SLK-32

2008-05-21T00:10:00.000-04:00

interesting...

2007-04-13T04:29:00.000-04:00

interesting how i used to write almost everyday.
but its been a while since my last keystroke on this very page.
i should return to this page again..
cuz i know i havent given it up.
i had so many thoughts lately....
just it has ever reached onto this page.
i'll let that continue now,
but it's time for bed.

i shall return.
stay tuned.

looks like...it finally happened.

2006-09-04T17:04:00.000-04:00

looks like...it finally happened.
the day that i did not want to appear has finally appeared.
the day when all that i had is gone...
i rest here all on my own,
where everything just seems to be put to an end.
i have no one to call anymore..
i have no one to share a moment with anymore.
i dont seem to be able to enjoy that last bit of summer with another...
all has gone to their own place...
while i rest here by myself.
i long for one to return and share a memory with me again.
but i dont know when that will be...
i miss every one of you right now,
i hope that each of you will have your share of fun.
and everything, but remember, i will always have you in my heart.
the times i think back at each of our own experiences together,
it makes me smile and become happy. but then when i realize that
you guys are not here again... it makes me sad and even depressed..
and a little bit discouraged...but, just but... i really thank you
all for the memories you've given me. i loved it, and forever will
love it; not minding if it was a happy or a sad moment. jsut each
memory of you guys will last. i love you all.

i love you sis.
i love you sis.
i love you sis.
i love you bro.
i love you bro.

thank you. to each of you. thank you.
even if i can choose again, i will not change the fact that we share such bonds.

thank you.

missing hardcore.

2006-08-15T04:04:00.000-04:00

missing each of you like mad, hardcore.
one of you is almost like vanished...and i havent talked to ever since school ended. one of you i havent really talked to and want to talk to before you go off. one is now to be gone...spent the whole summer with you, but now you're gone. one is leaving in like 2 weeks, and i've only seen you once in the whole summer. one is about to leave in nine days..and i havent seen once in summer. one is about to leave in 2 weeks as well.

sigh... i miss you all so much. more so on 2. i actually had tears coming down tonight...my computer was off, but i knew i had to post this to rmb this moment of life. i respect you all, i love you all, i just want you guys to stay. i feel that each little part of me is being removed from me... each of you are going off to a different place now, and that part is about to vanish from me. if i'm lucky, i'll still remain in your hearts and be reunited when the time is right. i miss you all so deeply. i love you.

the last thing i want you to remember of me..
is the droplet that i've given to you.

i love you all.

scared....calc...

2006-08-10T22:36:00.000-04:00

chills coming down my spine.
as i think about something...
will i fail it again and not make the needed goal?
i'm honestly quite scared... i can't imagine if i do again.
how much i'd hate myself if i failed it once again.
i dont even know where i stand right now,
but hopefully i'm far above the needed mark.
i'm so scared. really scared.

2006-07-31T17:40:00.000-04:00

why do people post unnecessary messages, when they have nothing to say.

2006-07-15T02:52:00.000-04:00

who remains as the ones closest and dearest to me?
it's so mind boggling. one second you were the closest ones
around me...but now all of you feel so distant.
ones gone, and we havent ever talked for the longest time.
ones gone on trips, but promise to return and get it started again.
ones gone to shanghai that i quite miss and want to see, every time
i step out of my house and get a glimpse of her house.
ones here, but i feel distant from him..even though we shouldnt be.
at least not this quick.
and ones a guy that i hang out with almost all summer...it's great.
but still i feel distant....sometimes.
it's really sad for me to think about these things...
i dont know. it's weird.

2006-06-20T00:19:00.000-04:00

b's or not...i question that sometimes..
i dont know if its the lack of faith,
or is it the actual reality...
but are we bros or not?
i dunno. it's just real weird sometimes.
questions..just too many.

i feel like we'll fail the test,
what do you think?

schools over...

2006-06-09T21:55:00.000-04:00

coming to end....yet going to a new adventure.

it's over now..high school has finally come to an end...
that unwanted point in our lives...it's finally here.
the point where all those long friendships separate
and endure their ultimate tests. are the friendships
that you sustained in high school really strong enough
to endure a test this big? can it sustain itself after
getting separated in different schools; millions of miles
away? will those relationships still remain the same?
will the friendships still remain after all the time
that will be in between until we meet again in the future?
there's just so much to think about.

i thought about it, will i be able to sustain any?
i know i'll never drop any friendships, but will i be strong
enough to sustain them in the very same level as they are now?
i honestly do not know becuase people change, scenarios change,
environments change, and connections change. i may be able to
sustain that friendship...but will the other person be able to?
or what if the other person can, and i cannot? it's fearful.

high school is soon to come to a true end: after the exams...
spread in span of 4 more days. then it's summer; until the point
that we meet again at graduation. after that..it's continuing the
summer...where everyone can spend the remaining time together;
before they separate to western, albany, macmaster, ocad and carleton.
those are the closest friends of mine... yet none of them are going
the be with me next year....we're all going to take that ultimate test
of friendship--will we all pass? i honestly don't know and cannot imagine.
i want to cry out to the world becuase i know i will miss these people so
much...becuase i may or may not ever see these people again. i've been
through so much with them; in the few years of high school.

just to even imagine the difference that university will bring to each of us, scares me. freezes me. and just makes me shiver in fear. the things that i can imagine will be thrown at each of my brothers; will they be able to withstand it? i fear for them; especially one. one's got God behind his back, but the other does not. i really fear for him. in a conversation that lasted yesterday night, he said "he does not know how he will make it next year without me"...it was a powerful statement...becuase it showed his acknowledgement of me and the purpose of me. just to separate from him may be a big test for me. my spiritual support, my other brother......just to imagine that he will not be there for me anymore...i cannot just look around the corner and find him to support me through anymore. will miles away from the both of us....to even imagine if we'll be able to sustain our friendship together and that brotherly love we have now. it scares me to think about it...it really does. my sisters...i cannot imagine what it will be like...i'm already not good with one of you and we've went our separate paths...but yet i still put my eyes on you--on the side to support you. but the others, i dont know how iam possibly going to keep in contact with you. i really dont know...you have miles between us too....will you remember me after all that? i dont know. just so many things. i really want to hug you and pull you close to me...i dont want to let you go. i love you all too much.

to imagine that i've only got a few more months with you all...it really scares me and i just dont know how to handle it.

forever brothers. let that never change. faith guys faith. just faith.
i love each of you. i can hardly imagine life without you two.

love.

ugh.

2006-06-02T23:05:00.000-04:00

SO FREAKING STRESSED OUT.
PLEASE END.
-----

MONDAY
1: calculus test (CS)
2: computer exam (part 1)
3: english BNW test
4: G-test
5: FS ISP + EXAM
6: Go to johnny's dealership

TUESDAY
1: EXAM PREP
2: EXAM PREP -- june 7th exam
3: data isp presentation

WEDNESDAY
1: computer exam (part 2)
5: accounting exam

THURSDAY
7: computer exam (part3 )

-----

EXAM WEEK

mon: english exam
tues: data exam
wed: calculus exam / fs exam
thurs: os exam

-----

2006-05-24T13:39:00.000-04:00

goals to achieve.

- come out with 92 average.
- finish university with high averages; 90.
- buy myself an m3 within 5 years.
- rely on God with everything.
- repay my mother for all that she's given me.
- repay all that my uncle's spent on me.
- finish these goals.

: take on the mockery now, repay them back with what they cannot expect.

that's what i got to say.
the end.

2006-05-22T13:55:00.000-04:00

ask ask ask...
i keep getting asked.
i do and i do.
i ask and ask..
no one helps. no one does.

they call and call and call.
i respond.
i call and call,
no response.

what's wrong with all of you?
want me to be like this too? cuz trust me i can.
for those think i can't..trust me, you'll be scared to find out.
i can stay attached at all times; to even my last breath;
but i can also let go so fast that you wont even be able to take a breath.

2006-05-14T23:45:00.000-04:00

God.
i ask of You..
what do you want of me?

share with me.
show me.

drained.

unspoken.

2006-04-12T01:02:00.000-04:00

unspoken.

the goodness..

2006-03-11T18:37:00.000-05:00

the goodness of life.

it's been well lately, things are coming through.
i'm glad things are putting up straight now.
i'm better with everyone one, not to jinx anything.
overall, i'm quite glad that things are well.
i'm holding onto my two brothers now though,
they're faithful and shall will i.
they've done the same for me, and i'm doing it right back.
that's not a doubt.
otherwise, the girls are going to be cared for jsut the same.
and that's not a doubt either.

but yes, another part of life:
schools about to end...quite a short period of time left actually..
but it's freaky to see that...schools about to end,
and that we're all going to separate...
i'm sure i wrote about this in the previous posts,
but yeah...i'm thinkin about it again
and i will cherish the things and times that's remaining.

another part, just doing projects and things for school
hope to finish everything soon time....and i hope to launch
the spring banquet stuff sooon..and make it into an unforgetable
night for all of us. let that happen.

dont relaly know what am i writing... just kinda blabbing...=p

bleh.

2006-03-05T19:33:00.000-05:00

bleh.

bleh.
bleh.
bleh.
bleh.
dont feel like designing.
bleh.
bleh.
bleh.
whatever.

percentage.

2006-02-28T23:03:00.000-05:00

percentage.

there's a percentage on everything.
what's my percentage of getting into university?
what's my percentage of getting a good grade?
what's my percentage of staying with God?
what's my percentage of staying with my family?
what's my percentage of staying with my close friends?
what's my percentage of staying with my friends?
what's my percentage of all that i do?
what's my percentage of living the next breath?
what's my percentage of finishin this message?

it's all about percentage,
just one big risk, one big unknown.
can it all be calculated? no.
what then? we must endure it.
for me, it's hard.

seriously, percentages.
it's all about percentages. think about it.
what's not by percentages anymore..ugh.

overload of thoughts.

2006-02-25T00:22:00.000-05:00

overload of thoughts.

there's an overload of thoughts in my head,
that i can barely question and respond.
but for now, lets not even list it out.
i'm not in the patience or mood to,
so much stuff to worry about.
so often do i feel used as well,
used to the point that when i'm only needed.
at others, i'm blown away for any other.
what more can i say...
i'm off blog.
goodbye.

messed up ness.

2006-02-23T19:31:00.000-05:00

messed up ness.

i don't even konw what to say,
my life's pretty screwed up right now.
lets sum it up i guess:
not good in school.
not good in family situations.
not good in friend situations.
not good in health situations.
not good in god relationships.
not good in having backstabbers.
not good in just pure off life.

beh.

thanks nada.

2006-02-20T16:03:00.000-05:00

sense of gratitude.

thanks man.
thank you for calling.
did not expect a call from you actually,
but that sure did make my day.
sense of closeness once again,
thank you. =)

thanks man.
thanks for your calling too,
did not expect your text messages,
then a call from you afterwards.
thanks.
sense of closeness.
thank you. =)

owe you both. =D

WHAT THE HECK.

2006-02-20T12:28:00.000-05:00

WHAT THE HECK.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HECK.
WHAT THE HECK IS THE POINT OF HAVING A CELLPHONE?
WHY DONT YOU GUYS JUST THROW IT OUT.
SERIOUSLY. I CALL IT, WHEN I MOST NEED IT, AND YOU
WILL NOT PICK UP.

AND FOR THOSE WHO HAVE A CELLPHONE
THAT CAN'T EVEN CATCH SOME FREAKING SIGNAL.
THROW THAT PIECE OF CRAP OUT TOO.
CUZ IT'S ABOUT FREAKING GETTING A CAL.
THAT'S THE POINT OF A CELLPHONE;
NOT ALL THAT FANCY BOLONY CRAP.

-- I JUST CALLED MY GRANDMA'S PHONE 72 RINGS,
AND SHE PICKED UP ONCE. [YES 72!]
-- I CALLED A FRIEND AND HIS PHONE'S OUT OF SIGNAL
-- CALL ANOTHER FRIEND AND GUESS WAHTS' ITS OUT OF SIGNAL TOO
-- I CALL ANOTHER FRIEND AND IT GOES THROUGH, BUT THEY DONT FREAKING PICK UP

eminems' song.

2006-02-19T22:44:00.000-05:00

eminem's song.

[Intro]
So i changed, huh
You got a phone,
Pick it up, call me

[Chorus:]
How come, we don't even talk no more,
And you don't even call no more,
We don't barely keep in touch at all,
And I don't even feel the same love when we hug no mo',
And I heard it through the grape vine we even beefin' now,
After all the years we've been down,
Ain't no way, no how,
This bullshit can't be true,
We family, aint a damn thing change unless it's you
---
good song. coudlnt say better myself.

a sad moment to realize.

2006-02-15T19:29:00.000-05:00

a sad moment to realize.

i just woke up,and i had a thought.
i pulled out my school calendar, and i realize
the days that i have together with my friends
is vanishing by; with a tremendous speed.
we have 3 more months now together,
before we all set off in different paths.
some may remain with each other, and some may
vanish. i'm so scared of it right now...
i really do not want to leave you guys,
i've been through so much with many of you.
it's really sad for me...really sad.
i can't imagine the day that we separate,
nor do i want to. i'm scared. really scared.
my close connection with the few of you;
aznphyr and the two sisters and the other
close friends. i'm really scared of our connection.
will it make it through? i really hope so.
i love you guys so much; it's so hard for me
to just let you guys go with a sudden release.
i'm pretty sad, just thinkin about it.
sigh...

i love you.

valentine.

2006-02-14T21:19:00.000-05:00

happy valentine's day everyone! =)

today's a fun day to spend.
first day back to school; such a brand new experience.
then english presentation was today; was kinda nervous
before because i didnt think we were ready. but when
the time came, i think we pulled off a good job.
well done group members: LL, DC, KF, CL, KW, JW, ML, AN
and all those who helped bring this possible.
was a lot of work, but i'm glad it's done
and it's done with you guys.
thanks.
---
i got to spend time with my best friend.
i'm really happy about that.
the relation has not been the best over
the course of my memory span.
but recently, it's improved.
i got to spend some nice quality time
with them on the phone yesterday night.
close to three hours together, thank you.
my life's slowly starting to get better again.
lets hope this will continue.
----
thank you all.
for your prayers.
for your support.
----
thank you my brothers and sisters.
i love you. you are all my valentine this year.
thank you so much.

the juxtaposition.

2006-02-13T10:52:00.000-05:00

the juxtaposition.

why are some people so different from others?
to the point that they're so inconsiderate
and must hurt feelings of mine.
do they not understand they have the power
to screw around with someone else's emotions?
just simple tasks, and they wont even do it.
yet when they need it, they can come swarming
at me and ask for me; and i do for them.
yet when i ask, they will not.
nor will they even get close with me.

then there's those who will stick with me
and support me throughout.
they can make me happy,
they can cheer me up.
they can see that i'm sad and will be there for me.
i thank you so much brothers.
this experience sure showed me your closeness to me,
i must take a leap down, and say thank you so much.

so big of a difference between the two groups.
one can be so irking. yet the other can be so loving.
what's wrong with this whole thing.

the thing that you love most,
can you the most.
in my case, it did.

more than i can imagine.

2006-02-11T23:54:00.000-05:00

more than i can imagine.

what did this situation do to me?
what did it bring?
it's more than i thought and can imagine.
it's brought my self-esteem even
lower than where it stands previously.
it's brought troubles onto my shoulders,
more than i can carry.
it's brought troubles onto my mother,
because now the schools bugging my mom.
it's brought troubles to my grandmother,
because it got her worried and she keeps bringing it back up.
it's brought even more troubles onto my mom,
cuz my grandmother is taking this little thing and making it
seem more than it is; and in turn screaming at my mother for doing
a bad job in raising me and all that crap.
it's brought me 0's in my school life,
so that will affect my marks; for my final year to university.
it's brought me shame,
becuase now people look at me as if i'm some bad kid from the block.
it's brought me to feel like crap because i have never
been suspended in my life, and this is the first.
it's brought me to feel absolute failure feelings,
because i've failed to live up and be a good kid for my mother.
it's brought me so much crap that i can barely imagine,
more and more shows up as i live on the days.
it's brought me just so much stress,
at first i thought i can handle it.
but the more i live it, the more i think about it,
the more that's going on...i feel the harshness in it.
the schools asked me what can they do for me to help me
in my situation that i'm in.
honestly, there's so many things that they can do.
what about start lessening the amount of work?
i just want one bit of relaxation.
that's all i ask for.
i've been so worked up,
i want to cry.
i want to cry.
i want to cry.
i want to die.

someone please remove my life,
because i cannot take my own.
for it's against my faith,
i'm just so upset.

i'm going to fall over.
i need some guidance.

results.

2006-02-10T10:25:00.000-05:00

results.

i got a 3-day.
hmm, do i deserve it? i still think no.
is it fair? i do not think so.
but what can i do ? that's the ending results.
originally it was gonna be a 6-day,
but they chopped it down to a 3-day.
i guess it's better than 6 day, but
still...it's not that much better.
i dunno yet, but i might have gotten
a 0 for most of my stuff that i missed.
hopefully not, and i can rewrite everything.
[all for a simple joke? seriously. retarded]

i dunno...right now, i'm at the computer.
doing my posting at like 10:28am....
dun really know what to think,
just doing.

kinda awkward...but i'm glad it's over.
the retardedness. oh well.
i dunno...i said hi to one individual,
but they did not really reply...i'm hoping
its cuz the person didnt hear...
and i greeted a couple of others...
i dunno, i feel as if their perspective on me
has changed for the most part.
i feel that people are looking at me differently,
after this happened. principal/guidance said their
perspective on me is still the same... but i dun think so.
the eyesights i get from people...and the things i see.
they're quite...disturbing. they bug me.
the closer teacher especially.. i feel that he's looking at me
as if there is some kind of prejudice and saying.. like get away
from me...or something like that.i dont really know.
can i just forget about this? ugh.

thanks for all those who cared over this period
of time. i guess i can use this period of time to
spend time working on my stuff.
lets hope i make the best outta it.

God take over me. still kinda bugged by it.
but not really... let you run through me.

i'm outty.

retarded.

2006-02-09T12:24:00.000-05:00

retarded day.

today was a day that i did not very much enjoy.
during class, i was already being ignored.
and that felt like crap.
then i started doing some work,
since i have a heavy load to cover.
then i get called down,
and i find out a surprise.
one that i don't think is appropriate,
but apparently it was.
until now, i still think they took it too seriously.
so now i'm home, at half day of school.
after the meeting, i approached her,
but her...she was not as close as i thought.
guess we're not fine after all,
i called her, yet she just answered me
with a whatever voice. i apporached her,
slowly. cuz i didnt know what to really do.
at this point, all i wanted was a hug...
from anyone. just anyone.
but it couldnt be from her.
she nodded and i told her what happened.
i didnt see much of a reaction,
probably because she didnt really care.
i dont know, i have so much in my head right now.
i approached a few others along the way to get
my stuff to leave the school. some listened,
some didnt. some that i just didnt want to talk to.
i just...really find this day to be a messed up day.

so here i am, doing my work at home.
becuase of this, it seems to have screwed up my schedules.
i dont even know what's going on anymore.

God what's happening?
what are you trying to teach me?
what am i supposed to learn?
i do not know.
help me please.

cheer up everyone

2006-02-06T17:55:00.000-05:00

cheer up.

i'm sure that's a line we all need right now.
so much has been happening in our lives that
just creates a heavy burden onto our soft shoulders.
it may be work, it may be grades, or it may be other stuff.
but that is how life goes on, more things each time.
we have to learn to get up each fall,
and mature from that event.

right now, grades mean a bundle to a lot of us,
especially in our last crucial year before hitting
the bigger world of university.
stress.
that's one word to emphasize.
but through it all guys,
find peace in God.

through God, there will be peace.
and there will be joy.

prayin for you, and the other you.

------

sis,
i know how you feel.
but cheer up ok? i dunno what i can do.
but do allow me to help if its right.

tirednesssss

2006-02-01T19:41:00.000-05:00

tiredness

oh so tired.
oh so exhausted.
oh so excited at the same time.
oh so wanting to follow God.
oh so satisfied because God's so great.
oh so ashamed cuz i'm not that good with God.
oh so ashamed cuz i know i can do better.

but anyways....
it's been a tiring couple of days,
but that's all fine.
because i was refreshened with a couple
of things that just sparks up my day.
thank you.

about to go practice for this family studies play.
then another english play after that...
but lets rock this. =)

take it easy y'all.
---
list to accomplish:
- university applications
- english isp + skit assignment
- fs isp + skit assignment
- comsci exam + programming assignment
- math calculus hwk
- math data hwk (TIPS)
- OS read over notes
- read Bible
- yearbook stuff
- etc.
--

but overall mood: happy.

chinese new year

2006-01-29T18:18:00.000-05:00

so much for that..

2006-01-24T20:04:00.000-05:00

so much for that..

so much for owning calculus,
i was so confident too,
guess i'm just plain off dumb in calculus then.
don't even want to think about where my mark is now.
same for english.
both just got shot down by a mere exam...
how great.

1 passed.
2 failed.
2 more to go.

the ratio's not good.
i think i'm gonna cry.

but what's that going to do? nothing.
ugh, i hate myself.

exams.

2006-01-23T21:01:00.001-05:00

exams

english, that was just a miserable time. should have just not studied and gone to math studying. you're right derek. you're right. it was foolish to study.

but another story now:

CALC YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
going to pwn you like there's no tomorrow.
that's right.
you heard me.
let me whip you now.

a little resolution.

2006-01-21T15:30:00.000-05:00

a little resolution.

a little resolution, but one will change me entirely.
God, i ask that you help me focus out through this period
of stressful times in studying for our midterms.
i think for the most of us (in grade 12) need these
upcoming marks to reflect our future.
but obviously, more importantly, it's in your time
and planning of our future. let me remember that.
let me always remember such a line, you love me.
you'll plan for me, without any kind of doubt.
let me remember that.

through this tough and stressful time Lord,
let me not be overwhelmed by merely school stuff.
or anything that brings me away from you.
let me be able to come to you and talk to you,
and spend time with you--through devotions, through
anything. just spending time with you through all
the hassles in life right now.
let me be able to grow and see your presence,
more and more each moment that i spend more on earth.
let me not give up, let me stand up each fall.
let me regain strength and start over after each attempt.

let me not be overwhelmed by anything, but joyful and patient and faithful in You.
Romans 12:12 (New International Version)
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Mark 10:27 (NIV)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

anything's possible with You. let me indulge that in my head.
and one more thing Lord,
let me be able to follow up with this guide i found:
"Comprehensive Bible Reading Plan (365 Days)" offered by biblegateway.
starting after exam time. please do.
that's my resolution.

to even...

2006-01-17T22:56:00.000-05:00

to even give you a glimpse of what i feel.

to even show you a glimpse of what i have in my head
and heart right now is simply un-doable.
i have so much in my head, seriously.
all the stress is building up little by little,
and some by big proportions.
i'm so utterly effed in the head,
that i'm starting to lose it.
why am i that failure?
seriously.

why can i not be smart for once.
what happened to that old me,
WHAT THE HELL.

i'm really overwhelmed right now,
i just want to cry, but i'm so tired to.
i have to study, but i'm so freaking tired
and unmotivated to go on, cuz it does not
make a difference in the end...i'll fail anyways.

my dream about going to waterloo?
i don't even know how that is going to be possible.
am i going to make it anywhere actually?
maybe. if somehow and some time that i become truly lucky.
i've lost complete hope in myself really.

i hate tests; cuz i can't effing do them.
yet i keep getting them. is this how life
likes to fark me over with? cuz my marks
are getting chipped away after each and
new test that i get. why? cuz im a fucking
failure.

yes people, the guy that you knew
who thinks he's a failure from a year ago,
he is back. because sadly, that's the ultimate truth.

i'm a failure.
what more can i propose...

eff everything.

so what's on my mind right now.

2006-01-15T17:17:00.000-05:00

what's on my mind now.

-calc quiz tomoro: scared
-accounting exam: scared shitless
-eng exam: scared even more shitless.
-calc exam: oh freaking dear.
-comsci exam: scared even more, actually.

-family study notes: this is just retarded
and adds to my pressure of actual useful things.

life's gonna be stressful; starting from this point on.
oh and university stress, not good.

and i don't have enough sleep.

better day today.

2006-01-13T00:12:00.000-05:00

better day today.

reflections went by since yesterday night.
i was given a phone call from an individual,
and that got me more relaxed than where i
originally was; after writing the last entry.
i thank her a lot, even though she thinks she
didnt do too much. she knows that obviously. =)

i woke up today, and i just kept thinking;
to my surprise, i think i've been calling God's name.
even in the mess that i'm in, from what i said...of
how i'm scared of God... i still seem to grasp onto Him.
it's an interesting point to realize--at least for myself.

i prayed...i think. if i still remember correctly.
today changed to a better day; sorta.
i was more upbeat as some people have noticed.
i arrived at school; waiting for my turn to present
a business presentation that i didnt really want to do.
i wanted to, but at the same time.. i hate presentations,
so i didnt want to; but thankfully, i was able to perform
a good job on it. then accounting was just whatever...didnt
really care about that one. data test was what i worried about.
i thought i'd fail..but thankfully, when i started that test,
things started to flow. i think i did ok on it. so that should
be fine. otherwise, i'm screwed. nothing really majorly screwed
up my day...so i guess that's why i was able to stay up and cheerful.
at least...most of the time. so i'm glad...plus i had conversations
with individuals that kept me up. so i'm glad about that.

i guess i just still miss the old times here and there.
which is another reason to my downfall to my faith.
stupid if you think about it..but now, i think i'm going
to try to shape up again. it's gonna be one hell of a ride,
but who am i to give up? keep striving. may i ask daringly;
God, provide me strength. be my strength. be my guide.
be the one that you always were for me.
let me unite with you and act in your ways.

let me stay upbeat.
thank you for providing me with close ones.
let me not be scared about anything,
and especially not you.

something to share...

2006-01-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

something to share...

it's been the first week back to school.
yet it seems to last forever;
the days go by so slowly,
and may i add stressfully.
today is a wednesday,
a day that i was looking forward to,
since the tuesday that i did not arrive at school.
but today...it was different than what i had in mind.

i walked into the school; late again.
my body's still not used to going to school,
so early in the morning. i'm cranky.
i'm tired, i have difficulties even standing up.
i walk into calculus class, and i just write.
i was able to joke around here and there.
but that was about it.
in bible class, it seemed to last forever.
but i still remember the moment
when i heard the name,
i suddenly had a feeling of "YES!!"
i joked around with it with my brother,
but in true reality, it wasn't a yes.
i still cared about such,
i looked into my bag, and to my surprise,
the yes was totally gone becuase i saw
the figure beside me.
english class then flew by kind of quickly,
but i was running really dry already.

i walked into that chapel,
one that i longed for since the day before.
but i didnt feel any inspiration, any kind of feeling
that i normally have. i felt like a stranger in a church.
i felt like that i didnt really belong.
everyone stood and sang,
everyone prayed and was faithful,
everyone rejoiced and reflected,
but me..i remained on the pew; quiet.
i didnt sing, i didnt pray, i didnt anything.
i just looked at myself, and said to myself:
"why can i not focus...why.."
there were so many thoughts that went through my
head at this point. and right now,
i can barely remember all of it.

it was hard for me to focus at all,
i felt so apart from God, it seemed like forever
that i've last talked with God. but is this true?
i can hardly think with my brain about it right now.
it seems like my relationship with Him has differed.
i don't feel the same with Him.
whats wrong... am i missing something now?
am i not doing something that i have done in the past?
seriously, what is missing in me right now.

i just couldnt focus today,
and i tried talking to God in the time being,
but it didnt work. it seemed to have caused a
negative effect; i started to reflect the things
that is going on in my life and i simply want to yell
out to Him..that i give up. i dont want to play His game.
my brain started to gather thoughts,
thoughts about Him.
thoughts that make me really want to quit.

isn't he supposed to be loving and caring for me?
that's what i was taught since the beginning of my faith.
but as i live with Him longer, it seems that its starting
to change. i've been put into so many different tasks and events,
that i do not enjoy being in. i've been given challenge, after challenge.
it's really hard on me; especially when i think of how he "loves" and "cares"
for me, yet he has to take away the things that i value really much.
the things that i've thanked him for in the past.
why must he erase that part of my life?
i lost a best friend still, Lord.
i thought you said if i asked you earnestly,
you'd give it to me?
but it seems like i still dont have the hand of her,
she's farther away from me than i expected.
i've came back to school, and we have not spoke one word.
we're strangers; very much like how i feel towards you right now.
i must be hurting your heart, in saying things like these;
but i cant help it. that's honestly how i feel.

i looked at the words today, in each worship song.
i coudlnt agree with any of them.
neither did i really want to.
i lost that inspiration and motivation in you.
wherever those things may lie right now,
maybe i'll find it someday.

i find it scary to follow you right now,
but is that what i want? to live alone on my side,
and leave you on the other? i don't know.
i honestly do not know.
my thoughts are all over the place,
i just can't focus.

i'm scared everywhere,
university pressure is getting to me.
i'm not necessarily smart,
and my grades are not up there to get in
wherever i want.
then this sort of thinking is getting to me,
i dont know what i want.

i'm just really scared in all my heart:
the future. the present. and you.
you seem so scary to me now.

I DONT KNOW OK.
I WANT TO YELL.
I WANT TO SCREAM.
I WANT TO END ALL THIS SHIT IN MY HEAD.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
I WANT TO FREAKING DIE; CUZ I'M FREAKING MISERABLE.

all i know how to do lately is sleep and walk.
i can't do nothing else.
i go to school; and i cannot focus.
i go home; and i just sleep.
i get up late at night and start doing work.
staying up late and not get to school on time the next day.
do i care? honestly.. i don't.
i want to get there on time,
but i don't have motivation to even get there,
becuase school has become such a place of misery,
that i can hardly find another word to describe it.

i have a test tomorrow, so i'm going to study.
if i still stand in existence, maybe i'll write more
in telling the world how i feel and think.
but if i don't, then let there be one less on this earth.
one less of a miserable being.
bye.

been given the lemon.

2006-01-10T22:43:00.000-05:00

the characteristics of a lemon.

-been given a lemon.
-been feeling like a lemon.
-been acting like a lemon.
-been small like a lemon.
-been treated like a lemon.

about time to shape up from there.

-lost the flavor of a lemon.
-been lying there like a lemon.
-been useless like a used up lemon.
-been just floating around; lost like a lemon.
-been worthless like a lemon.

about time to get back up.

school time..

2006-01-08T19:06:00.000-05:00

school time..

school's right there, right beside me.
the day passes by, and i'll be at the building again.
well...that's if i'm up to it; waking up and setting up
myself to endure a long day. a long battle. a constant one.
one that never ended from a long time ago, am i ready for it?
am i refreshed for that battle? i don't really think so,
actually i dun even know what to expect.
its kinda scary just thinking about it right now.
kinda creeped out when i put my mind to it,
but it's not put there just yet...
it's not the time yet; not the moment.
when the clock hits the 12am mark,
i know i'll start to worry.
will i be ready?

.....only time will tell.

God? you there...?
shape me up.

worth reading email.

2006-01-06T15:42:00.000-05:00

an email..that's worth reading.

i came online after a long night yesterday,
to check my email. to my surprise i got an email
from a girl that i have not gotten anything in a while.
but the email's making me reflect.
i hope to share it with you guys.

yes it's long, but i promise you..it's worth the read.
----

Subject: WORTH READING
Read only if you have time for God
Let me tell you, make sure you read all the way to the bottom. I
almost deleted this email but I was blessed when I got to the end
God, when I received this e-mail, I thought...
I don't have time for this... And, this is really
inappropriate during work.
Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is... Exactly,
what has caused lot of the problems in our world today.
We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning...
Maybe, Sunday night...
And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.
We do like to have Him around during sickness...
And, of course, at funerals.
However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work
or play... Because. That's the part of our lives we think... We can, and
should, handle on our own.
May God forgive me for ever thinking...
That... there is a time or place where..
HE is not to be FIRST in my life.
We should always have time to remember all HE has done for
us. If, You aren't ashamed to do this...
Please follow the directions.
Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of
you before my Father."

Not ashamed?
Pass this on ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT!!

Yes, I do Love God.
HE is my source of existence and Savior.
He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I
will be nothing. But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)
This is the simplest test.
If You Love God.. And, are not ashamed of all the marvelous
things HE has done for you...
Send this to ten people and the person who sent it to you!
I don't think I know 10 people who would admit they love
Jesus. Do You love Him?

THE POEM
I knelt to pray but not for long, I had too much to do. I
had to hurry and get to work For bills would soon be due. So I
knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer. No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book; It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find.
I once was going to write it down...
But never found the time"
Now do you have the time to pass it on?
Make sure that you scroll through to the end.

Easy vs Hard
Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell
a lie?
Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is
over we suddenly wake up?
Why is it so hard to talk about God but yet so easy to talk
about nasty stuff?
Why is it so boring to look at a Christian magazine, but
yet so easy to look at a nasty one?
Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e- ma il, but yet we
forward all of the nasty ones?
Why are the churches getting smaller but yet the bars and
dance clubs are getting larger?
Do you give up? Think about it . Are you going to forward
this, or delete it?

Just remember-God is watching you. Prayer Wheel-Let's see
the devil stop this one!
Here's what the wheel is all about. When you receive this,
say a prayer for the person that sent it to you....

That's all you have to do....There is nothing attached....

This is so powerful....
Do not stop the wheel, please....
Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very
best one....
There are no costs, but wonderful rewards... GOD BLESS!
May God keep you and bless you. If this doesn't give you
chills, nothing will...this message is very true. Hope you are all
as blessed as I was from this story. I wonder how many people will
delete this without reading it because of the title on it?

There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small
New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church
carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit.
Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to
speak..."I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young
boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the
cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.
I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, son?" "Just some
old birds," came the reply.

"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.
"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm
gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm
gonna have a real good time" "But you'll get tired of those birds
sooner or later What will you do?"
"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like
birds. I'll take 'em to them."
The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want
for those birds, son?"
"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're
just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even
pretty!"
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said,
"$10?"
The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar
bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone.
The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the
end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot Setting
the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars
persuaded the birds out, setting them free.
Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and
then the pastor began to tell this story.
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan
had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and
boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down
there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got
'em all!"
"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach
them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse
each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them
how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna
have fun!"
"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus
asked. "Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly. "How much do you
want for them?" Jesus asked
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why,
you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you,
curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"
"How much?" He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears
and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE!"
Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he
walked from the pulpit.
Notes: Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash
God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but
still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).
Isn't it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through
e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending
messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing?
Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you
will not send it to many on your address list because you're not
sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending
it to them.
Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other
people think of me than what God thinks of me.

I pray, for everyone who sends this to their entire address
book, they will be blessed by God in a way special for them.
And send it back to the person who sent it, to let them know
that indeed it was sent out to many more

school time... almost back from christmas break

2006-01-04T22:39:00.000-05:00

schools almost back

christmas break is almost coming to an end,
school's coming back in the next week.
starting back on the 9th.
now what? what to expect?
will i have another adventure?
ones that i enjoy..and ones that i hate?
who really knows. i don't.
but God, give me some strength
and take good care of me,
refresh me fully...energize me up,
and give me the full time battle strength.
let me fight it all through.

and it's interesting,
my brother called me today,
haven't talked in a while,
was good. thanks Lord.

and for those who care,
may i ask that you pray for someone?
someone that needs some strength,
someone that needs some courage,
someone that is constantly in stress,
she's not doing too well;
kinda irks to see such.
thank you.

friends are family to me.

2006-01-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

friends are family to me.
they're important.
aznphyr__+3.
but i've been doing some thinking,
is there maybe in fact a 4th...?
so what? aznphyr__+4?
for now i think so.
but could i be wrong..?
i'm not really sure.
or is there just aznphyR_+1?
like i'm kind of all over the place.
will someone help me out a bit?
ughh....why am i thinking so much.

first time....

2006-01-03T00:45:00.000-05:00

first time....
it was fun today =)
thanksarooo.
smoooth day today,
thanks God.

-stan

dont ask me...how it feels.

2005-12-30T21:51:00.000-05:00

dont ask me...how it feels.

dont ask me...how it feels,
because i doubt that i can really explain.
all i can say is,
i feel picked at each moment of life right now.
each moment i look at life,
it seems that i have no one around.
no one to really talk to with truth,
they seem to have gone away somewhere.
i dunno, i just feel empty.
empty-hearted, empty-alone...
alone here i sit to blog.
1 gone to states. 1 away with his own things.
1 gone to hk. 1 gone to do whatever.
and another doing the very same.

am i simply expecting too much?
or why do i feel such a sense of loneliness....

thanks brother.
thank you brother.
i finally got to speak to someone close again,
not a long chat, but it's a chat of refreshment.
you let me know that...i still have someone,
no matter how much they dont show it...
or talk about it...they will support me through
all in the end. thanks brother.
and you also reminded me of God.
i forgotten about Him actually.
God...take over me again?
let me be filled with You, and grow once again.
over this break, i think i've fallen,
but that's when you come and pick me up again,
i ask for you Lord.
Thank You for another try with you...and my brother.
Thank you.

personality test.

2005-12-28T14:48:00.000-05:00

personality test.

thankyou for the gifts.

2005-12-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

thank You for the gifts.

thank you Lord for all the gifts you've given me.
more gifts than that i can handle,
that i can ask for. you provided me with it all.
before i asked, and during the process of me asking.
vw.by.st.nr.dc.nn.kk.an.ll.etc.
amazing gifts, i must say.
thank you.

-glasses, thank you.
-money, thank you.
-cards, thank you.

you know who you are, if i'm willing to thank you too. =)

christmas time.

2005-12-24T14:40:00.000-05:00

christmas time.

Merry Christmas! =))

Christmas is tomorrow, tonight's Christmas eve.
i sit here for a lil bit before i go venture out with my family.
for a time of rejoice and spending time together.
but then i also question something...
i feel kind of lonely?
not in terms of being actually lonely,
because i know i have so many others that surrounds me,
that care about me, that respects me, that whatever else me.
but the fact that i don't get to really see that many of them
during the break this year. there are limited amount of days,
but they all come back later on...
and there's another individual that i want to spend time with,
but that's close to impossible.
every time i think about it,
there's a certain tug at my heart still.
a sting, a pierce, a whip,
a sudden drop and feeling of sourness overwhelms my heart.
it's different.....really different.
losing such a best friend during the year,
it's a hard to suck on fact.
but i guess, this is what God wants to teach me?
people are not always there, but He's always there
and present with me? no matter what the cause...
no matter how close, no matter how well we know each other.
there's no one to replace Him?
i'm not too sure, but i do pray that one day it does get revealed.
God you know what i want, you know what i desire.
i ask that you choose the best ways for me,
and let me be able to adapt to it, with joy.
not happiness, but with joy. your joy. let that fill me.
God, i know it's your birthday tomorrow,
but may i dare to ask that you give me a present in return?
i know you have given me more than i can ever ask for,
but i really ask that you give me THAT gift.
i know i'm asking so much, and even through that,
i do not even know if its right to ask for such.
but that's just what's on my mind for a long time now...
i may be foolish to even ask for it Lord,
but you will choose for me, i know.
i love you God.
let me offer myself up to you,
during this christmas break...let me differ myself.
let me strengthen with your strength,
let me think into your ways and not my ways.
let me just grow with your presence.

let you be the center of my life, let you be one i live for.
always. forever in time, let me live by your presence and methods.
-----

and God, thank you.
thank you for yesterday, i was able to shape up,
and stand with smiles and laughter,
and worship you in the chapel.
singing to you once again Lord.
let me continue to worship you forever more.
let me love you more and more each day,
for you say i should i not be obsessed with anything Lord,
but may i ask of you to let me be obsessed with You.
let you be the sole reason that i live my life everyday.
let this be another gift that you give to me Lord.
refresh me through this break, and prepare me;
for another new year of battles that you set me through.
let me rejoice in every battle in you,
every hardship, let me see you..your goodness and your all.
let me take it all on.

-----
God, i may ask of you one more thing.
my brother, he's falling short Lord,
let him stand strong. let him see You.
let him be overwhelmed by You, not by it.
take control Lord, take care of him Lord.
let him rejoice in you, i love him Lord.
he hurts, i hurt. i really ask of you.
i know how it feels to be in his shoes,
and its not a well situation.
let it be all in your way Lord,
i love you.

and brother, if you ever somehow read this:
i love you. that's never one moment of doubt.
we ride together, we live together, we brothers for life.
us 3, let us ride all the troubles through.
relying on each other for support, nonetheless.
i love you brother. never forget that.

and to all the others,
best wishes and have a time of rest,
before another new year starts with new adventures.
take care of yourselves.

sincerely,
stan.

staying strong...

2005-12-21T18:22:00.000-05:00

staying strong...

stay strong. stay strong.
that's what so many people tell me to do,
but how do you come to this point?
i reflect the things going in my life right now,
and i just simply say i want to cry.
cry to the point that i will have nothing left
to soak my eyes from its socket.
staying strong...what a struggle to do so.
i'm trying so many ways to take my mind off of "it"
but it's all taking over me.
i look around and i walk around,
it just seems that you're everywhere i go.
so many things to make me feel bad.
it's hard to hold it up.
it's been a hurtful period over this time,
i still do not understand fully of what the meaning is,
but i have been rejected to the least.
at that point, my heart fell.
it fell deep on to the ground,
sounding off a deep thud sound.
i look down at the ground at my heart,
and want to pick it up, but i'm so weak to pick it up.
i look around and i see every person i know,
getting something...but me, i remain to have nothing.
nothing...not even you for a single second.
what just so happened....i still do not understand.
one second you're with me, another you're not...
what more is going on?
i'm falling, but i get back up each time...
each strike, each pierce...fall after fall;
i manage to pull myself back up.
but it's getting to the point,
that i..myself, can't even have the effort to stand.
i feel so miserable, so wasted, so exhausted, so used.
am i just a tool for you may i dare to question?
what so happened.

christmas times, it's supposed to be fun right?
a time of happiness, where you can bond with friends
and share a lil bit of your appreciation for them.
but it's so different this year for me,
it's directly the opposite....
i have not had fun for the longest period of time,
it's been a struggle to keep myself happy.
and honestly, it's been a blessing that God has provided
me with the very others to support me through.
but it's really hard...real hard, when i was rejected.
rejected of my appreciation for you.

i figure there should be something of learned...
but it's a hard lesson, God.
am i able to sustain this any longer?
cuz i feel so shaken up, that i kind of want to hide.
hide away from reality, and blend myself into my dreamland.
where everything works out altogether,
but that is impossible.

my minds been so boggled with terror and hurtful times,
that i'm starting to hallucinate and overthink.
i'm into the stage of where the things that i think,
seems to be true. the things, the thoughts that go through
my head about everything right now...it's scaring me.
i'm lost of where the trueness is...
i actually thought to myself, and asked...did that really happen?
my thoughts... i can't remember if they actaully happened or not anymore.
all i can remember were good times...the sad times, i think my brain
has gradually skipped and passed it out...
but i know the truth still remains.
which makes me hurt even more.
i'm so lost.

it's interesting to see,
even though i was so tensed up within,
where my heart lies...into the tightness,
where i can barely breathe...
i somehow managed to still open up another
side of me..and be willing to help another person.
is there something...ultimately wrong with me?
or is this a gift i have been given....

why am i so caring?
maybe i should stop caring,
and turn myself into someone thats shallow.
maybe then... i will not get hurt again.
is that what people like?
because they seem to love hurting someone that cares so much,
maybe it's time that i fight back with something they have never seen before...
something they never thought would be present from stan.
a new figure, one that is shallow and not caring..and challenging.
one that is rock solid, with a stone heart.
is that what you want?
tell me so.
maybe then, i can transition myself,
into a person that will corrupt your life.

and to share with you all,
i was cutting a fruit yesterday night...
i looked at the thin, sharp knife;
how simple was it...to thrust it right into
the center of me? ending it all.
something stopped me, i'm not sure what it is...
but believe me, it was going to be easy.
i'm not scared of death,
i think what stopped me was my caring side.
i want to stand strong and help you all...
especially those who do not have anyone,
or feel they have no one...simliar to me.

you.
you.
you.
just so much you's in the world,
i think i really care too much.
i'm starting to lose my head,
i need a time of rest.
away from this school,
away from everything.

merry christmas all,
remember the true meaning of it...it's God's birthday.
celebrate with Him, and not just be blinded with gifts and all.
i think that's what i'm learning in this process,
it's all about Him.
celebrate with Him.
i really hope you guys will enjoy your period together,
for me, i think it already has been ruined.
becuase i've been so hurt over it....but God,
help me out...help me regain your trueness and power.
let me rejoice with you Lord.
let me.
please let me.

i ask of you earnestly.

----
*for those who read this long post, thankyou.
*for those who didnt bother, whatever.

wounds on wounds

2005-12-19T17:03:00.000-05:00

three thoughts.

shocked.
wounded.
confused.

it was purely out of my kindness,
and heart to get such a gift.
i was looking forward to this day,
but now that it happened,
it's not what i have imagined.
this seems like one of those things
you would see on television...
or imagine in your worst nightmare.

...i'm silent.

life cycle. suicidal thoughts.

2005-12-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

life cycle: suicidal thoughts.

who's ever thought about suicide?
isn't it just so easy to simply jump it,
ending it right there...no more physical pain.
no more problems to care about on earth,
no more things to worry about.
no more school.

who is the kind of person that looks at the school,
and thinks to themselves, they want to quit?
who is the kind of person to take a look at themselves,
and thinks the themselves, they want to quit?
who is the kind of person that looks at everything around them,
and thinks to themselves, they want it to end?

who is the kind of person that wants to end life right now?
who..
who..
who..

i am.

school was supposed to be place of fun for me,
where i can interact with friends and learn alongside them.
not a place of stress and misery and failure.
i'm in the listing of all the three mentioned entities.
i'm in my last year, before i get to university...
like it or not.

am i ready for that big jump? no i'm not.
am i ready with the marks to get in? no i'm not.
am i ready for anything at all actually? no i'm not.
actually, am i ready to quit? yes i am.
actually, am i ready to fail? yes i am.

who..
who..
who..

i have so much in my head,
i simply want to say to myself, eff yourself.
end it.

to answer that question--who..?

I AM.

can someone teach me?

2005-12-11T20:31:00.000-05:00

can someone teach me?

can someone please teach me how to cry?
i have quite a lot of stuff in my head and heart.
but it seems that i am unable to cry it out.
as much as i want to cry,
i want to stand strong.
what's wrong with me?

dear ..fellow sister in Christ,
the one that's been posting on my blog
for a while now... i thank you for your
messages. they mean a lot, and show that
at some point..at some time, someone actually
cares and gives a bit of their time to read about me.
thank you.
up until this point, i still do not know who you are,
if you will, reveal yourself to me one day.
i want to personally give you a hug,
one that will last and be with meaning.
again, thank you.

God....i dare to ask..

2005-12-08T01:02:00.000-05:00

God....i dare to ask..

honestly, i'm not a strong child...
but may i ask that you use me in this school?
in the last year that i am at pca,
i pray that you open me up to Your works.
let me have your strength,
let me withstand everything thrown at me with you.
let me make a difference in the school for you.
guide me through life,
grow...let me grow.
i speak to you now,
i pray to you.
in your Name,
amen.

There's so many that falls, including myself.
but let me forget about myself, and purely help
those around me whenever i can.
for you can heal me, and support me,
so in the same way, i can go help others
to heal them, to support them.
amen.

take care of me Lord.
i am restless, but use me more.

christmas time...

2005-12-06T13:16:00.000-05:00

christmas time...

it's almost Christmas time,
time to celebrate the Lord's birthday.
it's a time to reflect about Him,
not merely just presents and all...
although we usually get trapped and think
only about presents and freetime.

God, i want you to have the best birthday,
you have proven yourself so faithful,
loyal and wonderful. the least i can do,
is provide you with a good birthday.
i dunno how i'm going to do that...
but show me a way to glorify you,
on your day.
whatever it may be, let me do so for you. =)

Oh and for those around me,
i still need to get you presents.
well...actually i got 2 of you presents already.
and i'm quite broke after that.. haha.
so lemme know what you guys want,
but for sure...
i want you guys to be happy.
------------------------------
christmas wishlist:
- God being happy
- aznphyR_+3 being happy
- people being happy
- smiles from others
- growth in the Lord
- a car =P
- chilling times with people

strength....in the Lord!

2005-12-03T13:20:00.000-05:00

strength....in the Lord!

Dear God, give me strength.
that's a statement i think we all should follow.
it's wonderful to see the grade 12's
getting together again, singing and worshipping.
i remember the grade 11 retreat, everyone was
down on their knees and putting God first.
let us do the same this year!

hey sister in christ,
dont you ever worry about yourself.
cuz God's got you protected at all times.
don't you fear one bit about what others think,
don't think about what others will think.
who cares about them.. you know?
if you live to satisfy everyone else,
then you're going to live one hard life.
live it up to God's standards and that's all you need.
you have my number, and if at any point of time,
give me a call if you need it.
may it be 4 in the mornning or 4 in the afternoon.
take care of yourself =)
God bless you.

and hey God,
thanks for everything man.
thanks so much...you did not let me down.
although it was the toughest parts of my life
as of now...reliance on you is what i need.
i remember wanting to quit, but i didn't.
i gave up to you..and still trying my best to
at all times..and you proved yourself faithful.
i love you God.
i mean, it's just a beginning now...
but it means SO very much to me.
i couldn't even imagine us being able to converse,
but somehow you made that happen again.
you wrapped your arms around me in the deepest of times,
and you provided the right brother to keep me goin on,
and you provided the right friends to support,
you just provided it all.
it's a lesson to learn, and even though it felt like crap
going through it..i take it on.
thank you God.

God bless everyone man.
God's real, God's great.

bewildering day...

2005-12-01T18:07:00.000-05:00

bewildering day...

woke up and i was overly exhausted,
i did not want to go anywhere,
but rest.
went to school,took on the english test,
one word--failed. it was the hardest test ever.
the day was pretty hard to take on actually,
i just wanted to rest and just so much shit in my head still.
went through lunch and block 7...kinda not caring.
only thinking about the "disciples board."
not the best way to start a day...

spare came; and i'm glad..cuz the day was almost over.
but anyways, through the roughness of the day...

thanks so much helen,
i appreciated much for the hug.
it made me feel included, for a second.
don't think anyone noticed that i was kinda blah,
or they did, but didnt do much.
then what i never expected was,
i shared moments. moments that i enjoyed.
not a lot...but we are talking here and there now.

thanks God.
but i feel so very tired...
can i get some rest?
calm my hearts and all,
take away all my troubling thoughts,
take it all, cuz without you, i will fall.

thanking and coolnesss

2005-11-29T19:11:00.000-05:00

thanks whoever this may be.
-----------------
Anonymous said...
dude...i'm praying for you. been reading your blogs for the past bit. trust God with EVERYTHING. He makes it all better in time. never forget He's the best best friend you'll ever have. He's been there for me when i needed someone the most.
in Him,
fellow sister in Christ
10:29 PM
-----------------

cool. so english presentation is outta the way,
we did an awesome job team! now for another act?
haha, but this time in front of the other classes?
it's gonnna be fun =P
roar.

anywho....
drinking coffee,
doing schoolwork,
and going to sleep asap.

so ttyl all.
keep those prayers going.

all in Christ.

defintion to you.

2005-11-26T18:36:00.000-05:00

----
to the person (that i have no clue who it is),
who posted on "the" blog; i must say thank you.
i dont know who you are, but thanks for your time of caring.
----

i've been out all day yesterday,
since starting of school to 3am,
celebrating arthur's birthday.
it was fun, becuase i was able to put
myself out of the reality that i am in.
i was able to smile and laugh together.
but now it's over, and i must define something.
something that i thought about when i got back.

defintion of a best friend.

i asked a few people what a best friend to them is,
and this is what i gathered:
- a person that you can truly rely on
- a person that you can share your feelings with
- a person that can know your worse of worse
- a person that you can look for when you doubt
- a person that you can expect to forgive you
- a person that you can expect to endure anything with
- a person that you can feel close with, with or without contact
- a person that you can torment to the worst, and still stick by you
- a person that will not give up on you
- a person that will protect you from any kinds of doubts or troubles
- a person that will cry with you when you are sad
- a person that will share the burdens on your shoulders with no doubt
- a person that will take care of you when you feel most down
- a person that will hold onto you when you feel most weak
- a person that will not betray you
- a person that you can ultimately trust with all your life

Reflection

i have done this for you, and i do not know what else you expect.
i have done what i can to the best of my abilities,
i have thrown every last bit of effort that i can into the ring,
into enduring the battles and sufferances.
i just do not get how you can "wrap up all the history" and throw it out

who stuck by you when you needed it most?
who let you call me every single minute, becuase you felt bad?
who took on your secrets?
who tried to cheer you up when you told me the "secret"?
who would throw away all their own troubles, to take on yours?
who would try their most to satisfy your needs, even when they're most tired?
who took on every bit of pain in their heart, to sustain a friendship?
who has not given up on you for one little bit?
(even with everyone telling me that you are not worth it)
who cried for their best friend for continuous hours;
to the point of having their eyes swollen shut?

i did.
you once told me i was your best friend,
you acknowledged it, and told me.
please, do share with me what happened now then.

i'll stick a note to myself:
whatever happens,
you are my best friend, nonetheless.

what i have to say..

2005-11-24T17:09:00.000-05:00

what i have to say..

what i have to say to you,
i tried being nice and all kind.
but now i've had enough from you,
bugging your friends?
who the hell defined them as YOUR friends?
do you think before you freaking talk,
just because you're friends with them,
does not make them YOUR friends.
if you want to go die,
then go die.
honest to God, you dont have the guts to,
so don't even start with me.
all YOUR poor friends all YOUR best friends,
you seriously need some help.
i can say the same to you then,
they're MY friends. you can get off them.
oh and what happened to me being YOUR bestfriend?
it seems like you can just toss me away,
is that way true friendship is?

and to top it off,
you say friends are someone that you can trust and not betray?
you betrayed me. you mistrusted me, and definitely brought me
down to the floor.
go fucking breathe, go for it.
i have emotions too,
not just you.
you're being freaking selfish, in thinking
that you can just walk over me when you want
and when you dont want me, you can trash me through.
i miss you because i freaking cherished your friendship,
but obviously you're not doing the same with me.
and to top it off, it makes me question about you,
of the times we share before,
what was that all about?
i never knew you were so coldhearted,
in giving me all that hope, then trashing it through
like there's no tomorrow.
you don't want me to miss you? fine.
you don't want me to give a damn? sure.
whatever
and just to let you know,
you think you're the only one considered of dying?
you have no idea. i have thought so long before you did.
and to tell you, my eyes been so fucking swollen,
it hurts for me to even open them.

all your POOR friends,
why don't you think on my perspective for a bit?
who's the freaking poor one,
the one getting hurt,
or the ones that you define as poor.
think about that.
use your head.

I'M THE ONE WHO LOST MY BEST FRIEND.
AND GOT TRAMPLED OVER.

i've taken so much shit from you
over the past month or whatever,
and i don't even know how i'm standing.

whatever you want,
go for it.
i just thought our friendship meant more.

uneasisness.

2005-11-23T19:46:00.000-05:00

uneasy friendship.

last minute before i sleep...

2005-11-23T01:45:00.000-05:00

last minute before i sleep...

last minute before i sleep,
stuff's on my mind..
i remember today, i was upset,
i fought, i ranted, i vented, and i sat.
i remember today... i watched tv;
not having the mood to work at all.
and waiting for a reply to a phone call.
nothing.
i remember myself crawling onto my bed,
and just lying there; speechless.
tears about to come, but held it in.
shaken that i feel, i still lay there...
doing..nothing.
just lying there.
more tears wanted to escape down my eyes,
but my eyes have been so dry,
from the previous tears;
that it hurts to even cry.
i couldn't.. i just lied there; speechless.
something happened; and my mind just went blank...
blank to the point that i cannot even remember,
i think i cried myself to sleep,
i am not sure; but i do know when i got off bed,
i was clueless of whats happening.
i went back onto my phone, and still..nothing.
i felt lonely...lonely that no one really cared,
wanted to call her, but there was no point.
and at the same time, i'm still waiting for another call.
but nothing.
so last minute before i sleep,
i bring to you my attention;
- her, her, and her. (the 3 of my life)
- him and him (the 2 brothers of my life)
- God (the one and only)
- and to my surprise, another her.

i'm shaken man,
and try to remind myself, "take it easy stan"
but that's not working.
God take it all,
becuase without you, i'm going to fall.

we're called to...

2005-11-21T19:12:00.000-05:00

we're called to...

"we're to help our brothers and sisters carry the heavy burdens of life--a terrible loss, a crushing circumstance..."

we're all called to do such a thing,
and for most of the time, the other appreciates it.
but there are those other some times, where it is not.
often i share such burdens with my family; in blood or not.
i get accepted;
yet i get rejected.
depending all on the time;
but for the most part, accepted.

i have been rejected out of one's life,
and honestly, it still hurts.
but i'm trying to take it on.

but for you sis,
i hate to see you cry...
and today i saw you cry,
it hurt, but trust me man..
let yourself off a bit..and life won't be as tough.
don't pressure everything onto yourself,
and don't let your own mind scare you.
take it easy sis...do call my cell at any given time.
mind it be 5 in the morning, do so.
i love you man; you know i do.
skipping english for you was "fun" today,
but it sucked to see you cry.
i love you man.. i love you.
if no other does, i still do.
not a single doubt about that.

bro, you've been faithful,
and i'm glad to see things are working out
for you and yeah. things will go by quickly
now..dont let your guard down man..dont let it.
but you know who to run to when enduring...
there is no other, there's one.
one God, one Father, one true, all-time lover.
take it easy on yourself..

and my other bro,
sorry to have screamd at you for a bit...
i was just..overtaken by the tears that i saw.
not that i necessarily mean it.
sorry about that.

for the other sister,
not that you'll read this,
cuz i dun think you even know about this blog,
but you got me anytime.
wel...you already know that =P

and for you, last but not least, sis..
i miss you and those times we shared.
i'll endure it; waiting for you..
hopefully, we'll share the times together,
as one again.

faith in you Lord.
faith.

God, take it all,
because without you, i will fall.

your song..

2005-11-19T15:09:00.000-05:00

lives: can we intertwine?

woke up and i saw my phone beside me.
picked it up and called,
didn't get a pickup;
so i just listened to some music on it...
your song came on..and i felt a sudden strike on the heart.
i remembered you and wished for your call;
becuase that's a song that comes on.
i haven't heard that song in a while,
to you, remember how you say a friend
is someone that knows the lyrics,
to sing the song back to you when you forget it?
i've forgotten it... and wish that you can sing
it back to me once again.
can our lives please intertwine again?
i miss you so very much,
it's hurting, it's hurting....
but i endure it with no regreting.

God, take it all.
Because without you, i will fall.

heartpounding exam...

2005-11-18T10:29:00.000-05:00

heartpounding exam...

what can i say...
it's 10:29am right now, and my exam is at 12:35.
that's very close by... i don't feel ready at all actually,
kinda pissing my pants; scared.
should i fear this much?
or am i taking it way too overboard..?
Oh God, calm my hearts and
just let me do to my best abilities.

through this all,
i think about you, you and you.

brother.
you i care for, and for now you're hurting,
let me take care of you. but i too am going
through problems, so it may be hard and i must
say i cannot always be around cuz of that...
but trust me, i'll be around to the best that
i can ...even if it means to sacrifice other things.

and you, i miss talking to you, but i'll see you at
school very soon. i appreciate your text messages
over the course of yesterday night. it means quite
a bit..but i guess i wanted to talk with you more...
hope to talk to you when i'm out of that exam room.

and there's the other you.
i miss you man...a lot.
i haven't called you, i haven't spoke to you,
i haven't been with you, i haven't been close to you,
it's weird... i miss it.
i miss the happy days with you and i together.
miss you....miss you a lot.

God take hand at this mind of mine,
it's going bezerk all over the place.
calm me, and take care of me.

and God, take care of my brother.
take good care of him, if i may ask..
take the efforts even in the care you give to me,
and give it to him. he needs it at this point of time.
i do too, but...i'm willing to give some of it to him.
praise to you, Lord.

amen.

i want to....

2005-11-14T17:18:00.000-05:00

i want to....

i want to cry cuz i'm hurt.
i want to cry cuz i dont know what to do.
i want to cry cuz i miss having times with you.
i want to cry cuz i'm shaken today.
i want to cry cuz of just so many reasons.

mask i put on to hide from the true reality to others,
of the happy stan that you see;
it's not the truth,
i miss you all this much and is burdened.
i'm hurting.....why? for you.

a game is supposed to be relieving and fun,
but this is a game i do not want to play.
it's a game with my emotions and feelings,
with my heart; it hurts every second that i play,
i want to quit this game...but i can't.
i'm tearful...God...please..
let this game move on...
i've had enough.....

a glimpse of my mind.

2005-11-08T18:15:00.000-05:00

a glimpse of my mind.

to keep a count,
all the ones that i love have told me to give up on you.
to just let go of you finally,
and get it over with.
they hate seeing me upset all this time,
becuase they care for me,
and rather see me glad, than sad.
but it's amusing to see,
i'm still battling it out to not give up on you.
it's really hard on me..you know?
i dont even have much back to support my strength in you,
i'm enduring this one by myself really.
i have God, but i dont know his plan...
so i can only wait it out.
but for what i know,
many have suggested i surrender the battle now.
i simply knocked it off and said no.
i take on this battle more and more,
even after every kind of piercing through my heart.
you're worth it to me.

you know i love and care for you very deeply,
you know i'd drop everything for you (if you ask),
you acknowledge all this...but then why must you..
why must you hurt me so much?
why must you turn away from me?
why must you close that door right to my face?
space you need...space i give you.
but can't you at least talk with me?
why must i feel so empty when i'm in a room with you?
a sense of despair runs over me.
i try my efforts to stay strong,
but it's really difficult to go on...
i'm falling really weak,
weak to the point that i want to give up..
but there's just something about you,
that just tells me to stand up tall and not let you go.

you know how it feels to be ignored,
especially when it's someone that you care so deeply for,
but then why must i feel that very same way?
why must you do it back to me?
i endured it with you; when you felt the bad times with others..
but for me, it seems like you're gone...
why is it so unfair?

i honestly do not know why i haven't given up on you,
but to me, it's really worth it.
worth the pain; worth the time; worth the effort.

with all my efforts in place,
i long for the day when you and i are back together the way we used to be.
i enjoyed those days, and i miss it.

heart-ache-ingly,
stan.

it's you... you make such a difference in my life.

2005-11-07T17:10:00.000-05:00

you make such a difference in my life.

reality i try to escape from,
trying to swarm myself with other thoughts,
so i don't have to think about you and me.
or even feel the times when i'm separated from you.
it hurts me so much to realize our apart-ness.
my hearts so fragile now,
your simple walk away or your simple turn away,
pierces it right through more and more,
at every angle i can imagine.
if you were to rip it out,
i can guarantee you see the holes.
the holes drenched with blood,
and blackness; cuz i'm hurt that much.
honestly, i'm trying to hide...
trying to work in the background for you.
when you need something,
i will help and provide the best that i can.
you realizing or not,
i think i will do it continually.
i love you dearly that much.
much like how i love every other brother.
or every sister.

i miss you that much,
i really want to be close with you once again.

please Lord.
shape me up... i'm not focusing,
my heart aches, and my mind is boggled.
put me back up, let there be supports,
so i can learn to fly once again.
i've fallen, and i'm limping.

please end me of this pain.
end me physically if that's what it takes,
becuase what i endure now... it hurts me a lot.
at this point, i don't think i'm even afraid of death anymore,
i once used to be, but for now...
take it. just take it all into your hands.
i really can't care less about my own life.

strike me with a knife if that's what it takes,
to make it better, make it be in the hands of that person.
i'm trembling down to my knees and i lie in my bed,
crying.
yes crying all...the strong stan you imagine me to be,
i'm really not, i too fall over and cry.
i hate myself right now because it seems i can't even keep
a simple relation with you. and i'm failing you God.

i rest here..
crying.

--tears are my new best friend.

thinking about you..langmui...

2005-11-04T12:37:00.001-05:00

thinking about you...

just sitting here after a long yesterday,
listening to soft music, thinkin about the hwk load...
then your face came into mind.
how sweet that you were,
how cute that you were,
how close we were,
how we laughed together and all...
i really miss you...

my heart starts to itch,
and starts to sour up.
it hurts,
i really miss you.

please if you still care,
give me a phone call.
i'll always wait for you.

if you think i dont care,
you are wrong... each day,
i cry myself to sleep.
because that's how much you are worth to me.
i hate seeing the distance between you and me.

a day to remember with the fellas

2005-11-04T01:20:00.000-05:00

a day to remember with the fellas

waking up at like 8 in the morning, out of the blue...
showering and getting ready to fly off to buffalo.
without notice, without any planning given to me,
i just rushed out and on we go to buffalo, ha!
woosh woosh, we're there.
we do the crazy shopping..each of us spending at least a bill.
crossing back the border scared us shitless,
cuz we dun wanna pay =p
tried dif ways to hide it all..
and we did it. =)
fun day.

let me relist the timeline:
- 8 shower
- 9 outty at car wash and gas pump
- mcdonalds
- highway (all over the place cuz of the stupid beyatch (gps, ha)
- border (getting all nerved up)
- shopping! =D
- chilling
- niagara falls
- chilling
- fairview chillout (found victoria)
- fmp chillz
- markville chills
- kbbq it out
- home

fun day.

we're doing this again boys! =D

**--------
and oh yeah, i missed you along the way actually.
thought about you and was gonna invite you,
but...i didnt, i was too scared to.
take it easy.

hm...actually.

2005-11-01T19:15:00.000-05:00

hm...actually.

actually, the S is quite good;
cuz it reminds me of you.

anyway, i guess its good that you
have found the support that you may need.
but i wish that i can share those burdens
with you along the way because you're
never alone in your problems or even ever.

aznphyR+3, i love each of you.
thanks brothers x2.
thanks sisters x3.
i love each and every one of you;
to me, you mean a lot,
and that isn't a figure of speech,
i actually mean it.

live proof to you all,
it's simply me.
i wish i can rip my heart out,
to show you the worth of each
of you...you may or may not be
surprised; because it takes much of it.
each of you.

--stan.

i look up.

2005-10-31T17:53:00.000-05:00

i look up.

i look up and i see you.
Lord's been great in healing us,
but there's still a part of despair,
between us..but it's manageable.
hard as hell, but it's worth it for you.

i look up and i saw the S,
one that remained with me
ever since last christmas.
it's nice and i appreciate it a lot,
it shows your friendship to me.

i look up and i see my brothers,
my sisters, my friends, my supporters.
each returning with a smile,
yet i can only give them a ranting.
it's interesting to see how each
of you have helped me through.

i look up and i see God,
His presence between this whole case.
but yet i still doubt here and there,
trying to take it on with my own hands.
No stan. no...just let it go.
God's in hand now, you are not.
take it all easy for yourself,
look up.

i look up at Him,
and i can imagine the day that
me and her are healed together.
100% and for the even better,
i long for the day that i can
again yell out your name,
the day when i can hug you again,
the day when i can talk to you smoothly,
the day that all will be back to normal
between the both of us.

i look up to You, Lord.
Let it all fall into your hands,
i fall back, let me fall back.

i look up to you.
let me look up to you God.

--stan.

wow.. i love you god.

2005-10-28T23:44:00.000-04:00

i love you God.

wow.
that's one word i must say,
cuz my prayers been answered.
in a most unexpected way.
but it was so good,
that it's healed me up.
initially, i thought i would have
go up to the person and try to reconcile.
but i didnt, all i had to do,
was rely on God.
He provided the rest of the way,
He healed us up and before we know it,
we roamed around together.
just her and i.
was most unexpected...
since i expected at least another with us,
but it wasn't...it was just us.
God provided SO much for me,
He provided physical support,
He provided emotional support,
He provided mental support,
He provided strength,
He provided faith.
He showed me today,
He revealed Himself and His ultimate goodness;
where none can compare with.
Thank You, Lord.
i must say, i love You.

let me remember today's date, oct 28th 2005.

i'm sure God will provide for the rest of the way,
but a feeling occured to me during the ride home,
and the way back to my friend's house..
will this continue to be good throughout?
or will this be another UP and have another down?
but take it all Lord,
take it all.
don't let me worry,
because through You, there should be no worry.

Thank You LORD.
Thank you brothers.
Thank you sisters.
Thank you friends.

i love you all.

truly,
stan.

guys...

2005-10-27T17:16:00.000-04:00

guys...

i appreciate all the support from everyone.
it means so much to me at a point like this.
guys.. i'm sorry to disappoint you,
but i fell short once again.
i stood up tall and withstood the stuff thrown at me,
for a day.
for a day, i stood up tall and lived an easy life.
but today, i fell short... i really fell down.
i looked into her eyes, and i'm really shook up.
i'm not even sure if it's my own assumptions that's hurting me,
or is the truth hurting me
or what is going to happen.
i'm quivering.

in homeroom, i heard the statement,
"we're called to go up to the person
to talk about the faults...and not those
around." this really hit me...
but i'm unable to do that.
she just doesnt want to talk.
so i cannot do so.
i have to wait it out.
------------------
by honest words,
i really miss you.
i miss the times that we shared,
i miss the times we laughed together,
i miss you as a whole.
you're an important part of my heart and life,
你和我永远是朋友.
------------------

brothers:
---

and by all honesty,
thank you so much brothers: brian and derek.
you guys never doubted me,
we had our troubles together..
but we stood up tall together.
we took it on,
each wave.
each tide.
each current.
we bonded and took on the attacks together.
i love you guys more than anyone.
if there was one word that i'd like to remember,
it's aznphyR.
i love you all.
i honestly do.

---------

towards you...

2005-10-22T15:05:00.000-04:00

你和我永远是朋友
towards you...towards you.

couple of words towards you,
no matter what kind of pain,
no matter what kind of doubt,
no matter what kind of downfall,
i will care for you.

over the weeks, i've endured enough.
but for you, it's worth that trouble.
i've seen you fall, i've seen you struggle,
now i want to come back to you to help.
please let me to do so.

and most of all, me and you are 永远的朋友.
never once doubt that.
i will be that true friend to you, if you let me be.
i will be make all the efforts to be with you.
that's one promise i've given to you, and her and her.
you know for you three, i've commited the promise to.

你和我永远是朋友.

lets see..

2005-10-21T06:05:00.000-04:00

lets see..

yes the day of not knowing what to expect was over.
but still i will continue to not know what to expect over the days of my life.
that's a given.

it's interesting to see couple of things,
even in my tired day at school yesterday,
30 minutes of sleep, and 2 hours of sleep on the day before that.
altogether, 2hrs 30mins of sleep for 2 days.
went to school, and was introduced to her.
nothing really went on, just same old.
then at homeroom, she sat nearby me,
and all i can do is think about her.
but then i realized another in the need of someone,
i care for that person too,
and yet i try to help her.
at the same time, she tried to help her too.
it's interesting to see that we both thought
about the same very way to help.
not much, but did what we could for that period of time.
after it was done,
she turned around and plopped the papers onto my desk.
and all i could say was...wtf.
i sucked it in because i'm sort of used to it,
it didnt hurt that much anymore...
becuase i've seen worse already.
then the day went on,
barely 40 minutes have passed by,
and i notice myself giving the effort to talk to her.
shocking to another person that knows about the situation,
it is shocking to myself as well.
i can picture my friend being in the wtf (yet happy for me) mood
since she did not know that her and i talked again,
but it was weird actually, but it brought lightness to my heart.
i can see that we talk again,
sure not in the same way that we used to be in.
but for now, it's a start.
i tried to help her the very same ways i used to,
and she accepted that help.
i'm not sure if it's just me or not,
but it seems like there's a sense of closeness building up again,
and there seems to be a nod or headsup when i walk by the halls now.
maybe things finally cooled down between her and i?
i'm really not sure actually,
but one thing for sure is, god knows more than i.
let him take it all,
and that should all be fine.

sure i wish to be close to her,
but if god says no, then let that be a no.
if he says its a yes, then let that be the best.
----

it's getting late, i'm going to get some shut eye.
didnt even do much studying or anything actually..
came home, and slept. was too tired to go on.
planned to sleep for an hour or two,
but ended up sleeping till 3:19am from 4:20pm.
then began to study, did a lil bit...
but its time for some sleep..because my body,
is still not ready 100%.
good luck guys (for all those who's taking calculus quiz first thing like me)
and for those in eng quiz.
and sadly, me for computer quiz as well.. -_-

one burden down, but now ...

2005-10-19T00:03:00.000-04:00

(an extension to my previous post)
a day to not know how to expect.

tomorrow is a day of "dont know what to expect"
i have been away from you for some time,
and it's sort of "relaxing",
but trust me..it's only because i don't have to face you,
i still miss you deeply.
and tomoro, is the first day that i will see you..again.
what do i expect?
i dont know.
but i know tomorrow will be a day of shakiness.
God, work in me.

-stan.

****
one burden down, but now ...

+-previous post
-----------------------------
Monday, October 17, 2005
the feeling of distress.
- i have 2 days to finish my accounting class, i'm behind. (today and tomoro)
- i have stuff in my head
- i have schoolwork to cover
- i'm sick
ack.
-----------------------------

response:

there's one burden down from my back now,
the course of accounting, it's over.
well over until the exam comes up,
it's coming in november,
so it's not that much of a deal.
So that's outta there.

but then there's still schoolwork, it just keeps coming.
i already missed two days, and that will be a bundle to catch up with.
then at the same time,
i still have other stuff in my head,
i've seen support from others,
but i dunno... i just want it solved.
i'm lucky that i am even able to get through my acct-ing course,
with that all in mind.

but thanks to all those who gave a shoulder for me to cry upon,
thanks for those who gave an effort to help,
thanks for those who gave a word,
but it all comes down....to, thanks Lord.

i just still have one question to ask,
may i?

too much to think about,
i really have too much,
i need to stop thinking,
and i need to catch up.
bring me up lord...
bring it on life.
bring it on.

just bring it on.

--stan

its interesting to see.

2005-10-18T13:10:00.000-04:00

its interesting to see.

it's interesting to see that i have some support on my side,
during the process of hardship that i am going through.
but i don't know....it still hurts me when i think about the words,
that was spoken to me,
i never once expected words like such from an individual.
never once, and never once did i even imagine.
it's hard to suck in the words,
i don't even know what i did wrong,
but it seems like i'm controlling?
i dont think i do, and i don't intend to,
all i merely did was try my best to help.
it was appreciated, and i can tell because of the words you spoke,
but then, you also spoke of words that directed itself right to my heart,
piericing it right through. i can't let that one go..
it hurts too deeply, everytime i see you,
everytime i think about you,
it just hurts once again.
will we ever be close again?
i can only imagine.

for now it hurts.
God, take it up to you,
i don't konw what to do.
i still worry,
calm my heart and let the burden relax itself.
take it all Lord.

i really miss you.

the feeling of distress.

2005-10-17T15:12:00.000-04:00

the feeling of distress.

- i have 2 days to finish my accounting class, i'm behind. (today and tomoro)
- i have stuff in my head
- i have schoolwork to cover
- i'm sick

ack.

yep. you know it, God's good.

2005-10-15T13:11:00.000-04:00

yep. you know it, God's good.

God provides man.
He provides.
In the roughness,
He just somehow gives goodness.
It's such an awesome thing to experience,
cuz it's such a difference.
sure i don't have the interaction with one,
but he provided me with a ton.
it's times like these that i feel him,
and get out of the dim.
He's so great man,
i just hope that everyone will know him with me stan.

thanks nic.
thanks nada.
thanks ramy.
thanks kawai.
and most of all, thanks bro. i love you.

pray with me all,
and let me stand up again, straight up tall.
sure i'll fall,
but that doesn't matter cuz i know God will provide for all.

take it easy.

-stan.

you want it.. take it.

2005-10-13T22:32:00.000-04:00

you want it.. take it.

you want it? take it.
that's all i have to fucking say.
take your fucking life,
i tried my best to actually help you,
you came to me for help;
and i thought we shared that bond.
you think it feels nice in my fucking shoes?
no it doesn't.
do you know how much pain i've went through for you?
fuck. do you not think i have feelings too?
i was fuckin upset about you for the longest time,
but did i say it to your face?
no i didn't, i sucked it in and took it.
so why the hell do you haveta fuck with me?
i ain't trying to control your fucking thing,
but whatever, do whatever you want.

i surrender.

2005-10-13T17:21:00.000-04:00

i surrender.

God take me please,
it's a situation like this where i feel really weak.
i dont know what to look for,
i have tried to get somewhere,
but it does not seem to be working.
take it away from me Lord,
take that burden...
fill me with You,
and guide me through.
please.

i fall onto my knees Lord.

ok lets stay strong.

2005-10-11T01:17:00.000-04:00

ok lets stay strong.

lets stay strong stan.
life was never intended to be easy,
that's how you develop character.
you say you want to love,
but love also brings pain.
love is pain and pain is love.
you love, then you suffer for them.
let it be...suffer with joy.
joy in the Lord, becuase he too suffers from us.
yet he continues to love.
you have stabs and wounds in your heart?
imagine God's heart, it must be a thousand times worse.
yet he continues to love us, in the same way, love her.
is it her responsibility to know whats wrong?
she's merely human stan, face it, you have to communicate.
you can't expect so much,
cuz even yourself, you can't do so much either.
sure you can do better than some,
but there are some that is much worthier than you are.
pray stan, pray.
that's what you gotta do.
talk to God.
rely on God.
faith in God.
let it all be God.

sincerely,
the mind of stan.

friken.

2005-10-10T01:02:00.000-04:00

friken.

did you know it's hard to be with you?
but it's weird that i still go through with it.
a connection is a hard journey,
and i can be safe to say that..
many others who take this very same path as me,
would have given up.
why haven't i?
i don't know,
but it goes on the lines of..
because i love you for who you are.
you can imagine the rest,
pokes and stabs right into the heart,
any fun? any sort of amusement? none.
why can't things be the way i want it to be.
i hate this feeling;
but do you even know about it?
frankly, i don't think you do...
and actually think everything is alright.
but face reality,
it's not.
i'm living a hard life right now,
and you're one burden i'm to take.
effort and strength, give me please Lord.
prayers always, now and forever.
-------

to hihi:
you're welcome man. anytime, i'm here. =)
That's how God works...he chooses the best ways,
out of the smallest things.
glad to be your small thing =)

how i wish.

2005-10-09T18:58:00.000-04:00

how i wish.

how i wish i can just say,
choose.
just choose.
but i can't, so i havta deal with it.
you're the one i care about,
yet there's a person that i don't.
wtf.

gosh.

2005-10-08T11:33:00.000-04:00

gosh. can you.

gosh, can you please stop.
like honestly, just stop.
by all means, stop hurting me.
i've had quite enough of wounds in me already,
each time you puncture it even more,
but the weird thing is, i don't think you even notice.
don't even know if you care,
but i sure hope you do.
my hearts filled with wounds,
i rest here, in sadness.
i try to look at it differently,
but you...you're just making it a whole lot worse.
whatever the hell happened with you,
i absolutely don't like it.
just i wish i can shout it to your face,
of whats going on...
but see, i know you too well,
you wont like to hear it,
you'll hurt by hearing it..even though its your own fault,
so i'm choosing to suck it in myself,
but meanwhile, i hurt like a crazy ******.

simple words...

2005-10-06T17:12:00.000-04:00

simple words...but a deeper meaning within.

these are the simple words to describe my day today;
what a day of hell..yet sparked up with a touch of goodness.
a day of testing, that i feel.
a test that i don't know if i truly passed or not,
but to God, he will know for the better,
because he is the one that marks.

- shafted in the morning already (twice)
- was talked with today in the morning, for a few seconds
- the person left without notice
- a closer talk with my developing pal
- a weird spare; can't really focus on much
- lunchtime; ate lunch alone on the side (even with people around me)
- went outside with arthur and had a nice talk
- felt like shit throughout
- OS was fun and games; since it's always fun with cracknell
- accounting class: what a struggle and heartpounding experience (all i can remember is that i was told the tests were not well done at all...only a few actually succeeded in a "better" mark. i was scared shitless about my mark, cuz i wasn't confident about the test to begin with. ended up with a mark that i hated, that i thought owuld have affected me to the maximal..scared shitless, and i just completely lost my sense of control. i need accounting, i need it high up. can't let it drop down... but that mark i thoguht would have counted a lot...but thankfully, my other marks supported me. remained in the range that i want...but i still want a 100.)
- school ended off with a simple, yet made confusing data management class
- off to the outside i go...after seeing some of my friends
- i waited outside and had no one...just wanted to hug someone...totally out of it.
- a person showed up, and it just sparked me up.. i wanted to hug her. but i didn't. foolish i am, but how i regret it now. i miss her so much actually...cuz it's been a while that we've last talked...or seem so. it's interesting to see....spent 30mins with her and a few others showed up afterwards. i dunno, couldn't keep my eyes off of her actually...wanted to hug her deeply.

it's really interesting how things work out in the end..
when you just rely on God through it all.
but right now, is the battle all over again...
i must correct myself, and get myself back up in the place that i want to be.
problems are out of the way sorta..
but now lets get up and pull myself together.

on top of that, thanks for those who bothered to read my previous posts.
thanks jk for your message, it's good to hear from you...but i must say, i'm not someone to look up to .. i'm not as strong as you may really think i am. you may think i'm "popular" or "determined" or what not...but i'm really not. it's good to hear that...but yeah....

interesting point.

2005-10-05T19:09:00.000-04:00

interesting point.

interesting point to see,
but we're better now...
as in both of them to me.
one talked to me about some stuff,
that i'm dealin with and helping me out.
the other talks to me again,
but it's kinda strange...still...
cuz i haven't gotten a call that person.
i'm used to talkin a lot,
but it's changed....sigh.
weirdness.

am i just thinkin too much?

2005-10-04T21:13:00.000-04:00

am i just thinking too much?

am i just thinking way too much about you?
it just seems that whenever you want me,
you come looking for me with non-stop phone calls,
to non-stop messages,
but then when things are solved;
you don't seem to interact with me as much.
i remember the late hours of talking,
i remember the late staying up together,
i remember the things i had to say and hear,
but it seems like it's far back now.
i don't know about you, but i feel far from you.
but i just want to reach out and hug you.
then whenever i declare you're away from me,
you come searching for me,
to talk, to laugh, to whatever else together.
i don't get this myself at all..
and wish to know of an answer.
my mind is restless about this part of my life.
--
and you, you're fine with me now.
i love you for who you are,
even with past experiences that none of us liked,
it's all over now and we're fine.
and then there's you, which we are also fine.
haven't seen you to seeing you again,
it's a good experience;
lets continue to grow.
---
then there's also you,
why do we seem too apart too, yet we're not?
you and i, we close for life;
we haven't gotten into much troubles together,
but recently, it seems that there is a missing factor,
i dun know what that is; but it sure bugs me.
there there's another you,
we fine; we flow; it's all go.
---

is my mind just that troubled?
cuz i feel so restless.
i have just taken a nap,
out of the busy days...where i finally was able to sleep,
but i wake up again,
and here i am facing all this again.
someone help me lower these problems,
and face up.

enough.

2005-09-28T17:46:00.000-04:00

it's enough.

enough crap to deal with.
enough work to deal with.
enough things to think through.
my mind is restless.
my heart is struggling.
so many things at once, argh.
someone help?

heavy day..

2005-09-25T01:38:00.000-04:00

heavy day..

what a heavy day, but ended with brilliance.
sure i had an awful day, but God's provided man.
God's revealed himself...
let me tell you all, God's that great.
you ask sincerely, and He promises to return.
In the same way, He's provided for me.
Prayers i asked for some comfort,
for someone to care,
for someone to call,
for someone to get back in my life (mentioned in previous post)
everything just into hand.
When i asked him again...
He is and was the key--to all.

What more can a brother ask for?
A brother that stays with me,
a brother that sticks with me,
a brother that relies on me,
a brother that i rely to,
a brother that is dependent,
yet a brother that is independent,
you took it well brother,
you're one person that i don't regret knowing,
and will that continue man.
just like you said yo,
"no problem, brothers for life."

you and i, we stick together man.
we ai'nt blood related,
but this one man,
you and i know we close.
thanks much given to you
and to God for providing me with you.

3 posts altogther in one day,
2 hard posts to suffer,
1 post to make it good again,
and let there be 0 more pain posts from now on.
let it as simple as 123,
for everything to be settled in your hands, Lord.

Amen.

sincerely,
stan.

Your son Lord,
and your brother bri.

keeping it real. peace.

you're actaully.

2005-09-24T22:25:00.000-04:00

you're actually.

you're actually on my mind all day,
i can't get you out for some reason.
the song i hear reminds me of you.
the things i talk about is about you.
the subject i'm doing right now reminds me of you.
the phone reminds me of you.
the ebay site reminded me of you.
why are so many things reminding me of you?
my minds on you all day and God.
i haven't spoke to any of you two though,
but i will speak.
matter fact, why have i not talked to God today?
i should really do so.

i'll be back.

burdens.

2005-09-24T12:29:00.000-04:00

burdens.

burdens.burdens.burdens.
this is what a lot of people have in their lives.
and which they come and find me to help.
this is a promise i gave to them,
becuase i have said, whenever you need help,
"come and find me for help and i will always take care of you."
but it's hard to take so many burdens at the same time,
there's hers, and there's hers, and there's my own,
i try to take care of those around me first,
but each time i help;
it chips away my own efforts too,
i can too break down, i'm merely weak;
in contrast to what many think.
i have problems too, but really...
people just think there's nothing wrong.
actually some people do think something is wrong,
and for one person, she tried to help.
much appreciated.
it's rough on me too..
becuase i know there are more problems to come actually.
i've spoken to another girl lately,
and she will show her problems to me soon.
i'm happy she trusts me so much,
becuase that shows our friendship.
i love all my friendships and relationships
with each of my friends.
but each seems to have its flaws somewhere,
but flaws are flaws, that's how a friendship
should overpower these flaws and work together.
God, help me out a bit,
thanks.

blah.

2005-09-22T17:23:00.000-04:00

nothing

to

worry

about.

Just a question to ponder about:

2005-09-22T01:55:00.000-04:00

Just a question to ponder about:

is it a sin to care for others around you so much, that you may hurt yourself? (but you get a good effect out of it and it's for a good purpose and/or intention)

i've been thinking about that one..i still can't get over the fact that i care for others so much, that i can almost neglect myself from my own caring view. all i see is...my 2 brothers and my 3 sisters. they are the ones that i need to care most for, then i have the other surrounding me...those need care too... but myself, i dun really have care over myself that much..

and when i do start to care for myself, that's when the times are REAL rough...that i can't neglect myself anymore. but i know God's around to boost me up..cuz he lifts me to leave one pair of footsteps; instead of two--his and mine; side by side.

but recently, i broke down..in a stage of hyperness and depression and stress altogether. i got a phone call from nada, and all i was...was shaken. i was so stressed about the upcoming math test, and the upcoming problems to come..and the things i want to fix, and the things i hear...just so many things. i wnat to help every single one of my friends and at the same time..do my own stuff. i literally broke into a stage of insanity. i really felt the urge to visit a psychiatrist for the deseparate need. it was a strange feeling, but it's funny....

because through it, i was able to feel God once more. i prayed, i kneeled down at this point. i hung the phone up on nada, becuase i needed to focus on someone greater. someone of ultimate control and relief...even though she offered to comfort me and what not as the role of a sister. i kneeled and i prayed, and i was able to grasp my right mind...although still a bit woosy, i was able to fix myself.

math quiz or no math quiz...it's all the same. it's merely marks, i gotta focus on God. that's whats moore and most important. let it be.

Oh God. let you be my primary aim.
-Amen.

so...

2005-09-22T01:52:00.000-04:00

so...i got my phone bill.. and guess waht? hahahah i tlaked for like 1942 minutes altogether for this month. i think i'm beating my record by 200-300 each time. first was like 1000 to 1200 to 1500 to 1700 last time..now 1942 hahaha...soon i'll break some big records. ha

phone bills outta the charts =p...
oh well, at least i'm talking to worthwhile people! =)

you think you worthwhile? then it's prolly you! hahha..

omg.

2005-09-19T22:25:00.000-04:00

omg is what i have in mind.

dreams are hard to come true, and when they don't come true,
one will feel down,
in the same way that i feel right now;
my dream has been shattered.
i hate it,
but it's reality,
face it.

man, i wanted it.

new beginning.

2005-09-12T22:57:00.000-04:00

longlasting committment.

2005-09-09T21:10:00.000-04:00

longlasting committment.

It's intriguing how much pain you put me through, but still everytime... i'm unable to fully give up on you. at this point of time, i hated you to the point that my dogtags were off. dogtags were fully off and wrapped around my wrist. they were always laid on the table of my room...piling on with dust--at least for the first few days of our troubles. but i couldn't forget you... i really wanted to throw you into the back of my head...but it was not doable. you mean too much to me man... i had to keep you close by.

i'm mad at you, i'm upset about you, and i'm all that against you...but through it all man.. i'm always there. i will be there. that's a committment i give to you. everytime i try to throw it down; i just look back these dogtags of mine..it reminds me of you..of the promise i have in you. it makes me think about you...and how life would be like...if i had disappeared from you.

i really wanted to drop you..but today, when i saw you...i felt these sudden jolts to my heart...that pricks me as well...because i am not talking to you. it was an indescribable pain within me...but i still chose not to talk to you..cuz i was still upset about you... i just wanted to stop caring...i don't want another round.

but then i dunno... i saw you with brian today....and i just wanted to hug you. i want to come from behind you and just give you the biggest hug of all...cuz i miss you that much; that i want to show you that i have forgiven you. i put the dogtags back on. at that point of time, when you spoke with brian....from far. i watched from far, i stood there...silent. and prayed. prayed that god will give me strength for antoher round of me and you. they're back on, and i want you back with me.

lets work together on this one...even though i'm not totally okay with it all.
but i do still miss you. i miss talking to you..but what i miss most of all...is your sincere hug. i wanted to find you a couple of times...but i chickened out in the end...cuz it's hard for ME to back down to you....and accept you again..when you're the one who wronged me. but when i chose to do it for sure...i came out, but you already left....cuz you had spare.

you left and i felt cold. i wnated to resolve the problem...but you were have left already. i wanted to hold you right into my arms and tell you how much i miss you and love you for who you are...although i dislike the stuff that you put me through. but that does not matter...becuase love is greater than anything else. everyone kind of love--relational love, brother/sister love, family love, and what not...and in our situation it's a brotherly-to-sisterly-family-love.

i don't know how i'm going to resolve this with you on the weekend...but maybe we'll see each other somehow. i'm not sure.... but if it does have to wait till monday..then let it wait till monday.

prayers needed.

--stan.

had enough.

2005-09-07T23:24:00.000-04:00

had enough.

i pretty much had enough of your ignorance.
i pretty much had enough of your "when i need you, i come to you"
i pretty much had enough of your "i don't seem to care"
i pretty much had enough of your lack of care
i pretty much had enough of your lack of actions
i pretty much had enough of your lack of worry
i pretty much had enough of your lack of reflection on yourself
i pretty much had enough of your clueless-ness
i pretty much had enough of you.

i need a break from you.
it's off, and will stay off for a while.
who knows, maybe i'll give it to you so you can have it for memory.
of how we useta be so tight..and all of a sudden,
it's been down the drain..
and causes me take it off my neck.

i've thought about it for a while now. just to let you know..
but i managed to hold onto it because i continued to have faith in you.
but after today my friend, it's been one hectic moment for me.
i can't take it..and i had tears coming down my face,
oh and worst of all is.. i coudln't cry...
becuase my family was about to come, and i had to hold it in.
but every time i think about you, it pricks me heart.
not that you care...
or at least that's what you portray to me now.
matter fact, it's been a while that i have ever felt that you actually cared.

bye.

yay cars.

2005-09-04T22:23:00.000-04:00

yay... =D