talk to us, your friends... we may not know exactly how to help, but we'll be there for you...personally, i see my life as a wavelength (sorry for reminding u of physics) with uncountable ups and downs... i have left God, came back, left again... and everytime i leave i feel empty... what's better? a life smothered by God or a life without God and separation... i always come to the conclusion that a life with God is definitely and ultimately the right choice... no matter how hard life is... it will end eventually... the important thing is to confirm your spiritual and eternal life...
pushing God away won't help you.. sure u'll feel relieved because the pressure of expecations is lifted... but what good does that do you ultimately? not that i wanna judge you... since i know i have probably chosen worse paths and i have A LOT of things i need to fix in my life... but still... don't give up your relationship with God... i have seen your changes since you came to this school and i was encouraged by how strong your relationship grew... (at least that's what I saw)... Don't give up. DONT GIVE UP! DONT EVER GIVE UP! continue and face the trials of a life lived for Christ. wow... longest comment ever... lol... remember, your friends are with you every step of the way and God will be with u even after that.
-Ben; 6:43 PM