-- SLK32 --

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

solution?
>> cc: sister. i'm sorry.

so finally, i'm able to talk to her again...well she actually pulled me out of the lunch room when i was just sincerely praying; just well.. i don't know even know how to deal with this myself. she says "stan!" once..and i just ignore it, because i figured it was my mere imagination for her to ever really speak to me again...just cuz i've heard something so different yesterday. then another "stan!" came along, and i shook out of my prayers and opened my eyes up. she stood there and said "can we talk" with a smile on her face. i was joyful and happy that we're able to talk, and for her desire to talk...but at the same time... i did not know what to really expect. my heart grew sour and it bit me here and there. we talked outside..and things were "sorted out"...for the most part...even though, we still had our differences in beliefs. but we're still friends, and we're able to talk again. i told her what i've been hearing and what i've heard from so many people that i'm very lost and confused..becuase i really do not konw what to really believe anymore... like even though, within me.. i know i should believe her. For she konws what's the truth outta her... but i question about her credibility...just because i've been quite hurt within these times too. i've heard things that she wanted me outta her life...but when i told her, she was shocked and told me it was not true...but that thought really surrounded my heart and head. i'm just so boggled right now... for one side (or at least i did in the past few weeks, even until yesterday) to regain her trust and all...but now on the other side of me...i really let this situation down..and i relaly don't know if i still wanna play this "game." i've been hurt quite a bit through yesterday's conversations with so many people...especially one individual..who just shot it through my heart in every direction. i was so shot down from that point....that i just wanted to give up the game... i honestly told myself and declared that i would give it all up....because i've just had about enough. but i finalized to not giving up, because i konw this can work out somehow through God's hands..just somehow...some unexplainable way, that just works. today... i just moved outta the way most of the time, and just continued on trusting on God. it did work..and man did my burdensome heart feel relieved. i was able to stand living up in the same room as her, and even looking at her..without feeling too down. sure i wished i can be alright with her... but at the point that we finally spoke..."i got what i wanted" because of God's wonderfulness.....but now i wonder really....do i wanna relive a life with her? i'm just so question-ish about everything...that i'm really confused myself.

what should i finalize my answer to be? do i want to play again? do i have enough money to insert that coin into the game machine again...and have another go at it? do i have the strength or should i back out and finally get some rest? what would the game be like in the future? how much longer can i play....i questino about everything right now.

i love you and all, but i'm hurting to play. with all my heart, i want to play again with you honestly, becuase you're worth it...but i just have so many questions. give me some time to process all this, because right now.. i'm definitely overwhelmed. i'm sorry to have to put you through this...but i'm just so stressed about this situation.

so much beating, so much damaage, so many wounds...then a snap of a finger, and we're set to go antoher round? it's hard for me.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

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