Thursday, May 05, 2005
confusion.now that my brother is back with me, and able to share some wonderful time with me again...and led me that shoulder to cry; it seems like i don't even know how to tell him...or where to start. my hearts been once boggled with all the dreadful moments and hurting wounds. i wanted to cry and just hug this brother closely to me..and just tell him all that i feel. i want to share with him what i went through...and all that he's "missed." i want him to be able to know what i went through....but i seems to me right now; my mind is still swarmed with confusion. i can't seem to grasp my hands on the right words...and i definitely do not know the problem to tell him. i mean... like me and her had a talk between each other on the day...and things were sorted out...for the most part. she was okay with talking to me, and she still treats me like that friend, she still values me as her friend, and all the other...but she just told me that our bond was not the same and definitely in need of some time before it can rebuild. hence, she accepted me again. But moreover, i "accepted" her back as well...but i can't get my mind straight. i mean i love her and everything, for she is my sister...but it kind of feels that we're so apart right now..and i'm not sure what she thinks, nor can i feel what she thinks/feel. i'm "locking myself" out of the danger zones right now; just cuz i dont want anything to happen again.
i'm satisfied, or better word is, i appreciate her strength and confidence in actually talking to me again and all...and i definitely want her back as my once dear, little sister. [or at least, i know my heart does....] but i still have some hardened spots that is restricting me to do so....i'm scared of getting hurt again i guess...and i just can't feel the same as i did before. i mean.. i look into the classrooms and halls, and i see of her sweet figure... i'm glad that she's still around...and i'm glad we're able to talk again at any given time. but my body is reacting strangely. i can't just walk up and start talking again. i feel so awkward now. i don't get it.
i just feel so trapped in this little bubble...i want to be able to burst it and come out as a new "sister-loving-stan." but i don't seem to know how to reach here. please give me some help God. i ask again for Your help between my relationship with this girl. she's so dear to me, and i remember the things and memories of how i wanted her back, and all the other...but now that she's here, i can't react right...
please help. please.
¤¤ stan blogged at
6:30:00 PM
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1 Comments:
how can a mechanic fix your car if your still driving it? i know its hard to give up everything to God. when i gave everything up to God, things felt like they got worse, and everything felt like it was crumbling, but u know, remeber mr philip said, you gota have a strong foundation to build a bigger building. to get a stronger foundation, u gota break down the building, first. stan, ive been patient and now im on fire for God. im ordinary, you can do it to.
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