-- SLK32 --

Monday, December 27, 2004

ever since i moved down from ottawa, i've come to know someone known as Jesus. did i take him seriously? shamefully speaking, no i didn't. i was born in a family (matter fact, mainly my grandma's influence...since i've lived with her all my life) that believed in the weirdo buddah...thinking back at it makes me chuckle. cuz honestly, why did i believe in such a thing like that? Well.. i didn't really worship him or anything.. i only "believe" that he was a "god". never took him seriously. but my grandma really did and worshiped him for the longest time...plus she even hopes for me and the family...and getting these fortune telling pink sheets that's SUPPOSEDLY true. It basically says if you're gonna be successful or if it's good or whatever else. pretty pathetic actually. but back to the story, moved down from ottawa, to toronto..and was introduced to Christ by my uncle. Thank God honestly. at first, i remember going to church was a hassle. cuz to me, it's like saturday and sunday are the ONLY two days where a kid can actually sleep in for once. other than that, it's always waking up at like 6 in the morning gettin ready for school and what not. so going to church and meeting with all these random people (that i have no relation with whatsoever) was relaly not a good preference. but i dunno...after a year or so, i kinda took him more seriously you can say...but then we moved again up to richmond hill area and we moved to another church...from there, i was baptized when i turned 11. That's pretty young actually...but it's not like it matters on age. point is, i got baptised and then.. i dunno, living in a public school system and no personal all-time-Christian-supporter by my side...it was hard to grow within the Lord. so where does this leave me? i was a kid that had minimal knowledge of Christ and i was baptised and left in a "not-so-friendly" place...that doesn't help my spiritual growth either...matter fact, i've actually learned to be "more bad" than what i already am. from the years in ottawa, i also lived in a public system, where i already developed a bad foundation to start out with. Swearing, fighting, problem making, and whatever else; you name it. i've done it. it's been like that for a long period of time... although i've set my mind to change, becuase of God, i never relaly took it seriosuly...and always had excuses: "i'll do it next time" ; "i'll remember next time...this time i'll just do it" ; " i can't change, it's just me" ; and blablablaba.... just excuses after excuses. Dunno...i guess from the point that i was baptised, i was really "godly" for a while..and interested in Him. always asked my uncle about him and wanted to know more....attending sunday school was fun, and interesting..blablabal.... but i dunno, it's not till i actauly hit high school, till i actually experienced God a lot and started to change. From grade 5 to 8, i was at a publicized high school, and lived school life like a competition...at least on the friendship side...it was who's big (in power) means who's got the most back which means who's got the most friends. although i've gained a lotta power, i'ved gained lotta friends through actualy friendships too. prolly just my character, cuz idon't just merely make friends through power and blah. but yeah...leaving from elementary school to high school was weird. really weird, cuz i hadda leave them and attend somehwere totally different--PCA. it was totlaly different from what i'm used to.. i held down all my cussing problems and basically didn't talk much..cuz i didn't want to say the wrong thing (like "what the hell" or "what the f...") in the classroom or whatever...it was rreally weird and VERY hard to keep it altogether, cuz it was totally NOT me. but yeah.. i managed to get through... i just met friends one by one....well 2 of them, i actually knew ahead of time. one was Chris Fung. dunno if anyone of you still rmb or konw him.. but anyways, i've met him through some track and field meet up in elementary school and some relationship thing i've encountered before. so when i saw him at pca again, it was easy to get along with him..and he's hte one who really "brought" me to know the people...not really...but he at least allowed me to fit in, when i can't talk to anyone else =P anyways... yeah, kept meeting different people within different classes. It was actaulyl pretty weird....cuz all the people seem more friendly than what i was used to. except a couple, which are more of the "tough" ones...but i dunno, got to know them fastest. prolly cuz they're similar to me? cuz of "tough look" and "tough this and that"...dunno.. but yah, i had like 2 friends (Chris and Aaron) dat was pretty much it..the rest i kept meeting in classes that i don't even remeber most of the time haha... but now that i think back, i rmb them perfectly. one was Mark Elrehab in computer class, he's the first guy i've met after the other two. then i met adalia. then ashton in music class. then brian, who helped me so much in life and all. real blessing from God. the other guy that i've known before was Alfred, through chinese/math school from younger ages...but we haven't seen each other prolly in more than 2 years..when i came, i didn't even recognize him...he actually came up to me and said helllo and asked if i rmb'ed him..obviously i said NOPE haha. anyways..then from pca, met more people and continued life there. I rmb i talked with brian one night...dunno what gotten into me and what gotten into him.. haha, i just met him during gym class, and somehow i got his msn..and we somehow got along..even though we're both in different worlds..(he's in more of a peaceful home and location...since he lived in pca all his life.. but me i lived in a public system, where everything was different) we stil talk about it sometimes now..it's pretty weird how we get along still.. hahaha but that's a good thing =) right bro? hahah =D anyways... had the talk with him.. dunno, it was even a school night! we jsut kept talking and gotten to know each other...prolly around 3 till we actually got offline. pretty amazing, just kept konwing each other from time to time..over msn and gym time. we balled for a while, until i stopped participating in gym..cuz of some hand problem...that i hadda sit out most of the time...-___- but yeah.... then i rmb i met derek, which was another close friend that lasted with me still. and quite happy about the whole thing. me/bri/derek, we're aznphyR. it's for life. at least to me, it is. i don't ever want that to break, that friendship, it's good. we helped each other outta the wrost times and the saddest times. they've helped me when i'm in the saddest point of my life. and we've punked (MAJOR one) a person, and we jsut shared a lot of time together. it's great. but anyways...from this point, ever since i moved to pca and known brian.. he actualy became my "spiritual support partner" you can say... he and i help each other throughout our spiritual battles...through the rough and through the good times. we just share amongst all of our things. it's great...to have such a close brother. from there, i've grown..and till today, i've been growing more and more in God...i've learned a lot within this school...taht's why pca means much more to me than merely a school. it's a place where i've learned more than i can ever learn from any other "school." this is like a home, a second home. it's wholely different. totally magnificent. but i dunno...from then on, i've had problems within my life when i've shattered my relationship with my closest girl friend. that's been heart breaking and it's still aching from all the way back in march 2003. it's been 2 years now, actually nearing 3...as the clock hits 12:00am on dec 31st. dats like next week.... although everything's getting better.. it's not where i like it...but then it's where God wants it.. that i still have confident in...but from that problem, my relation with God actaulyl got a lot stronger and i've learned a lot from there....it's a big lesson, and it's taken me at least a year to process it all...i'm still learning from it, as i think back to it. God relaly teaches in a way that we cannot imagine or will ever want to try...but when you Do try it..it's a whole new experience. and i guarantee it..you'll like the results from it....cuz it'll be much better than you can ever imagine...but on the other hand, the problem also affected my relationship with God..cuz i've actually gotten mad at him for taking such a valuable girl from me.. and making me suffer through all these times..and even after long prayers and continious prayers..he keeps removing her.. and hten giving her back..just a lil bit, then BOOM; taking her away again...it was like as if he was playing around with me....that really hurt me. so i really gotten like..."ok god, you're you, i'm me. i'm only gonna believe in you if i get waht i want" sorta attitude.... that was some tough times.. cuz it was like half of was believing, and the other was not. it was a hard battle..but after a lotta chats with a lotta people...i've soon to realize wht's better to go for...someone that will only HAVE a CHANCE of being forever.. or someone that will ABSOLUTELY be FOREVER...i've chosen the second choice. Taht's God. he will always be with you and will be eternal for sure. the first one was her, she COULD be with me forever..but that's not certain....so yeah... it's too much to write about..the whoel process of thinkin and analyzing and blabla...i've wrote enough right now matter of fact.. if you're interested, just holla at me..and i'll tell you about it..(if i feel comfortable, on what you ask.) yep. hmm... but yeah until now, at this point of time...my relationship with god is like a "spiritual break time"..just like a "christmas break from school".. i dunno...it's kinda wrong. cuz i shouldn't be given the choice of "breaks" in my spiritual life... i should always be with him if that's my choice.. i'm trying to get back now... but it's hard to get back, cuz satan's gotten his hands on me..when i dropped my guard throughout this break..when i took my own spiritual break. keep the prayers going guys. thanks y'all.

Thanks for reading through this LONG post (yes, again. i just have a lot to say =P)

oh what irony. haha, long journey (title) and long post. OH i'm practicing foreshadowing! yes that's it. [don't ask. i'm real bored. i need SOME thing to crack me up at least.. lol. aite, take care.]

Monday, December 27, 2004

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